Thursday, August 19, 2010

Be A Fan, But Don't Blow

Being a fan is fun. People who don't understand that are assholes. They look down on fans, because they get emotional and maybe even a little unreasonable when it comes to their favorite teams. But that's what makes sports fun. If I didn't get down on Hawkeye football when they had to block two field goals in the final seconds to beat UNI, then it wouldn't have been nearly as awesome when this happened:

Or this.

The first one, I remember jumping around like a mad man, and the second one still gives me chills. This is what makes sports fun. That and getting ridiculously wasted while watching your favorite team.

Am I a perfect fan? No, I am not. I have turned my back on the Cubs for two years before finally relenting and embracing them as my team again this year. I was pushed to my limits by that team when every time I picked a favorite player, they traded them away. Glenallen Hill, Juan Cruz, Jason DuBois, and finally Michael Wuertz, it was just too much for me. Still, no matter how hard I tried, I could never pick a different favorite team, I just kept finding flaws with them, because deep down, I knew that if I was going to suffer, I wanted it to be with the Cubs. It is tough for me to expose my flaws like this, but I need to be honest with my readers, and I need to be honest with myself. I've made mistakes, but I'm certainly not as bad as others.

Sure there are those assholes who sit on Mt. Pious and look down on sports fans, but their only problem is that they don't get it. At least they realize that. There are others who don't get it, but don't understand that they don't get it. I'm sure you've seen them around, probably wearing a Red Sox or Yankees cap. Right after the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, Red Sox hats multiplied by about 100 in Iowa City. Iowa City, hotbed of Red Sox Nation, but not really, just a hotbed of fair weather assholes. In the month after the World Series, my buddy KFol walked up to anybody wearing a Red Sox cap and had this exchange:
KFol: Hey man, awesome Red Sox hat.
Dude: Thanks man.
KFol: Yeah, I saw you buying that at Hat World last week.
Dude: (Stunned silence, thinking that maybe KFol had seen him buying the hat)

It never stopped being awesome.

Still, as bad as those fair weather fans are, there is actually a brand new hybrid that I didn't know existed until working out in Seattle. There are people who do the absolute unthinkable and like rival colleges for different sports. I worked with a person who somehow claimed not to be a fair weather fan, but liked USC Football and UCLA Basketball. I believe he was a Yankees fan too, he probably likes Spain or Netherlands for soccer (I honestly can't remember who won the World Cup, whoops), and he's probably a die-hard Saints fan. That would be like me saying that I like Iowa for wrestling and football, and I like Iowa State for...um, Agriculture? Maybe that's not the best example, but you get the point. Not even picking and choosing colleges, but picking sports from colleges that are direct rivals. Where does it stop? These are the type of people that like Canada's hockey and USA's Basketball. Iraq's desert and Florida's beaches. German's cars and Jew's movies. No civilized person would do this, it could only come from low-life mouth breathers.

Hey, maybe McCaffery's Mack Daddies and Bluder's Bitches aren't the top teams in the nation, but I'm certainly not going to switch my basketball allegiances to any rival of my beloved Hawkeyes. This is an unforgivable sin in the world of fandom, and I believe it should be punished by death, well, probably not death, but certainly extreme ridicule.

So be a fan, and get depressed when your team loses, and get way WAY too happy when your team wins, not because it's important, but because it's fun. Just don't be a fair weather douchebag, because you will be seen as a pariah in society and shunned for your extreme gayness (not in the homosexual way, but in the bad at sports way).

-Joe

P.S. Sorry about not writing much lately, I really thought the Apocalypse might be coming when Jose Canseco did this in his first at bat in his return to baseball.

The first pitch, it looked like the pitcher rolled the ball to the plate out of fear. The second pitch fooled Canseco, or did it? I think Jose was just playing opossum. And then he crushes the third pitch out of the park. Not only that, but it looked pretty clear that he still has that 40-40 speed while rounding the bases. And if you haven't been following, he's already hit his second homer. If a team signs him and Mark Prior, I will immediately turn my back on the Cubs and have a new favorite team.

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