Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Movie Review: College

I watch a lot of bad movies, so I figured it would be good to write movie reviews to help people either avoid awful movies or watch some hidden gems that didn't go gangbusters at the theaters. College was a movie that I watched recently. Please don't make the same mistake (I would alert people that there will be spoilers in this review, but the only way to spoil this movie is to actually watch it).


Plot – Take the archetypes for the three main characters of Superbad, make them shittier actors and make sure nothing funny happens, and you have the movie College.


Person You May Have Seen Somewhere Else…Kevin, played by Drake Bell plays Drake in the Disney show, Drake & Josh. I only last about 2-3 minutes on that show, because much like in this movie, he’s not funny in that either.


Pointless Character – This award has to go to two separate people, because neither one of them served any purpose. One guy was the frat guy who was in a full bodycast and couldn’t say or do anything. We found out he got that way by being dropped about six feet onto the sidewalk, which means he’s probably the first person in history to get a bodycast for something that weak. He didn’t say or do anything, so I suppose his sight was supposed to make me laugh; it didn’t.

Next was Verne Troyer of Austin Powers fame. He peed on the fat kid in the movie and not much else. At least he found some work.


Character that was the biggest douche – The unfunny fat guy was awful. He says a lot of crude things, but nothing even remotely clever. There isn’t even a line from this movie that I could jokingly use on a girl. Somehow, he bags the best looking girl in the movie without demonstrating anything that would make him attractive to a woman. He’s a fat, whiny, virgin who picks on the nerdy kid who sucks too.


Hookup that made no sense – This also has to go to fat guy and the cute blonde that he hooks up with. How do they fall in love? She asks to drink his beer, and when he lets her, she takes him upstairs to have sexual intercourse. They get interrupted by people about to enter the room, so he hides her under the bed with him. Apparently that impressed her, or him making stupid faces while lesbians fooled around on the bed made her wet in her panties. Even my friends that lie about hooking up with girls couldn’t say this story with a straight face.


Chicks – Poor. Even the cute blonde is not all that attractive for the teen comedy genre. The girl that the main character, Kevin, pursues isn’t all that good looking for just a night out. Very disappointing.


Likeable Character – Head of Frat, Teague, because he treated those guys like douchebags. He was an asshole throughout the entire movie without any provocation, but since the main characters sucked, I felt myself rooting for him to punish them.


Best Scene – Teague tells the entire frat party that the three main guys are actually high schoolers which makes everyone laugh. Then he says, “Once upon a time, we were high school kids too,” and everyone boos him for it, as if they weren't high schoolers at one point. Apparently everyone at this frat party got their GED after dropping out in eighth grade. Although that wasn’t supposed to be funny, it may have been the only time I laughed during this movie.


Why would they do that? – Since the three friends don’t want to stay at the dorms, they are desperate to stay at the frat house. The head of the frat decides that they need to take body shots off another frat guy, and this scene culminates in them taking shots of tequila out of some guy’s asshole. They could just stay at the dorms and head to a different frat party, but they decide it’s best to take shots out of the guy’s ass and stay at the party they’re already at.


Blatant Waste of Beer – At the end of the movie, the three douches get revenge by messing with the frat guys’ house. One of their pranks was to get their sprinkler system to go off, but instead of water, they hooked up the sprinkler system to beer. I don’t know why. It was just a blatant waste of beer, hence making me hate the douchebags more.


A Better Title Would Have Been: SuperBad 2: This Time Without Comedy


It's not the worst movie ever, and that's about the most positive thing I can say about this movie.

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