Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Old School Writings: Religion Rap Battle

I literally have nothing on my mind, so I figured I'd still produce a blog post by just publishing one of the stories I wrote back in college. It's about a Religion Rap Battle to determine the one true religion for the world. I'm going to post the first half of the story today, and I'll post the second half tomorrow. Let me know if you enjoy it.

Religion Rap Battle

It was the first, it was the last, and it absolutely meant everything. It was the first ever religion rap battle. All the big dogs came to this tournament and so many had already fallen. Joss Reckus had coasted through the preliminaries to make it to the elite eight. People constantly asked him how he got his name, and he was happy to explain that Joss Reckus was actually an anagram for Jesus Rocks. As much fun as he had making it here, he knew that he had to take every opponent seriously now. Sure, destroying belief systems like Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormonism, and Matrixism was easily done, but now he had to face the big dogs. They were down to the real religions, the final eight were an upstart religion that he hadn’t heard much about and hence didn’t care, Kaballah, Scientology, Satanism, Judaism, Rastafarianism, Jedi Census Phenomenon, and him representing Catholicism.

Joss Reckus was born as Neil Walter Owens and was raised in Plankinton, a small town just north of I-90 in South Dakota. His life started with him being a loyal Catholic, but he strayed away from the word of God when entering high school and hanging out with the wrong crowd. Then, he started hanging out with a bad crowd, drinking, experimenting with drugs, and touching himself in non-Christian ways. Luckily, he kept up with his school work and attended Middle Tennessee State, using academic scholarships to help him pay for it. It was in college that he truly found the lord again. He knew that he could not just believe in the lord, for that would not be enough after his excessive ventures into sin, he had to spread the word of the Lord. He started an FAC group for people who didn’t want to go to the bars, but wanted to pray instead. In just two months, he was able to triple its membership, from three to nine people. Unfortunately, membership leveled off there and was never quite able to get up to its double-digit goal.

Neil was worried that his efforts were not enough, and he stayed up late at nights thinking of ways that he could best serve his Lord. Exposure would be the key to him fulfilling his aspirations as a good Catholic. Late one night as he laid in bed watching the television, he flipped on Black Entertainment Television and saw the video for the song “Jesus is the Real O.G.” by Artery Snatch. Neil had always thought that rap music was music for the devil, in the way that they talked about shooting people and keeping their “gangsta” reputation. He knew that this was not the way of the lord. Artery Snatch finally was bringing the right idea to the rap business by using his words to get across the message that Jesus is the man. Unfortunately, Mr. Snatch also had lyrics like, “Jesus could pop 40 niggas before they got their hands on their gats, after that, he’d take their bitches and add them to his stats,” and also “Jesus banged hella hoes but knew how to keep their mouths shut, he was a true playa that never touched the butt.” Neil was disappointed that Mr. Snatch had misinterpreted the bible in this way, and knew that he had to set this world straight about Christ, and rap was the one way that he could do it.

The man that brought him here, Pope Innocent XV, was now his coach because he was the one with the most on the line in this tournament from the world of Catholicism so Joss always valued his opinion.

“Coach, do you have any advice for me when I get out there?” Joss asked.

“Live by the word of our Lord,” the Pope answered.

“Yeah, I know that and all, but anything specific that I might want to focus on?”

“Let Jesus guide you.”

“Uh, all right, thanks coach,” a rather confused Joss answered to him. He prepared by thinking about all the problems with Scientology, and how he couldn’t let them win. Before he knew it, he was on stage, and the scientologist representative, Stephen H. Cruise, better known by his rap name of Maverick would soon be lyrically assaulting Catholicism. He couldn’t believe all the people, hundreds of thousands were able to go to this to see one religion crowned as the true belief system of the world. The bright lights were nearly blinding, but it didn’t matter, he didn’t need to see the crowd, all he had to do was keep his head on straight and keep his flow tight. The smell of marijuana smoke was overwhelming, and although Joss wanted to tell the crowd the evils of recreational drugs, he knew that he needed the crowd to feel him so that he could best represent for Jesus. He won the coin toss and elected to go second, Maverick quickly went into his rhymes.

