Monday, June 7, 2010

The Six Worst Types of People on the Planet: Part 1

My brother, cousin, and I had a discussion about what the most despicable pieces of shit on the planet were. After careful consideration, including five minutes of research, I will reveal the six worst types of human beings on this planet. Today, we'll do numbers six and five.

6. Hippies - Since I know a lot of hippies, I could feel worried about the consequences of calling them one of the five worst type of people on the planet, but then I remembered that they're hippies. What are they going to do? Grow so many trees that I get over-oxygenated? Good luck with that hippies. For the most part, hippies are harmless, but this also leads to their ultimate failure. What have hippies ever done for the world? According to my good friends (except not at all) at Republican Rebel, the hippie is "first and foremost an unemployed, unproductive member of society."

When I googled "Successful Hippie" the first story that popped up was "Ex-hippie turns successful businesswoman" (and that hippie has a face only a mother could love). Success and hippies are mutually exclusive things, you can have one, but not the other. At Happily Hippie, their home page still celebrates 4/20...2009. God damnit hippies, you have nothing but free time, at least update your website every year.

If this all hasn't convinced you that hippies are bad news, here's two hippie females (with beards) giving a baby some marijuana:
Fucking hippies.

5. Emo - I actually just found out that emo is short for emotional. It's not like this doesn't make sense, but since emo people are pretty inconsequential, my inner thoughts begin and end with "Emos, they really suck." These people seek attention but think the world is a cruel place. But really, I don't interact with emo people all that often, so I figured I would let a person from Emo Corner describe it to you:

"Emo,yes it is short for emotional. But,there is more to emo then hair and looks. Emo is a state of mind. Most people,made them selves appear emo. While in reality,they have to much hope to be emo. Emo is much like goth. But,goth is Darker. Emo is more emotional,harder to fake. Yes,some emos cut themselves,but there is more than that. Emo is one of the hardest things,to explain. People hate emos,b/c they view us as suicidal,cry babies,or just week. That's NOT what emo is. Suicidal yes,at times. But,don't judge me for being emo. It's not what I chose to be. It's just what I am."

There's a lot to work with here, so let's break it down:
1. They're emotional - no big shocker there.
2. You can't just make yourself emo with a look, it has to come from within.
3. Having hope is not emo. Hopelessness is emo.
4. Do NOT confuse them with goth people, goth is darker, dumbass. Emos just like to cut themselves and occasionally attempt suicide.
5. Emos are pussies, because they cut themselves instead of actually succeeding in suicide.
6. People view emos as suicidal, crybabies, and weak. All of these things are true. This person admits they are suicidal. He does nothing but whine about the world throughout this entire post, so I'd consider that a crybaby. And he identifies himself as emotional, what could be weaker than that?

Let's look at this logically, if someone were to ask me what it is like being Hott Joe, I could come up with a much simpler reply than this turd burglar came up with. "Being Hott Joe means doing whatever I want, whenever I want, and it's awesome." Boom, done.

Emos are really as harmless as hippies. The reason they are worse than hippies is that hippies don't really care about anything. They don't try, they're just there. Emos go out of their way to try to get attention from the world, and they're way less fun at parties.

The weird part about emos as opposed to the rest of the people that I will mention is that I actually hope for their success. An emo person is somebody that you leave a gun around without the safety on and just see what happens. I'll assume they'll show their emotional side and start to cuddle the gun, but how fun it will be when they accidentally cuddle that trigger. Night Night.

-Joe

P.S. Anybody looking to shed a few extra pounds at any time, I have a method that will most definitely work. Just turn off your air conditioning (or not have it work, like in my case). Let those 90-100 degree temperatures do the work as you shed weight. It turns your room into a disgusting sauna where every time you get up, you leave a trail of sweat from every orifice of your body. But you'll look great in a bathing suit. And that's all that really matters.

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