Monday, August 2, 2010

Jersey Shore Recap

So Jersey Shore premiered last Thursday, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be. I still want to give a rundown on what went down and how it will affect our world.

To start off, we're only two minutes in, and Pauly D is already bringing it. He informs us that in the snowy winters, you cannot get a tan, which I figured, but he also tells us that you can’t even creep in this weather. Yo, I gots to creep.

Holy shit, Snooki has a boyfriend name Emilio. I really wish it was Rogelio, that was my little when I was a Big in Big Brothers Big Sisters.

I’m not gonna lie, seeing The Situation and Pauly D back on TV makes me happy. Their methods of Beating Up The Beat make them true West Coast Dancers.

We have Vinny, who is really the easiest to like on the show for everyone, but he is completely non-consequential. I could die my hair black and easily replace him. For fuck’s sake, he doesn’t even tan.

Something I am sure that I was one of the few people to notice, how about one of Vinny’s uncles trying to get facetime by screaming about how much he loved him as he drove away?
Clearly he is hoping he can snag some 50 year old piece of trash with that cameo on MTV.

Angelina claimed that Situation and Pauly D were going to Miami, so she decided she was going to Miami. That’s such a blatant lie. That’d be like me hearing LeBron decided to move to Miami, so I will also move to Miami. It shouldn’t be a problem, because I already know somebody down there.

So MTV clearly gave everyone the opportunity to drive down to Miami. They gave Pauly D and Snooki vehicles for their drive, but come on MTV, show some class. They have to drive all the way down to Miami, and you won’t get them a Hybrid or an Electric Car. Think about the environment. I immediately like everyone who flew to Miami less which isn't hard, because it's all the lame characters. Also, watching The Situation and Pauly D was far more entertaining than watching Snooki and J-Woww. If I were a girl, I would really be pissed at God for making me weaker and far less entertaining than males. Luckily, I am of the stronger and more entertaining sex.

Things I would never do if on an MTV show, share a room with a broad. Things a broad would never do if on an MTV show, share a room with me. It works out well for both parties. If she tried, I’d just fart her out.

If you see this sign anywhere you go, it immediately means this person is a douchebag.
It’s not a clever sign, and I don’t fault MTV for having it, because it entertains their masses, but douchebags will get this sign, and if you see it, run for your life, you might be iced soon.

I did enjoy Pauly D talking to the cab company and reserving the cabs under Pauly D, also known as DJ Pauly D, I think I could say Joe, also known as Hott Joe.

Ronnie called Sammi the C-Word; that word will always make me laugh.

Grenades=larger ugly chicks, landmines=skinny ugly chicks. Good to know, although I do feel it should be the other way around. Landmines are stuck in the ground, like fat people, while you can throw grenades, and you certainly aren't going to be able to throw a fatty.

But the end of the episode ultimately showed what will ruin this show.
Have I gotten up on stages when I shouldn’t have? Every chance I get. But I am immediately kicked off, because I’m a regular guy. The cast of Jersey Shore's celebrity status is what makes this show far less captivating. Celebrities can get hot chicks with no game, regular guys can’t. Jersey Shore is a lot like Entourage, the struggle is what makes the show actually good (Hence, Entourage is terrible these days). With no struggle, it’s really a boring show, and although the first episode wasn’t bad, I really don’t think there’s much to look forward to.

I’ll still be watching religiously.

-Joe

P.S. I am seriously thinking about getting me a pair of K-Swiss Tubes, because Kenny Powers endorses them. Nice job, K-Swiss. Also, this video is awesome in every way.

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