Thursday, February 11, 2010

What's a Dickfor?

Answer: For fucking, you dumbass.

Now that's a good joke. Anytime you can bring Dickfor into a conversation, you know that you did something right with your life. But I just wanted to give a quick example of simple humor that works and makes you look like a complete badass.

The reason I am writing this is for jokes that don't work. These are situational jokes that aren't funny, and they make you look like a douchebag.

Situation 1:
Me: My shoulder hurts every time I do this (puts arms in circular motion)
Douchebag: Then stop doing that.

Alright, fuckface, great advice. That would work for you, because you're a stupid douchebag who doesn't need your shoulder except for something to cry on, because nobody loves you. I'm active, I need to use my shoulder. I can't just stop using my shoulder, but when you say things like that, everyone hopes you stop using your lungs, because clearly your brain has already checked out.

Situation 2:
I am rocking out and singing a song, as happy as can be.
Douchebag: Who is this song by?
Me: Name of Artist.
Douchebag: Let's keep it that way.

Let's break it down. You see somebody having a good time, and your first reaction is that you want to ruin their good time. You ask them a question to first interrupt their good time, which already makes you seem like a piss-poor human being. Then, this person answers your question, because they want to be helpful, and they are clearly in a good mood. You respond with trying to crush their good time.

There should be genocide against anyone who uses this joke, and I mean that in the most offensive way possible. If you do this, you do not deserve to live.

After thinking about this a little bit, I realize that the world probably won't support my genocide idea. Alas, I do have a solution for the people who just want to rock out and have a great time. We'll start where we left off:

Douchebag: Let's keep it that way.
Me: Actually, I'd love to hear you sing this in soprano (Groin shot).

As they keel over in pain, you will know you did a great thing for society. The great thing about groin shot is its ambiguous, it can be a punt, a direct punch, a good knee, a Ric Flair-esque blow, or even an actual shotgun blast straight to their groin. Feel free to use your creativity.

Now this obviously won't work on females, but here's some options if a woman does it to you:
1. Headbutt - Classic and effective.
2. If you work with her, do the same amount of work as her, yet enjoy getting paid twice as much.
3. Inject yourself with a different race's sperm and impregnate her. When the baby looks nothing like you, she'll be forced to raise a child by herself. Then have this exchange:
Me: That baby looks like a Dickfor.
Her: What's a Dickfor?
Me: For fucking, you moron.

Now that's comedy.

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