Thursday, June 17, 2010

Soccer Players Are Pussies

Like many people, I am watching soccer for the first time in four years. I'm watching it partly because it's relevant for the first time in four years and partly, because my other option is listening to Skip Bayless and I'd rather wipe my ass with a rusty saw than do that.

Soccer is a good sport to watch in the way that you can be doing something else and really not miss anything if you just occasionally glance at the screen anytime the announcer raises his voice. To simply watch a game without a heavy amount of alcohol in your system seems nearly impossible to me, but as the Hipsters would say, "I just don't get it."

Now this doesn't mean that I don't think these guys are in great shape, they are definitely in shape. But I also can't consider any of these guys among the best athletes in the world, because these guys are all a bunch of pussies. It seems like soccer players lack pride. If somebody gets knocked down in any other sport, they immediately pop up to let the opponent know that they weren't phased by what just happened. If someone slides and makes any contact with their legs, a soccer player reacts as if his entire knee has been shredded by the contact.

Also, I don't understand why people get pissed at Cristiano Ronaldo for faking to try to get fouls called. EVERYBODY is faking. They all drop for any reason they can find. Plus, the refs are pussies as they kicked out some Nigerian for attempting to kick a guy. He didn't even connect with it. That ref must have a country album coming out and he's looking for press (And there is a reference that I'm guessing nobody will get).

Not only are they pussies physically but mentally as well. The reason there is no scoring in any of these games is because everybody has worked on tightening up their defense instead of trying to put pressure on the other team with offense. Honestly, it's a smart strategy, but they're still playing the game like pussies. It's why Spain can have approximately 311 scoring opportunities and the Swiss can beat them while having two scoring opportunities.

Soccer is like Ultimate Frisbee that isn't played with D-Port Rules. If they allowed pushing, shoving, tackling, and occasional punching, soccer would be way awesome, much like D-Port Ultimate Frisbee is. But if they stick with these pussy rules, everybody's just going to think soccer players are a bunch of fags. I hope a team that is eliminated after two games goes into their third game and brings the D-Port mentality to the sport and gets everybody redcarded. If a team did that, I would totally buy the jersey of whoever got kicked out for the most violent act.

The world loves soccer like Americans love NASCAR. I think both sports are pretty boring on TV, but I think they would both be a lot of fun to go to for a live event. There's always something going on which is great for live sporting events, but it's an extremely slow sport for television.

Oh yeah, and despite all my complaining, I'm still going to watch just about every game.


P.S. I know the vuvuzelas are a big deal and everything, but unless I am consciously thinking about them, I never really even think about the buzz going on. I am apparently the only person in the world who isn't driven to insanity by these things. It's just more proof of my superior DNA.


  1. Yeah, I don't see the bfd with the horns either. So many people are bitching about games being unwatchable because of them, but i think theyre just looking for an excuse to not watch. I hardly notice them either

  2. I get your reference Joe, your namesake Joe West is a great umpire.