Thursday, July 29, 2010

Old School Writings: Religion Rap Battle Part 2

Alright, the exciting conclusion of Religion Rap Battle is coming up. Just as a reminder, we left off with the rapper representing the Jews, Co-Sure, ready to do battle with the fellow representing Catholicism, Joss Reckus. I highly recommend reading this so you can know which religion truly is the best.

“Catholics keep saying the same things, blaming my people for this and that, but if you try to touch my money, I’ll come at you with a baseball bat. Try to come at me now, I ain’t scurd, my rhymes will trample you like a buffalo herd. You got the big three with Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, I heard you couldn’t afford anal beads so you had to use a rosary. Lets remind everyone that Seinfeld and Einstein were both great Jews, do you really want a religion where priests taking alter boys to private pews? What’s that? Your anus is hurtin’? Did a priest take you behind that curtain? Nah, nah, you’re a little old for that, must have put a hamster up there since you couldn’t fit the cat. My rhymes are dominant, do I really need to say any more, the only way your story has a happy ending is if you can afford the film Pussy Galore.”

The crowd erupted in cheers, but Joss completely phased out the noise and just listened to the beat that came on for him. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now look at you, looking dumb and helpless like a disobedient dog, your mind can’t even fathom this lyrical fog. Catholics don’t back down, we persevere, if you want to see a douche bag, go look in the mirror. In this rap battle, I’m killing you with all these rhymes, you killed my lord, I know this because I saw the Passion twelve times. Hang my God on a cross, he comes back three days later, I heard something about you, you’re a chronic masturbator. Come on Co-Sure, everybody knows you look like a rat, when you give out the bread, remember to ask if they’d like wine with that. Look at you, is that a tear in your eye? I think I’ll call you NSYNC, because you’re going bye, bye, bye. I think you’ve gone through enough, so go to the pool and take a dip, don’t wait up for me, I’ll be in the championship.”

With that, the crowd erupted into the loudest cheers of the day. The judges deliberated for a couple seconds and again unanimously chose Joss as the winner, Co-Sure had been eliminated and Judaism was not going to be the chosen religion. Joss again went to the Pope to talk about strategy for his last match.

“So, I’m going up against Kaballah in the finals?

“Wait, you didn’t hear?” the Pope questioned.

“Hear about what?”

“Kaballah lost its semifinal match, you don’t have to worry about them…

“Wait, you mean…”

“Yes, that upstart religion that neither of us thought had a shot is in the finals.”

“All right, that doesn’t matter, Catholicism will trump all and finally have its place as the world’s only religion.” Joss continued, “No more wars over varying beliefs, separation of church and state can end, the world will be a better place and my rhymes representing Catholicism will be the reason. I would ask for advice, but I feel supremely confident in my abilities, this guy has no shot.”

“Now just remember…”

“Yeah, I know, follow the word of the Lord. I got it,” Joss arrogantly stated while walking away. His opponent would be a young lyricist by the name of The Disciple. He didn’t know much about him, and didn’t really care much either, this was his tournament to win.

He went to the stage just like he had every time before, with full intention of winning. Once he got on stage, he never considered the implications of this final match, he was zoned in and ready to rhyme. Announcer Mark Buffer took over, “Ladies and gentleman, we have finally reached the Finals of the Religion Rap Battle Tournament. To my left, from Plankinton, South Dakota, representing CATHOLICISM, JOSS RECKUS!” The crowd exploded with cheers as his name was said and he couldn’t help but smirk a little from the applause. “And to my right, from Venice Beach, California, representing the Church of HULKAMANIA, THE DISCIPLE!” The crowd erupted in equal cheers and the smirk quickly went away from Joss’s face, because he knew it was game time.

For the first time in the tournament, Joss lost a coin toss and would be forced to go first. It didn’t matter in his opinion, nobody could touch his rhymes. As he heard the thumping of the beats, he nodded his head to the music, and then he went into his rhymes.

