Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Quintessential Guide to Seducing Women - The Dance Floor

As you can tell by the title, I have finally decided to share my groundbreaking pickup techniques so my readers will finally be able to join me in "scoring at midnight." These techniques have a proven track record of success, and I must warn any single guys out there that using these techniques will make many ladies yearn to be your steady girlfriend.

Today, we go over a world that destroys the game of many men, the dance floor. This is obviously where my expertise is at its highest, due to the fact that I am an awesome dancer who frequently revolutionizes what club dancing is all about. Even though you'll never be as good as me, I can give you quite a few pointers to help you take steps in the right direction. First off, let's go over a couple of things you should never do on the dance floor:

1. Never start a conversation - If you're going to the dance floor, you need to commit to it which means leaving your words at the bar.

2. Never be sober - It's never a good idea to be sober, because you need to take chances that sober you would never do. It's a good idea to be able to look back at the night and say, "Wow, I can't believe I did that last night. I am such a scumbag." Whiskey is an excellent helper in this quest.

So now that you aren't striking up a conversation on religion and you're good and drunk, it's time to go over what you need to do when you get on that dance floor. There are three words that must be in your head at all times, West. Coast. Dance. West Coast Dance is something that started in Iowa and spread all the way from San Diego to Miami. Everything I learned about dancing, I learned from West Coast Dance. Now any guy can grind on a girl's backside and consider themselves a dancer, but they are no dancer and girls aren't going to be seduced by that weak shit. In fact, everything you think you know about dancing is probably wrong, so you need to take a deep breath and unlearn everything and follow a few basic principles of West Coast Dance:

1. Party Hard - We went over this briefly when I spoke of Whiskey, but I need to reiterate that you need to party incredibly hard for this to work. All inhibitions must be left with your sobriety. It is best to get so drunk that you do not need a drink while on the dance floor. You're going to need both of you hands for a lot of things, and you don't want to the dickfor throwing whiskey all over everybody as you violently gesticulate.

2. Props Are Encouraged - Now I'm not talking about the lame stuff like glow sticks, because anybody can do that. I have never brought a prop to the bar, but that doesn't mean that I don't often use them. Just this past weekend, the bar we were at left their broom and long-handled dustpan out on the dance floor. Why was this left out on the dance floor? These are the types of questions I don't ask when I am out there. I grabbed the dustpan and started sweeping it all over the place. I put it right in between a group of girls and used it as bait before reeling them in. They fell for it hook, line, and sinker, and I instantly became the life of the party.

But this does not mean you need to search for somebody to leave props behind to have a great time. You can create your own props. This can be absolutely anything that you can think of. This past weekend, I did the classic maneuver where I took my two hands and turned them into a bird. That bird flew all over the dance floor, and the ladies were mesmerized by it. Air instruments work great as well. Obviously, you can't bring a real grand piano into the club, but you can sit down indian-style on the dance floor and rock to whatever tune the bar is playing. You can even turn the female into a prop. I have seen a lady straddle a West Coast Dancer, so he let her upper body drape down and used her hair as a mop. It's all classic.

3. Women Come Second, Fun Comes First - This is the most critical of all of the facets of West Coast Dance. The second that you put the ladies first is the second that your dancing falls apart. West Coast Dance is all about having a great time, and the ladies feed off of that. I have come ridiculously close to punching or elbowing girls in the face while doing karate moves on the dance floor. Sure, some were scared, but others were impressed (Note: If you are just a beginner at West Coast Dance, please do not try karate moves. It takes incredible precision and accuracy and is extremely difficult when you already have a tremendous amount of whiskey in your system). Here's the thing, if you're the pathetic loser who is trying to ass grind girls as your go-to maneuver, you're going home alone. But if you happen to be sweeping the dance floor with a newfound dustpan, or rockin' out on your air guitar and you "accidentally" bump into them, women will see that you're having a great time and want to be a part of what is going on.

And this is the beauty of West Coast Dance. You can never get turned down by a lady, because the woman becomes secondary to you tearing up the dance floor like it's never been torn up before. Plus, women love great dancers so it'll be rare for a girl to be dumb enough to not give you a shot.

So I encourage my readers to go out this weekend and give these moves a try, I promise you won't be disappointed. And if you play your cards right, neither will she.

-Joe

P.S. To learn more about West Coast Dance, you can visit the official website here, or by searching West Coast Dance on Facebook. Also, here is the first known photograph of West Coast Dance being performed:

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