Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Lonely Profile Picture

Now, usually, I'm laying a written beatdown on people when they exhibit behavior of a douchebag. Today, I am going to change my tune and show sympathy to a group of people that appear to be douchebags at first glance. I'm sure that everyone has come across this person when glancing at Facebook, MySpace, or, BlackPlanet. It is the person who takes a picture of their reflection in the mirror while they have a "cool" look going for them. When I see this, I feel no anger for these people, just sadness. Here's an example of one of these sad souls:

He's trying to look happy, but you can tell that he isn't. Think about this, these people are so desperately lonely that they are the only person they can find who would actually take a picture of them. Without their mirror and camera phone, people would only see them as a question mark when looking at their profile.

These people are so pathetic that they cannot get a Facebook picture the way that many of us get our picture. Personally, I just party hard and somehow pictures organically appear once I have sobered up. Not only are they unable to do this, they are also unable to go to a friend and say, "Hey, can you take a picture of me?" This is certainly a sad way for them to live.

Now there is some douchey behavior that I do need to touch on. First is a minor one that I briefly touched on where they try to get a "cool" look going for them. You're taking a picture of yourself in a mirror, there is no way to look cool. The other behavior is far worse, as these people are tying to look like badasses. They take a picture of a mirror while being shirtless. Oh, you lonely, lonely soul. Not only do you not have friends, you can't even afford a t-shirt. At least, I hope that's the case, because I hope that you aren't that big of a douchebag that you would actually rip off a bunch of situps and pushups before taking a picture of yourself in a mirror.
Oh, wait, you actually do.

Listen, it's easy to look cool in a profile picture. Just get friends, party hard, and have them take a picture of you with some thoroughbred dimepiece. When you reach my level of badassery, you'll learn to cut out the TD of the profile picture so the attention can properly be focused on you. Everybody already knows chicks dig me, so there's no need to show it off in a profile picture, but this is not a move for beginners. If you're taking pictures of yourself in the mirror, stick to the basics.

So get friends, party hard, get a natural picture of you actually having a good time, and you'll have a way easier time scoring babes on the internet.


P.S. I have been striking out with my movie selections as of late, and although it wasn't a home run, the movie, Deep in the Valley, was at least a ground rule double. It has a pretty amazing cast in it. It co-starts Chris Pratt (Andy from Parks & Rec), and also has appearances by Scott Caan, Denise Richards, Tracy Morgan, Kim Kardashian, and even an appearance by Shooter McGavin. Now, yes, the plot is about two guys who get transported to an alternate dimension where every aspect of it is related to a porn movie, but I'd still give it a shot as it is at least as entertaining as Party Animalz. Also, the international title for this movie is "Hot Babes."

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