“Yo, yo, yo yo, yo yo, Jesus ain’t cool, I think he blow. I believe in spirit, body, and mind, in your religion, it’s the blind leading the blind. DAMN, that ain’t kind, but my leader is one of a kind. Your religion tries to promote itself with a bunch of politics, but if you come at me, I’ll scuff your kicks. My dad starred in movies, my mother was Dawson’s ho, my religion’s got hella dough. OH! Yeah, I said it, whatcha gonna do, spit at me, I’ll give you the Arabian flu. Look at you, wearing that stupid cross ‘round yo neck, you better pray, because your religion is getting straight wrecked. Here we are, near the end of November, the scientology garbage men could use a new member. OH SHIT! Playa, after my rhymes, you’re asking yourself how, save yourself time and embarrassment, please leave now.”

And with that, the crowd erupted in cheers for Maverick. Joss knew that he had brought it, but knew that everything he spit could easily have a counter. He heard the beat come on, and thinking stopped for him, he got in the zone and started putting it down. “You think you’re big, you think you’re bad, but compared to us, scientology’s a fad. You got some big time celebrities, whoopty doo, your mom is hot, so just like Dawson, I’d fuck her too. You’re so stupid you rhymed kind with kind, did somebody put your brain through a coffee grind? At least in my religion, I have a true God, while in yours you take the word of a blatant fraud. Keep talkin’ shit, I’ll keep bringing it to ya, that crap might work in Europe, but this is America. I heard all your guys are fans of packing fudge, you shouldn’t have worn white underwear, because everyone can see that shit smudge. Your religion is so lame, you probably play with pogs, I’d say something about your women, but I don’t judge hogs.

And with that, the lyrical battle was over and the crowd erupted in cheers. The three judges voted unanimously for Joss to move on; he was two wins away from being a legend in the world of Catholicism. After the match, he wanted to talk to his coach, but ran into one of the other competitors first.

“Nice job, that was almost as good as a Jedi,” said Luke Rhymespitter, representative of the Jedi Census Phenomenon.

“Thanks, and good luck with your match against Co-Sure, he’s one tough Jew.”

“I need no luck, the force is strong with me.”

With that, Joss quickly walked away hoping to avoid any more conversing with Luke. He wandered around for about half an hour and found out that Co-Sure beat Luke Rhymespitter. Finally he ran into the Pope and asked about his performance.

“Just remember, follow the word of our savior, the Lord Jesus Christ,” Innocent replied.

“Yeah, you got any specific tips when I take on Co-Sure? I heard he was pretty tough when he beat up on Rhymespitter.”

“Let the word of the Lord guide you.”

“All right, thanks coach.” With that, he walked away to get some water to help his throat. He couldn’t help but think back on his days in college. He spent hours every night practicing rhymes, writing stuff down, preparing for nothing in particular, but he believed in the proverb of, “Preparing is the best way to be ready.” Then, his big chance finally came when Middle Tennessee State would hold a rap battle open to all current students with the first prize being a $10 gift certificate to Dollar General, but that meant nothing to him, exposure is what he needed to spread the word of the Lord. He expected the competition to be fierce, but was pleasantly surprised to find out that only two other people had signed up. He put them in a lyrical fog as he proclaimed, “Jesus is on my side, I say to hell with gay pride.” The exposure was much greater than he could have imagined, for he quickly got signed to a record deal by Grumpy Munchkin records. The name Neil Walter Owens was not the rap name that would take him to the top, and that is when he changed it to Joss Reckus. He quickly dominated the record charts with his first two albums, but felt unsatisfied. That all changed when a man came to him with an opportunity to truly change the world.

That opportunity brought him here, to the rap battle to settle it all in the world of religious beliefs. Here, in the final eight, he would have to first beat the representative from Scientology. He sat there contemplating everything, looking down to his WWJD wristband for help in all of this. Then looking at his platinum cross that he wore everywhere to show how true he was to representing for all Catholics. He thought about how the Jews were behind the death of Jesus, and this was the moment that he could finally extract revenge on them for killing his Savior. A man came up to him and told him that he had five minutes to get on stage. He got on stage again, this time, he didn’t notice the crowd, he didn’t notice the smell, and he was unfazed by the lighting. He was in a trance and knew that Co-Sure was going to be in a world of hurt. Again, Joss won the coin toss, and Co-Sure was ready to bring it.


And that's all for today, but I'll be back with the exciting conclusion tomorrow. Again, all feedback is appreciated.


P.S. Speaking of religious raps, I would hope that we could all enjoy a nice Christian Side Hug to maintain our purity.

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