Thursday, May 6, 2010

Air Beds - Ideal For Celibacy

Moving down to Albuquerque, there was no way I was going to haul a real mattress down to my new location, so I did the next logical thing and purchased an air mattress.

Air mattresses are awesome in my opinion. They are stored easily and can be blown up in about a minute, and boom, instant bed. Every night I turn the blower on for about five seconds to make sure that I have maximum air in there before peacefully falling asleep. I like my mattresses like my lady's breasts, firm.

Still, society seems to have this misconception that an air mattress is somehow lower than a regular mattress. When I told my roommate that I had an air mattress, his response was that this air mattress must be a real bummer for me and he offered me a beaten up futon that he had in storage. I politely declined his offer. I don't want a brand new futon over my air mattress, much less some semen soaked piece of shit futon that he was probably offering.

My roommate being one of the many people who have problems with air mattresses really isn't that big of a deal to me. The problem comes when the air mattress is brought up to somebody from the opposite sex. It is one of the worst possible sleeping arrangements in a lady's mind. Since I am an expert on women (nobody has ever told me that I'm an expert, and honestly, nobody's ever even told me that I'm good with women, but I know it in my heart to be true), I have decided to rank the best possible sleeping arrangements to have when trying to impress (bang) a lady.

1. Bed Of Cash - The pinnacle of impressing a lady is having a bed of cash. All women are after men's money, and that is why anytime I talked to a child before an on-field event at a River Bandits game, I would always warn him that women were only after his money (this is 100% true). Bitches love money, because they LOVE stuff. If you're ever struggling closing the deal, just let the lady know about your bed of cash, and she'll let you perform just about anything you can think of, it's a very money move (pun intended).

2. Large Bed - For those of you who can't sleep on $100 bills, a large bed is the next best thing for a lady to see when getting back to your place. It lets her know that you need the extra room, because beautiful women love to stay over with you. It's impressive without being braggy, a very solid move.

3. Small Bed - Small beds can actually be a good thing for some ladies. It lets her know that you're game to cuddle after satisfying her every sexual desire. The biggest downside is that you pretty much have to cuddle unless you give her the boot. But if you properly sexed her, she should be content with either outcome.

4. Couch - Here is where we run into the lie that you are going to get a bed when really you're not, because you're perfectly happy with your bed substitute. The couch is the pinnacle of these decisions when all else is equal. A girl can come in, see a couch in the room, imagine it with a bed in there as well and think that this will turn into a pretty classy setup. Since all women are after your money, she assumes she's going to stay around for the long haul when you do class things up, but I think that all guys know that it is best to D.E.N.N.I.S. her before that ever happens.

5. Futon - The futon comes in second place, because a girl will bang on a futon for nostalgia from her college days. Every college girl did it, was shamed by it, but still did it many more times. Take advantage of her more innocent times and treat her like the tramp that she is.

6. Sleeping Bag - Yes, the sleeping bag is ahead of the air mattress, for that same reason that no girl is going to think this is your real bed, just a temporary fix before you get something nice with high thread count sheets. The interesting part about the sleeping bag is that it can jump all the way to 2 or 3 depending on the girl. Set up a tent under the stars, and girls turn into a sprinkler downstairs. When I was down in Tampa, a wise man told me to shut the fuck up and stare at the pussy, this is terrible advice unless you have a tent set up under the stars. Enjoy the ride.

7. Air Mattress - These broads know. They know that this is really what you are sleeping on and that it probably isn't changing until you pop a hole in the damn thing. You seriously would be better off if you deflated it before a night of drinking and just laying a sleeping bag on the floor. Girls are disgusted by the idea of love making on an air mattress. For some reason, a bed filled with padding is totally acceptable, but a bed filled with air is unacceptable. Even though it would be fitting, it's a good thing that my air mattress company has not come up with the slogan of: Aerobed: Ideal For Celibacy

8. Cardboard Box - I figured there had to be something worse than an air mattress, so I'd say being homeless would probably be it. But let's face it, homeless dudes don't pick up chicks, they rape and murder them. Don't need much of a bed if you go that route.

And that wraps up a review on sleeping choices when it comes to charming the ladies.


P.S. Although I use an air mattress, I make up for it by being a stone cold pimp.

P.P.S. The blog has had over 1000 visits. That's 250 from each of my followers, thanks guys. Also, to date, I have made 17 cents by having ads on the site, Las Vegas better watch out this weekend.


  1. The best part is the ad that came through to Google Reader for this post was for Maybe you can find a woman that values your airbed on there?

  2. The problem comes when the air mattress is brought up to ...

  3. There are churches full of people here and there and around the world, and MANY raise their hands in glory, hallelujah and yet have missed the message of the Gospel, the person of Jesus, the plan of God.

    1. Jesus was born in hay; that is likely worse than an air mattress. Praise the Lord!