Monday, July 5, 2010

Frat Party: A Minute by Minute Review

Everybody is busy this time of the year, and there is no way for you to accomplish everything that you would like to do during the summer. With so many interesting movies being made, it's tough to get around to seeing all of them. I know you have been trying to find time to see the 2009 cinematic masterpiece, Frat Party, but between your 30th viewing of Adam & Evil, and your 45th viewing of Scarecrow Gone Wild, who has the time? Luckily, I have the time. Here is the trailer of the movie (it's not necessary to watch, but it will give you an idea of what characters look like when I refer to them)

And now, I will save you the 1:22 that this movie takes, and give you a minute-by-minute rundown of the movie, Bill Simmons style.

:00 – We are introduced to our main character, Duffy. I do not immediately hate him. This will surely change.

:01 – This girl is bragging about being the craziest in bed. Let’s get some video evidence. God damnit, all they show is them twirling around kissing to show how crazy she is. Not only was that not crazy, they weren't even in a bed. This is his ex-girlfriend, and she’s kind of weird looking, I’m unimpressed.

:03 - One of his old girlfriends was named Sandy Waves, he would bang her at the gym at 5:00 every day. Finding a gym where nobody is there at 5:00 is a joke. Also, on his lifting scene, he was curling 15 pounders. What a bitch.

:04 - One of his old girlfriends was named Ivana Humpalofsky, is there anybody who finds names like that entertaining?

:05 - He also banged hot twins and his professor. Of course he did.

:05 - Then he tells us how he’s getting married. His girl is pretty hot, but I have definitely seen better in teen comedies. It looks like she has too much hair for her tiny head (I have an uncanny ability in finding flaws in attractive women. One quick look up and down, and I can make a girl self-conscious for the rest of her life. It’s a gift).

:07 - He’s getting married the Saturday of graduation, but wants to have one last great party on Friday night with his bros from the frat. She’s not going to let him though. Something tells me he’s still going to this party, possibly because the movie is called Frat Party.

:09 – He has a fat friend. Of course he has a fat friend.

:10 – Adriana (the broad that our main character is marrying) supposedly has hot friends, but the girls really aren’t that hot. I bet the fat dude disgusts them…and I am correct.

:14 – She’s letting him go to the party, YES!

:15 – Fat friend is excited that his boy Duffy gets to go the party, so excited that he popped his collar.

:16 – Jesus Christ, some frat douche is on the phone with double popped collars.

:17 – They have an Asian massage parlor at the frat house. Of course they do.

:19 – They’re doing a montage of the Asians massaging these two douchebags. Really? A montage of that?

:21 – Fat guy decides he needs to get a happy ending with Duffy laying three feet away from him. Duffy stays while making awkward faces.

:22 – Disgusting teen comedy moment, don’t want to ruin it for you, also don’t want to relive it.

:24 – Adriana’s father has the most awful accent I have ever heard. I think he’s trying to be Italian, but it’s kind of a mix between Tickle Me Elmo and a retarded Bulgarian.

:24 – Tennis scene with Adriana’s sister and her significant other and I can tell that dude has never played tennis before.

:26 – This movie is getting unbearably stupid. Her sister’s boyfriend wants to marry Adriana and that’s what her father wants as well. His name is Stefano.

:27 – Oh no. Her father is sending Stefano to the university. I hope he’s not planning on getting Duffy into trouble.

:29 – This movie is more than hitting its quota for shots of bare breasts, so I guess it’s not all bad.

:34 – His buddies get Duffy a pornstar from his same high school for his final night as a bachelor. If I ever get married, friends, please do not get me a porn star that I went to high school with.

:37 – He turns down the pornstar, because he loves his fiancĂ©. What a good guy.

:40 – The sight of a girl made the fat guy bust his load in his pants. Yes, just the sight of the girl. There was no touching, nor was she naked, she wasn’t even topless. I’ll admit that this movie is wearing me down.

:41 – Another girl wants to bang Duffy. He just asked her if she would do him a favor. This movie could have gotten my approval if his favor was for her to “Brush em.”

:42 – First funny line of the movie, Douchey McDoublePoppedCollar just said to treat her like a piggy bank and stick things inside of her. What can I say? I’m easily amused.

:45 – Duffy just got tricked into stripping down to his boxer shorts and getting tied up. Yes, he got tricked into doing that without thinking anything of it until it was too late.

:50 – The tying up was a trap by Stefano and this random girl, and he hasn’t figured out that they tied him up with string and he could probably break through that.

:53 – His fat friend discovered him. Since Duffy missed his flight, they are going to do the unthinkable and drive to the wedding. It’s an EPIC six-hour drive. I’m driving longer than that to see Iowa beat Arizona in September. They start the drive at 4 AM, so they should be in Napa by 10 AM. I don’t think they’ll miss the wedding.

:56 – Fat dude keeps falling asleep behind the wheel while he has sexual dreams. It’s not entertaining.

:58 – For some reason, the bride and her sister slept in the same bed. Women be shoppin.

:59 – Duffy is late, so now everyone is trying to convince this broad to marry Stefano, who yes, is dating the sister. Even the sister thinks this is a good idea.

1:00 – In the driving montage, one time they showed a car that was completely different than the car they were driving.

1:05 – Duffy is about to walk in to the wedding, but, wait…NO! The chick really just decided she’d marry Stefano because Duffy was late. Cue dramatic music. Yes, that means that her wedding was done by 10 AM. Women be shoppin.

1:07 – Duffy’s parents watched the wedding that their son wasn’t in and are disappointed in him. The mother may be the worst actress I have ever seen in a teen comedy; that’s an impressive accomplishment.

1:08 – Duffy is now with the blonde chick from the beginning of the movie.

1:11 – Stefano and Duffy just talked shit back and forth. Finally, Stefano said, “If you weren’t so short, I would come over there and punch you in the nipple.”

1:18 – Adriana just caught her sister banging her husband. Of course she did.

1:22 – They anticlimactically get back together, and the movie ends, thank god.

This movie was bad, but when you're looking up obscure teen comedies for a movie to watch, the standards are pretty low so it didn't bother me as much as other films that I have watched. Plus, there are a lot of tits.

-Joe

P.S. Here's a gif of the Gerald Harris slam in case you missed it. I don't think I've watched a gif this much since Snooki got punched.

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