Thursday, February 4, 2010

Thumbs Up To Seats Up

I am a person who is willing to attack the establishment. I will challenge traditions when I feel that those traditions are wrong or outdated. I think that classifies me as an activist. Now I'm no Martin Luther King Jr, but I also feel that I am ahead of PETA for the most part. Today, I would like to fight for the rights of men when it comes to bathroom etiquette.

Women have been trying to hold us down for years (and not just in the kinky sexual way either). They have fought so hard for equality that there are many ways that women are getting preferential treatment to men. One of these places is a place that is sacred to a man, the bathroom.

First off (and less important than my future point), women can not seem to understand how to install toilet paper in the bathroom. You want the toilet paper to drift overhand, not underhand. I don't want to dig to the back edge of the toilet paper to find it, I want it to lay gracefully in front where I can see what I am doing and have an easy time tearing the proper amount of toilet paper. This is Strike Two, women (we're playing Slow-Pitch Softball rules where you start with a 1-1 count)

Strike Three is the toilet seat. I do not think that the toilet seat should be left down. In fact, I think just the opposite should be happening.

Now women are going to complain that they might fall in the toilet if the seat is left down. I've got a secret for you ladies. When I poop, and although I don't watch other males poop I'm guessing a lot of them do it the same way, I actually have to sit on the toilet seat for maximum comfort. I have managed to spend 25 years on this Earth and never have I e-e-ever fell in a toilet. You would have to be so moronic that falling in a toilet should be the least of your worries.

So some might say that since women are apparently incapable of simple tasks like not falling in a toilet, isn't it harmless to put the seat down when you are done? No, it is not. Why? There are few things more disgusting than touching a warm toilet seat. It gives me the opposite of a warm, fuzzy feeling. Plus, according to popular culture, 90% of people have STDs (not a scientific number), and I really don't want to put my hand on a breeding ground of STDs. I could get herpmidirrhea...and I don't want herpmidirrhea. If the seat is up, you can put it down yourself if you need to, or you can be saved from touching the seat period if the seat stays up when people are done.

So please world, leave the seat up, your genitals depend on it.

-Joe

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