Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Valentine's Day Movie Review

This is a brutal film that nobody should be forced to watch. If they would have forced suspected terrorists to watch this at Guantanamo Bay, the place would have been shut down immediately. Here is a rundown of all the important elements of the movie:

Plot – By my count, nine different Valentine’s Day love stories, which means each story only has to be interesting for approximately ten minutes. All of them fail.

Person You May Have Seen Somewhere Else – Christine Lakin, who played Al from Step By Step (And is now 31 years old), is Jessica Biel’s secretary. My ability to spot characters from TGIF is a tad depressing.

Pointless Character – George Lopez, although he doesn’t come across as a total douche, really doesn’t serve much of a purpose in the movie. He is supposed to be a wise old man who has figured out love, but there are many other ways that the movie could have shown this. Plus it would have cut down how long this atrocity lasted.

Character that was the biggest douche – Lots of douches, here’s the top 5:
1. Ashton Kutcher – A giant pussy.
2. Topher Grace – He’s a tool, like always.
3. Hector Elizondo – Lets his bitch get away with cheating on him; he should have laid the hammer down on her.
4. The turd burglar who didn’t bang his high school girlfriend – for obvious reasons.
5. The little kid – He loves Valentine’s Day, and he whines about absolutely everything. There is no way that kid has any friends, and he’s also probably never seen pro wrestling. If this child were real, his chance of success would not exist.

Hookup that made no sense – You could make a case that none of the relationships really made a whole lot of sense, but that’s not surprising when all the characters were one dimensional. I guess one that stands out is Ashton Kutcher’s dog ditches him for Jessica Alba, and she actually has the gall to take the dog after they break up. Looking back, that was kind of awesome.

Chicks – There were good looking women in the film, but I get kind of bored looking at big-time celebrities unless they are wearing something provocative (lack of clothing also counts as provocative). Nudity would have greatly helped this film. That’s not saying much, because there aren’t many things that could make it worse.

Likeable Character –

With all the shitty people in this movie, I am shocked that they also got Larry Miller to appear in this film. Larry Miller is the King of “Mean Old Guy in Teen Comedies” edging out the prince, Cliff Howard. He has been in such films as Senior Skip Day, Bag Boy, and Ten Things I Hate About You. He is snarky and hilarious, and he totally owns the two minutes that he is on screen. I would expect nothing less from a Teen Comedy Icon.

Best Scene – Ashton Kutcher needs to stop his best friend from getting her heart broken so he goes to the airport before she flies off (what an inventive idea). He is so hurried that he leaves his shoes at the metal detectors so he can stop her. As he runs away, it flashes to what appears to be a retarded, handicapped, 10 year-old girl. That’s right, she has both a physical and mental handicap. As Ashton runs away, she yells, “Mr. Man Forgot His Shoes.” That’s not cute; that’s offensive. The uncomfortable feeling throughout the theater made me laugh.

Why would they do that? – They showed two midgets holding hands for approximately two seconds, and it was just to show midgets in the movie. If you see this and laughed, you should bite the curb.

Blatant Waste of (not consuming) Beer – Me, for not getting black-out drunk before this movie started.

A Better Title Would Have Been – Hey, Look, It’s A Celebrity

This movie was an absolute crime. It had a lazy plot, unsuccessfully went for cheap laughs, and somehow convinced a bunch of shitty famous actors (and Bradley Cooper) to be in the film so people would go see it. If you have seen this unfortunate piece of shit, feel free to contact the writer on Twitter here.

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