Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Whiskey: A Wedding Story

Ah, whiskey. My delicious mistress. I'm not sure if you make it so I don't need to get laid, or if you make it to where I can't get laid, but either way, I'm happy that you're in my life. You are there for me any time that I need you, and I needed you this weekend.

My sister gave my parents hope for grandchildren by getting married this past weekend. This is great news as I'm glad my parents don't even have to consider counting on me to settle down and start a family, because I have the maturity of a 15 year old. But this isn't about family, this is about whiskey. The wedding and reception were both very nice, and nobody messed up any words, so that's really all you need to know about that part. At the reception, there were tubs filled with fancy beer since that's what fancy people drink. But since I am proud to be white trash, and there was no Natural Light among the fancy beers, it was time to go down a different, far more dangerous path, the whiskey path.

After the wedding, everyone goes inside to have some fancy hors d'oeuvres. I immediately go to the bar and order a seven and seven. Unfortunately, there was no Seagram's and there was no 7Up, so my seven and seven turned into a Crown and Sprite. Is this optimal? Of course not. Will it work? Hell yes. I start pounding away on whiskey, because there really isn't anything else for me to do.

They open up the room that the main part of the reception is taking place and they get the band going and a lot of people start cutting a rug on the dance floor. Here is my dilemma. As everyone who follows the phenomena that is West Coast Dance knows, I love to get my groove on, but my mother gave me strict instructions that I could not make an ass out of myself, and as we all know, West Coast Dance is rather shocking for those unfamiliar with it. Hence, I had to keep my dancing to a minimum. This was probably a good call, because after the ladies saw my dance moves, I'm thinking a few of the married ones would have looked into divorce when they realized what they were missing out on.

Luckily, I was able to compliment my whiskey with food as they had stations all around the room with different food on it. This was very good news as a whiskey dinner would have definitely led to West Coast Dance playing a prevalent role in the evening's festivities, so I loaded up on Crab Cakes, beef tips, and grilled salmon.

After that, it was just me and whiskey. Sure, I politely talked to others at the wedding so as not to come across as rude, but really, I didn't need them. I didn't need any human interaction. All I needed was whiskey. There were many times where I would sneak outside, and sometimes there were smokers out there to talk to, but other times, glorious times, it was just me and my fresh glass of alcohol.

Overall, my date (whiskey and Sprite) and I had a great evening, and I might just take her to the wedding reception going down in D-Port in two weeks. There's also the chance that I sneak in a case of Natural Light and make it a Naturday. Some might call me classless, and they might be right, but one thing's for sure, I wouldn't have it any other way.


P.S. If anybody's read any good books lately, let me know, because I'm starting to run low on things that I'm actually interested in reading. Also, if you mention Harry Potter or Twilight, you will receive a low blow.


  1. I don't know how much Chuck Klosterman you've read, but his selections are usually good so long as you don't care about his desire to try and be a real-life version of Rob Gordon from High Fidelity.

    Dave Sedaris is good - I'd start with Me Talk Pretty One Day. Also, Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.

  2. Man, what a restraint to not west coast dance