Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Six Worst Types of People on the Planet: Part 2

4. Vampires And Werewolves - Really? Is this really happening? People think they are fictional creatures now. I remember a couple years ago when I had a female acquaintance tell me that her friend just gave her this stupid Twilight book that is supposed to be really popular right now. After reading it, and constantly updating me on how it sucked, she basically said that it was a really shitty book about douchey vampires and some whiny ass bitch (I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point). Since I am not in tune with the world of popular fiction writing, I thought nothing of it at first. Then I started seeing news reports about how these books were sweeping the nation.

But shit hit the fan when I was preparing to go to Tampa for Iowa's Outback Bowl game against South Carolina in late 2008. I will leave out these friends' names as it's so despicable that it would probably eliminate their chances of becoming full-time pharmacists, uh, whatever profession they choose. Friend one decided to bring along the Twilight book and claimed that he heard really good things about it so he was excited to read it on the trip. Before I could mock him, friend two said that he had also heard good things about that book and wouldn't mind reading it while friend one was driving. My response, "You guys are fucking with me, right?" I mean, this was the only reasonable explanation in my mind, but no, they were dead serious. After ripping a book that I had never read based strictly on it being about girls falling in love with vampires, I got them to admit that, yes, that book does sound kind of gay. I can't confirm or deny whether they eventually read it, but I never saw them reading it, which was good enough for me.

Douchey vampires were out of my life for good...until that goddamn movie came out. And they were back in full force. I can't confirm this, but my brother asked some dumbass who likes the books and movies how the vampires survive in the daylight. I was hoping that they would come up with something acceptable like they were only half-vampire (aka daywalkers) like Blade and that is how they walked around in the daylight. But no, instead they sparkle in the daylight. They fucking sparkle. Fuck you creator of Twilight. Fuck you. To make matters worse, another movie came out, and this one has goddamn werewolves that girls fall in love with. Jesus Fucking Christ.

And this is where shit gets weird. Yep, shit's been normal compared to what I have to go into now. People think they are vampires and werewolves. Let me repeat that, people think they are vampires and werewolves. People think they are fictional beings. Although it's not as weird as Furries, I definitely need to dig deeper into this.

Since this craze isn't as big, I'll touch briefly on teen werewolves. Unfortunately, this is not a fun-loving Teen Wolf that loves basketball, but instead they're basically happier emo kids. This video has been spread around the internet quite a bit, but it's worth taking a look at it to help explain these douchebags:

Basically these douchebags seek attention by wearing collars and tails. If my child ever tries to rebel by being a werewolf, he's getting dropped off in Nebraska, never to be seen again.

Now onto vampires where I consulted the website vampirewebsite.net. These vampires are a clever bunch, aren't they? They have 20 links at the top of the page to discover more about the world of vampires. Clearly, the first one that I clicked on was "Knowing if you are a real vampire". Most of the shit on this sounds like it was designed as a pickup gambit, but the basic gist of it is that if you like drinking blood, and you're totally awesome, you're probably a vampire. My favorite is #21: A legitimate Vampire is able to safely digest more than 600% of the daily recommended amount of iron (RDA is 18mg 600% of that is 108mg). This can be tested by use of iron pills bought at almost any nutrition store or grocery store.

So you want to be a legit vampire? Then you've got to go to GNC, get yourself some iron pills and hella overdose on them. If you don't get sick, then you're a LEGIT vampire. God damnit, vampires are lame.

Next up I decided to check out their information on how to tell your friends and family that you're a vampire. Right at the top, they sum it up: Most people who believe that they are a real vampire, simply have a psychological problem. Make sure you are not one of these people before you go around claiming to be a vampire. First off, we want to change most to all, but that doesn't really tell the story. They don't have psychological problems, they're just lame douchebags who want attention.

But the real goldmine of vampire information is in the section of Real vampire questions and answers, I'll put my comments in bold italics.

Q.I want to know can you eat human's food? pizza, salad etc.
A. yes
Vampires may hate the sunlight, but they still love pizza.

Is pregnancy for vampire women easier or harder than it is for normal women?
Talked to a friend of mine that had two kids before I made her a vamp and one afterwards she told me that during her pregnancy as a vamp the baby kicked a lot harder than either of the first two, logicaly im guessing they get that bonus strength from the start.
Wow, just wow. Any answer where someone states they turned another person into a vampire, and then uses the word "logically" is from a person that is bat-shit crazy. Vampire babies having extra strength just makes me think of when Dwight Schrute said that he absorbed his twin brother so now he has the strength of a full-sized man and a baby.

Do you believe all vampires need to consume blood? Why or why not?
All a real vampire can do is laugh at those dumb enough to ask whether you need to consume blood as a vampire. Of course you do, dumbass.

Do you believe vampires have a special place in society? If so, what is that place? If not, why not?
I believe that the current society would be much better to live in if they had a higher level of openess to the fact that real vampires do exist and that we have been living amongst them for who knows how long. I would like it if they accepted the fact that real vampires exist to the degree of where we could buy blood in a grocery store as easily as a person buys a premade pizza
Going through the grocery store, ah, there's pig blood, deer blood, elephant blood, giraffe blood, and there it is, Tombstone Pizza. Yeah, that seems reasonable.

Oh, and are you looking to get rid of your enemies?

want a free donor? i volunteer my roomate as long as you drain her completly, her lazyness has pissd me the hell off.
whyte_panther22: you cant volunteer some one else
Vampire legend whyte_panther22 is having none of that. No volunteering others, assholes. These are LEGITIMATE vampires.

These people are probably the biggest douchebags on this list, but the thing they have going for them is that they are harmless, and even looking at both werewolves and vampires, this still isn't a widespread phenomenon like furries.

These assclowns started because of a book about sparkling vampires. How hard is it to create one of these books? Not too hard. How do I know that? Because I'm going to do it. What do girls love more than anything else in the world? DA DICK. What do they love the second most? Unicorns. So bam, I make the unicorn's horn its sex cannon, and I call my book Love Horn. They won't let their differences get in the way of love. Girls and unicorns uniting in love...finally. This shit writes itself.


P.S. Some people like adult videos, Jim Schwartz likes Jahvid Best highlight videos, but this is the type of video that gets me going:

P.P.S. I had a record-setting 59 visitors yesterday, putting us up over 2000 visitors since the blog started. Keep spreading the word, so by 2012, I can sell this thing for $20 million.


  1. So Im guessing your going to fly back every Iowa home game and go to DC's with me and Joel to continue our dominance of that bar and that city

  2. How can you say they are the worst people in the world? These are the people I need so that I could laugh at them and relieve my stress. Oh and thanks for the post.

  3. Wow, stumbled upon this looking for wolf stuff. lol. I like these "douchebags" that "seek attention by wearing collars and tails." more than some douchebag jock anyday. Now don't get me wrong I hate twilight as much as the next sensible person, but really one of the worst people in the world? I would say murderers and people that actually screw up other people's lives should be on the list much much higher than some teenagers that like to dress like an animal. But hey that's just my thought, and wolves are pretty cool.


  4. If my area had a "wolfpack" i would honestly get high on a lot of pcp, strip naked, chase them down and physically rape and eat them, like a real animal would. If you're part "wolf" I am obviously part BIG MOTHERFUCKING LURCH!

    1. I don't think there's a lot of cross-breed rape going on in the wild, but I admire your enthusiasm.