“Preaching your word leads to people saying L-O-L, J-K, and see-ya, here’s some advice, go drink a bucket of diarrhea. There’s something off about you and your beliefs, maybe you’ve been smoking the peace pipe with the Indian Chiefs. Hulk Hogan as a God? Please tell me this is a joke, at Wrestlemania Six, it was clear that he choked. Miss Elizabeth was a ho and Hulk didn’t fuck her, I don’t know about you, but to me, sounds like he might be a dick sucker. I can’t believe you’re walking around gap toothed and pale, you’re so ugly that when you smile it looks like your tongue’s in jail. Lying about Hulkamania being the way to be, but we all know steroids give you a small weenie. Don’t waste your time trying to come up with a good rap, because I can guarantee everything you say will be absolute crap. In the Church of Hulkamania, they have fear of the snatch, give up right now and concede this match.”

Again, Joss’s rap was met with huge applause and he proudly handed the microphone over to Disciple, confident that Catholicism would prevail no matter what Disciple did.

Still, The Disciple seemed unfazed by Joss’s rap. He confidently took the mic and went into his rhymes. “If there’s a big time disaster, like a bomb about to fall, don’t worry bout runnin’ Hulkamania will protect us all. The three rules of Hulkamania, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and train, you’ve got to stay in good shape with your body and your brain. Like Hulk says, ‘Always go swimming with a buddy, work real hard and always study.’ I’m a Hulkamaniac because I love to have fun with my family and friends, I stop stressing out and hope the fun never ends. Hulk slammed a giant at Wrestlemania Three, ninety-thousand people cheered with glee. Hulk Hogan’s my savior, that’s all you need to know, when times are their toughest, the Hulk’s always ready to go. Can you feel the music, can you feel the beat? Drugs are bad, but Hulkamania is neat. Whether you like your sauce hot, medium, or mild, it doesn’t matter, because Hulkamania is runnin’ wild.”

Joss couldn’t help but laugh as Disciple finished his rap, but his laugh quickly turned into a frown as the crowd roared with applause. People dug the wholesomeness of his message, but he knew it would come down to the judges.

Announcer Mark Buffer again took the microphone to announce who the winner would be. “Ladies and gentleman, the judges have reached a decision in the finals of the Religion Rap Battle. Winner by unanimous decision,” as the announcer said this, Joss felt supremely confident that he had won yet again and Catholicism was finally the official religion of the world. Buffer continued, “and NEW religion of the world…HULKAMANIA!” With that, Joss’s heart sank into his stomach, he had been beaten by a guy who said nothing but corny things while he rapped.
As the crowd went to pure insanity celebrating the first-time there was only one religion in the world, Joss quickly walked to find the Pope. “How could that happen?” Joss asked the Pope.

“You failed to follow the word of the Lord.”

“Yeah, but now Jesus isn’t my Lord anymore, Hulk Hogan is.”

“You failed to think it through, Hulk Hogan has always been our lord.”

“What?” Joss asked. “How can you say that?”

“Hulkamania instilled the right type of values in their followers, where Catholicism put so much pressure on you that you started cursing and trying to tear down other religions instead of building up your own. Hulkamania is everything Catholicism wishes it could be, and now that wish will come true.”

Joss knew he was right. Catholicism wasn’t anywhere near the religion that Hulkamania was. Throughout the years, Catholics had killed millions of people defending their beliefs, Hulkamania had never killed anyone. Everything was so uptight in Catholicism, while Hulk Hogan would play air guitar with a giant pink boa, Jesus’ most wild moment was taking off his sandals to get his feet washed. He liked the fact that Jesus was able to turn water into wine, but it was true that Hulk had slammed a man that was over five-hundred pounds, Jesus was way too small to ever pull anything like that off. After realizing these things, he went to congratulate The Disciple.

“Hey, I just wanted to say that you did an awesome job out there, and you definitely deserved to win.”

“Well, thank you, you were an awesome competitor. I hope you handle the adjustment of changing religions all right.”

“You know, I don’t think it will be a problem. I used to bleed blood red, but now I bleed the red and yellow of Hulkamania.” With that, Joss removed his white WWJD t-shirt to show his new colors, a yellow shirt with red lettering that read “Hulkamania Lives Forever.”

************

And that is the exciting conclusion of this story. Not only do I hope that it was an enjoyable read, I hope it makes you search deeper into your own religious beliefs so you can make the right decision on which religion to follow.

-Joe

P.S. Don't call Hulk Hogan names, you'll just make yourself look like an asshole.

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