Sunday is my day of rest. Hence, I decided to enjoy a nice relaxing day where I let this body of stainless steel and sex appeal take a break while I read interesting things on the internet. Unfortunately, nobody writes anything interesting on Sundays, so I decided to hit up Twitter. Instead of reading the stuff that people I follow were writing, I decided to take a look at the column on the right side and check out the trending topics.
When I scrolled down the list, I knew I had a winner when I came across #YeahYouSexyBut. If I had a nickel for every time I proclaimed, "Yeah, you sexy, but..." I would actually have less money than I currently have. But I am a man of the people, so I decided to see what people were talking about. Here is the best of the best (my comments are in bold and italics):
iSpySky #YeahYouSexyBut when you raise your arms, your B.O can K.O someone. Please, invest in some deodorant.
I wonder if this person wants them to buy deodorant or buy stock in deodorant companies. Really, iSpySky should invest in buying deodorant and trying to sell it to this sexy person who needs it so badly. She could probably make a profit.
turtledemigod #yeahyousexybut you ain't no wolfpack ':)
I'm a traditionalist, so I don't consider anybody outside of Kevin Nash and Scott Hall part of the Wolfpack.
saybee_luhve #yeahyousexybut ya pockets thinnnnn. i dont mind paying sometimes. but everytimeeee? naaah bruh
This was actually how saybee_luhve decided to break up with me. To be fair to her, my pockets are quite thin.
xoxonisey #yeahyousexybut you need to scope out some mint for your breath.
There were hundreds of bad breath jokes, I decided just to go with one, because breath jokes were an underground world that I had no clue about until the show "Yo Mamma." Ah, who am I kidding? One more breath joke:
Melyssa_MODELO #YeahYouSexyBut why you got butter yellow teef; & Your Breath got a kick harder than Jackie Chan!
I only included this one, because it spelled teeth, "teef." Also, I feel somebody else should replace Jackie Chan as a hard kicker. Obviously, as a quarter Croat, my vote is for Mirko Cro Cop.
turtledemigod #YeahYouSexyBut You are dumber than a retarded squirrel...with RABIES.
Because the rabies make the retarded squirrel extra dumb. I really want to ending all of my insults with "with RABIES." You're such a tool...with RABIES! It really adds a whole new dimension to the insult. I can't think of a situation where "with RABIES" doesn't double the impact of the insult.
iDEVOUR_Nae #YeahYouSexyBut u still gotta buy yo own movie ticket... u aint my wife hoe!
I agree with him, but I'm not sure if he's calling her a hoe, and telling that hoe that she's not his wife or if wife hoe is a new term that I should be using on the ladies. I really like the term wife hoe.
getsummafia1017 #YeahYouSexyBut putting this paperbag over your face will make you a #10
I'm probably the only person who reads this and sees a philosophical debate. Personally, I feel that there is no way that a girl could be a ten if she has a paper bag over her face. Now this guy might have a fetish for girls who look like you can put groceries in their face. I don't. Now the debate becomes, what can a girl with a paperbag over her face top out at? My gut reaction was a 7, but that still seems a little high after further thought. I'm debating between a six and seven, but feel free to give me your thoughts on this issue.
Da_FlyMalcolmX #YeahYouSexyBut you just ate all the gotdamn Red Lobster biscuits..you couldn't save me any?!
This was definitely my favorite one as me and this guy are on the same wave length. If Jessica Alba decided to eat all the Red Lobster biscuits, it would certainly be a deal breaker. I also love the term "gotdamn" because it shows that he's too classy to use the lord's name in vein. So all the ladies out there that read this blog and see me as the quintessential male, take note, don't eat all the gotdamn Red Lobster biscuits.
Love_Livi Lmmfao! Boldest shit ever in life! Smh. Lol RT @U_Follow_Me_1st: #yeahyousexybut you b on some stuckup shit, I hope you marry a DOG!
There's a lot to dissect here. Let's first go over the original tweet. Apparently this sexy person is pretty stuckup, so he wants her to marry a dog. Excuse me, a DOG! Usually I would have passed on from that, because it's really quite stupid and not very clever. What got my attention is that someone decided to retweet this to their followers so everyone could see that this was "Boldest shit ever in life!" I have spent way too much time thinking about this, and I cannot figure out how that is "boldest shit in life." I do know that I am a bold person though, so I figure I should probably start being the boldest shit in life and start telling girls to marry dogs. Also, Smh=Shaking my head, thanks Urban Dictionary.
AE_wearinAZZ #YeahYouSexyBut you dont have a twitter!?
I think this is a deal breaker for any self-respecting person. Sure you can be a thoroughbred dimepiece, but if you don't have a Twitter, your sexiness will not be enough for a relationship with me.
P.S. If you have yet to see the movie, The Goods, please don't. It is awful, I mean, really, just an abomination of a film. Ed Helms is the only thing that keeps it out of my five worst films ever made, but it's still probably in the top ten. If you have already seen it, I'm sorry, and if you actually liked it, I've got bad news for you, you're a complete moron.