Monday, April 12, 2010

Soaking

Soaking is easily the greatest underground cultural phenomenon since Robo-trippin. Up until about a week ago, I had no idea what this soaking was, and then JVD casually brought it up between talk of fantasy baseball. Soaking is yet another great thing that the Mormons have brought to us (it's right up there with American Jesus and Jimmer Fredette).
Master of the Scoop Layup

The act of soaking is when a man inserts his penis inside a woman's vagina. Many of you may think that this sounds an awful lot like sex, but this is most certainly not sex, because the act ends there. There is no thrusting, no grinding, no climax, he just puts it in and "soaks" it. Mormons do not consider this sex. If your jaw is dropped right now, you're not alone, I had that exact same reaction. I decided I needed to learn more about this amazing discovery.

Just in case you were wondering, the first thing that comes up when you Google "Soaking Sex" is not what I was looking for, but often referred to a lady who was ornery. Still, I was able to plow through those false results and get to the bottom of the soaking phenomenon.

Although I struggled to find any scholastic articles that referred to soaking, I did find the next best thing at Urban Dictionary. There seem to be a few names for this act, such as Provo Soak, Floating, or Dick Soak. Although some of the descriptions and examples given were good, they basically went over the definition that I was already familiar with.

A site called New Schoolers was a little more helpful as it went over the spiritual side of things when it comes to soaking. At this site I found out that many would not get into the passion of soaking, but instead bring up scriptures and mundane things like what the other person did during the day.

Although I wasn't able to find too much concrete information on soaking, it still remains an incredible discovery. When I introduced this term to friends over the weekend, there were approximately 250 soaking jokes made in a 24 hour span. We laughed every time.

So I encourage everyone to go out there, find a nice lady, and instead of punching your ticket to hell with premarital sex, just go ahead and soak it. You'll get to stick your penis in a vagina, you'll have the blessing of American Jesus, and it'll give you a chance to talk about things that make you seem like a boring loser...like blogging.

-Joe

P.S. Yes, I'm aware of all the possible transfers in Iowa's program, but I'm going to wait to comment until the players have picked new schools with the chance they may go back to Iowa.

6 comments:

  1. I cant wait for a soaking rap song

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  3. I wonder if Bill Clinton was a closet Mormon.

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  4. Am I the only one (who isn't a mormon, and who isn't at all opposed to pre-marital sex) who thinks this would actually be a really great way to cuddle?

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  5. How is this not pre-marital sex? Dictionary definition of sex = sexual behavior: sexual activity, or behavior leading to it. I also define it as penetration. This is exactly what soaking is. I've been a Mormon 40 years and this would get anyone sent to the bishop's office for having sex.

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    1. TTS, lighten up with your old school sexual norms. They're not humping, just soaking it. God is a modern fella, so I think he'd be cool with it, and who knows, he may have even soaked with Mary once or twice.

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