Wednesday, May 5, 2010

People I Love - Chapter 1: Jose Canseco

After being hate-filled yesterday, I felt it was only necessary to balance out my zen and show some love for an awesome human being.

Growing up, I remember Kirby Puckett being my favorite baseball player. What I didn't remember was my second favorite baseball player. After looking through boxes that I probably hadn't looked at in twelve years, it became apparent that my second favorite baseball player was none other than Jose Canseco.
Mesh Shirt...Check

This made me incredibly excited as I had been following Canseco on Twitter for a while and he was one of my favorite people to read about. The reason Jose is so damn entertaining is because he can't spell to save his life, and he's willing to show you the broad spectrum of his emotions.

I went all the way to the beginning, Feburary 10, 2009 and went through every one of Jose's tweets to show you why I love Jose Canseco (Jose's tweets will be in bold).

2/10/09: i have a new designer working on a complete overhaul of my website (www.JoseCanseco.com), stay tuned. JUST STAY TUNED.......
The first tweet. Jose wisely tells us to stay tuned, but then realizes people weren't totally paying attention, so he emphasizes that we need to stay the fuck tuned. Thank you Jose, we appreciate it.

4/8/09: Of the 103 unnamed players on the list who tested positive for steroids in 2003, Manny Ramirez's name is most likely on the list, 90%.
Exactly one month later, Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games for violating MLB's drug policy. Why did the world not listen to Jose? I have no idea. This isn't one of his most entertaining moments, but I do feel he deserves credit for calling this a month in advance. Also, I don't think Jose wrote this, because it uses punctuation and capitalization. If there's one thing you will learn from Jose, it's no caps or ALL CAPS.

1/15/10: as of yesterday, I finally took over my twitter account, and you will get direct info from me from here on out daily.
Nearly a year after the account started, Jose decides to take his shit over, Jesus weeps tears of joy.

1/18/10: I just saw Big Mac's interview, he got a positive reception in Saint Louis. I'm glad for him, but he is still a liar.
1 Minute Later: Hey mac, there is No crying in Baseball.
Haha Mark McGwire, you just got completely owned by Jose Canseco...again. Jose speaks the truth and calls him a liar while calling him out for crying like a little girl. Canseco is the shit.

1/19/10: There is this kid who is handicapped & always speaks to me. Seems like a nice kid. Any advice on befriending people in an open setting?
For all of those wondering if there was anything Jose Canseco can't do, there is one thing. Making friends, but Jose will come up with a great way to make friends later on, stay tuned.

2/8/10: People always talk about money. I had money, and i was miserable with it. Money doesn't make you happy, it merely enables you to live.
Jose doesn't need money. He goes on the Surreal Life for the love of the show. Also, he "wrote" a book, because of his passion for writing, which shines through on his Twitter account. The man isn't interested in possessions, he's been persecuted for doing nothing wrong, and his initials are JC. A lot of people are going to feel like real assholes when they realize they hated on the modern day Jesus Christ.

2/10/10: Don't do business with a memorabilia dealer named Dough Aimes from North Carolina most of his stuff is fake or stolen. Especially my stuff.
Thank you for the heads up Jose, I will cancel all of my contact with Dough Aimes.
30 minutes later: The guys name is Doug Ames. Bad business.
Oh shit. I just bought a shit ton from Doug Ames after I decided to stop doing business with Dough Aimes. I'll forgive you this time Jose.

2/28/10: Went to the playboy Mansion for The masquerade party with my beautiful girlfriend Leila. Then ran out of gas on The way home! What a night..
What a night indeed, but this does concern me a little bit. Mark McGwire trusted Jose to shoot him up with steroids, but he can't even read a gas gauge. I also think this means that Jose Canseco would go 1-1 in sports against each other. He would win the baseball contest, but I would destroy him in NASCAR since I would be smart enough to make a pit stop.

3/4/10: Who is interested in spending the day with me and seeing what my life is about
I am VERY interested.
5 minutes later: 1000 per day we can do anything if interested in spend a daY with jose email me at jc7264@yahoo.com
Can't say that I'm all that interested at that price to just hang out with Jose.
3/8/10: If I select u for spend e day with me here are ur options and rules. We can go bowling ,work out, wecan spar mma style ,play any sport and
I am back up to mildly interested. If I hit it big in Vegas, my earnings could be going to spend time with Jose Canseco. And if you are wondering what the and is, so am I, but I'm assuming it's awesome like high-fiving all day, taking steroids, or breaking shit.

3/5/10: Hi this is joses daughter josie... my dad just picked me up from school and grounded me and is being mean! I'm ticked offfffffffffffffff
Josie was never heard from again. Jose keeps his bitches in line. Respect.

3/9/10: I want to coach at any level anyone interested let me no I love the game so much wish I was still playing it .I have dreams about it .
Two minutes later: I also want to be an actor tha was one of my other dreams
And I want to be an astronaut, and a firefighter, and a doctor/lawyer hybrid, and a...
4/19/10: I wanted to be a comedian or an actor or freddie krueger one two freddies coming for u
Okay, I thought my doctor/lawyer hybrid idea was out there, but Freddie Krueger, wow, point Canseco.

3/19/10: I am on the toilet thinking about writing a third book
This is awesome on its own, but Jose does not settle for simple awesomeness, he takes everything to the next level.
Two minutes later: If god does exist y does he let people lie and deseve and hurt each other
Yep, he's taking a dump, possibly writing a third book, and questioning the existence of God. Ladies and gentlemen, our lord and savior, Jose Canseco.

3/21/10: This is Jose's girlfriend and everyone should know that he is a DICK
Some may think this is a fake message to give Jose more attention. But loyal followers of him would soon learn otherwise.
18 minutes later: I need ideas on how to make my girlfriend not mad at me!
I can't believe Jose didn't know the answer to how to not make a girlfriend mad at him. There is one solution that works for all ladies...DA DICK.

3/26/10: goodnight everyone yes even u haters unless ur vampires u have to sleep
Jose may not like haters, but he still wants them to have a goodnight. This is a little thing Jesus liked to call, "Turning the other cheek." Also, who is going to be the person to tell JC that vampires don't actually exist?

3/27/10: Its hard work acting like I am tuff and strong all the time I need a break anyone want to be me for a week
Jose, I know it's tough putting the world on your back, but you've got to fight through this. You're not a soft, sensitive guy, you're a badass, please start acting like one.
13 minutes later: I got sensitive for a moment ok back to my old self again all of u can kiss my big hard boooty.hey y did the skinny kid cross the road
Hell yeah, Jose is back. And this appears to be some sort of joke. I don't know Jose, why did the skinny kid cross the road?
One minute later: To buy steroids on the other side.hahahahaha
Hahahahaha indeed. I can't wait to crack up my buddies with that joke in Vegas this weekend.

4/19/10: U motherfuckerfs can dish it out but u can't take it I new u where cowards fucking genetic malfunctions should have been killed at birth
Jose not only showed off some impressive vocabulary, but we found out that he is pro-abortion, holler. What's that? He's not pro-abortion, he's pro choice. Well, Jose has this to say:
Two minutes later: Remember the movie 300 that's tbhe way it should be get rid of the shit at birth would be a better world today
Not only is he pro-abortion, but as he states to "get rid of that shit at birth," that means he's also for partial-birth abortion. Holler indeed.

Jose Canseco, even ten yeur old me knew that you were the shit. It's like Redman the Robot, shit don't change.

-Joe

P.S. Montell Marion is off the Iowa wrestling team for partying too hard, so we're down to two returning starters, whoops.

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