Wednesday, May 19, 2010

People I Hate - Chapter 2: LOL, Ur a Douchebag! JK! (But Not Really)

It's time for people to start acting their age. We have reached the point where Internet Slang is no longer acceptable. For Christ's sake, most of my friends are in their mid-20s, it's time to grow up. It isn't that hard to spell out what you actually want to say, and it's time for everyone to stop acting like teenage girls and start using adult language.

Here are the four things that people use in their writing (typing, texting, etc) that pisses me off to no end. All of these are unacceptable for males and unattractive females. Since cute girls can get away with shit like this, I would say the first three are annoying, but not an epic failure on their parents' part (still a failure). The final one is inexcusable, especially for the ladies.

1. LOL

Really? We're still using lol? This is fine for teenage girls, but we're grown-ups, we need to start acting like it. Anybody who is still dropping an lol deserves a kidney punch. Do you think Roger Sterling sends a hilarious e-mail to Don Draper and Draper responds lol? Of course not. First off, because they are fictional characters from a time before e-mail, but even if they had e-mail, those guys would never use lol. How should you substitute? A simple Ha is acceptable. Holy shit, did you see what I just did there? I shortened the typing from three to two. It's shorter, and you won't look like a 14 year old when you use it. I'm goddamn amazing.

2. Exclamation Points
I'm not sure if people realize this, but exclamation points are reserved for things that you are truly excited about. Examples would include, "I won the lottery!" or "My syphillis cleared up!" These are exciting things that deserved to be exclaimed for the whole world to know about. Mundane bullshit does not need to be exclaimed, a simple period will work fine (This is the part where some shitty female comedian like Roseanne would comment, "nothing is simple about a period," and a bunch of dumb broads would laugh hysterically. Girls have the worst sense of humor). If you start your e-mails with, "Hey! How are you!" That deserves a headbutt. First off, you're just saying hey, no need to exclaim hey. Second off, how are you is a fucking question. End it with a question mark.

3. Ur go-n 2 B l8

This one literally makes me ill to my stomach. I see it, and I feel the pain of the English language being brutalized by lazy fucks. Just spell out the words. I am convinced that anybody who uses these cannot actually spell the words that they are trying to use. I know I am right, especially in the case of Ur and 2. There is no way for an adult to memorize that you're=you are. How could any human being possibly retain that knowledge? And the differences between to, two, and too is absolutely mind boggling. English is your first language, please learn it. Anybody who uses any of these deserves to bite the curb.

4. FML
This is very similar to other areas, but it gets its own world, because it epitomizes the downfall of our generation. For those unfamiliar (and God, I wish I was one of you), FML means Fuck My Life. Here are examples of people using FML, "I have three tests this week, FML" or "I have to work a ten hour day, ugh, FML" and "Avatar sold out, FML." Now clearly, I am using proper punctuation and capitalization to help my loyal readers understand this, but do not expect any of that to happen when someone uses FML. Let me break this down for the uneducated so they can realize what this actually means. Fuck My Life is basically telling people that you want to be raped. That would fuck your life, literally, as in you would be getting fucked, and the emotional damage would fuck up your life as well. I'm not one to advocate serial rapists, but if I was on the jury for a guy who only raped people who used the term FML, I'd have a pretty hard time coming up with a guilty verdict. Does that sound harsh? Maybe it is, but there's an old saying that I would like to remind you about. Be careful what you wish for, because a serial rapist who patrols Facebook might just give it to you.

In short, just please stop doing these things. I don't want to see the people I care about kidney punched, headbutted, curb stomped, or raped. Thanks.

-Joe

P.S. In today's post, I didn't tell you anything that you didn't already know, much like this guy:

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