Thursday, June 3, 2010

Old School Writings

Here is the exciting conclusion of a story that involves strippers and supposed Hermaphrodites, uncleverly titled, Booyah. I'll start right where we left off to get everybody in the mood for the climax:

Although Pete had never been there before, he quickly led the group to a table near the middle stage. As they sat down, Pete saw a dancer coming their way and quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket. As the voluptuous African American woman walked his way, Pete put the dollar high in the air to get her attention. She came over to the table.

“Hey big boy, how’s it going?”

“Pretty good baby now that you came over.”

“You looking for a private dance?”

“How much for one of those?”

“Twenty dollars.”

“Twenty dollars? Shit, I’ll stick with the dollar dance for now.”

The clearly disappointed stripper grinded on Pete for five seconds, and then put his face into her breasts. It was then that he found out that everyone was right, there really is no better smell than stripper’s breasts. Pete took in a deep breath to truly enjoy the aroma to its fullest.

After the girl left, Pete proudly exclaimed, “YEAH, that was awesome! That fine ass bitch hella had her titties in my face.” It was not until then that Pete noticed his three friends laughing at him. “What are you guys laughing at?”

“Pete, that bitch was nasty,” James said.

“What? You must be gay, that girl had some big ol’ titties. She had a nice ass too, and she was hella feeling on my dick.”

“Shit, there’s no way she could have felt your tiny ass crooked dick,” replied James.

“She hella felt it, and she was hot, I don’t care what you guys say.”

“Pete, she had a gap in her two front teeth that you could drive a semi through,” Steve answered.

“Whatever, it was still tight.” After that, the boys were surprised to see the girl Steve was talking to earlier come up to their table with two of her friends.

“Is there room for us with you guys? There’s a ton of creepy old guys hitting on us everywhere we go in this place,” Sam said.

Steve replied, “I think ther...”

“Hell yeah, there’s room for you fine ladies at our table,” Pete interrupted.

Sam said, “These are my friends, Emily and Jenny.”

“Nice to meet you Emily and Jenny, I’m Pete and this is James.”

“Hey, nice to meet you girls.”

As Steve and Sam got to know each other better, Pete started up a conversation with Jenny who was a short blonde hair that was very cute. Meanwhile, James and Emily had an awkward conversation where James tried way too hard to work baseball into the conversation. It was also especially awkward since Emily was still under the impression that James was a hermaphrodite. After about half an hour of conversation and Pete nearly forgetting he was at a strip club, he told everyone that he needed to go outside so he could shotgun a beer to keep his buzz going.

He went out to Steve’s car and opened up the trunk to get a sixteen ounce Keystone Light. He strategically cut a hole on the side near the bottom of the can. He then put his lips on it, popped the top and let all sixteen ounces of delicious Pete fuel to run down his throat. After discarding a can, he saw a girl walking towards the back door of Booyah.

“Hey baby, you know what’s wrong with you?”

Confused, the girl replied, “No, what’s that?”

Without missing a beat, Pete said, “Not a GOD damn thing.” As she laughed, Pete thought that he was in with this girl. “So do you work here?”

“Yeah, my name’s Jasmine.”

“I’m Pete.”

“Well Pete, save some time for you, I’ve got a very special dance ready for you if you’re interested.”

“Awesome!” Pete exclaimed, too drunk to try to hide his excitement. With that, she went through the employee entrance and Pete went around to the front entrance. When he reentered, he was met by Steve.

“Hey P, what do you think of that Jenny girl?”

“She seems cool.”

“Well, she’s interested in you man, and I really think this could be the night you finally get some or at least start a relationship with the future possibility of getting some action. She’s not a model, but she’s plenty good enough for you.”

“I can’t believe you think I need a girl like that. For your information, I just had a stripper hit on me out in the parking lot and she said she’s going to look for me in the club, so I don’t need regular girls, strippers love me.”

“Pete, seriously, you shouldn’t fuck this up just because you think you’re going to get laid by a stripper, because you’re not. They are paid to make you think that way so you pay them money.”

“Yeah man, maybe you do have a point, but she was flirting with me.”

“I don’t doubt that.”

“All right, as long as you believe me, then lets go back and I’ll use the charm to have Jenny wanting to S the D.”

“Maybe you should just worry about not making an ass out of yourself instead of trying to be charming.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Then they went back to the table where Peck continued to hit it off with Jenny. Pete asked her about who her favorite sports teams were and she kept coming back with the answers he wanted to hear, responding with Bears, Cubs, and Bulls. After conversing for fifteen minutes, his attention was drawn away when Jasmine came down to the second stage.

Pete quickly zoned out Jenny and focused his attention on Jasmine completely. She moved in a poetic way that Pete had never imagined, the song “Living Dead Girl” by Rob Zombie had never sounded so beautiful to him. He wanted to go up to the stage and throw his money at her, but he knew that he had to play it cool if he planned on snagging Jasmine. Yet, Jenny did seem really cool, and Pete really liked the fact of an attractive Cubs fan over what Jasmine might be. She could be a Yankees fan for all he knew, or even worse, a Cardinals fan. After Jasmine got off the stage, Pete continued to hit it off with Jenny and surprisingly didn’t make an ass of himself.

Things changed again for Pete as he saw Jasmine approaching their table.

“Hey Pete, ready for that private dance?”

“Actually, I don’t know…”

“Is that your girlfriend over there?” Jasmine inquired while pointing at Jenny.

“No, not my girlfriend.”

“Well, then I don’t see what’s stopping us.”

Pete looked back at Jenny, then back at Jasmine, then back to Jenny again. Pete knew that it was time to make a decision. He knew what would help him decide so he followed through on it.

“Hey Jasmine, I got a question for you. Who’s your favorite baseball team?”

“I’m a Cardinals fan.”

After hearing that answer, his mind became clear on what decision that he had to make. “Well, the Cardinals suck,” he told Jasmine. “But I didn’t come here for baseball, I came here for some titties, so lets rock baby!” With that, Pete followed Jasmine, never bothering to look back to see the girls leaving. There was no need to, he knew he made the right decision.

************
And so concludes our story, I hope you enjoyed it.

-Joe

P.S. It's sad that a legend like Ken Griffey Jr. is hanging it up in baseball, but the exciting news is that he can finally resume his acting career.

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