I decided to hit up a few sporting events recently, first going to the Isotopes last home game and then going to the New Mexico Lobos opening football game. Here is what I observed from my experiences.
Things started out great as I got my $6 Berm ticket, and then was given a free Dr. Pepper cup as I walked in the stadium. Poor people love free stuff, so this was quite a coup for me.
Part of the reason that I went to the Isotopes game was because I wanted to see superstar baseball players and the I-Cubs were in town. For most people, this would mean very little, but since I still love Jason Dubois, I was very excited. On top of that, former Cubs savior, Bobby Scales was playing. I remember idiot Cubs fans thinking he was going to be a star for the Cubs, because that's what usually happens to 30 year old career minor leaguers. Oh wait, it doesn't? Yeah, I guess that makes more sense. The most pleasant surprise was that Rafael Furcal was on a rehab assignment for Albuquerque. I had no idea he was injured since he isn't on my fantasy team, but I probably could have guessed it. Two out of three of the stars performed. Furcal hit a line drive homer out to left, but Dubois stole the show with the longest triple in baseball history. Albuquerque's center field goes out to a point in center field that I think is like 434, and they have a hill like in Houston so the wall sits on top of the hill. Dubois crushed one and hit the top of the wall for an easy triple. If he was in the majors, we'd actually have a triple crown winner. Bobby Scales didn't do shit.
If you've ever been to a sporting event and seen Myron Noodleman, I feel sorry for you.
He is awful. Nothing he does is entertaining, he depends on players dancing for his cheers. He's just really brutal, and his gimmick is tired. If you see that he is set to perform at a sporting event, avoid that event. Zooperstars are way better.
People love Tapout shirts. Nearly every person who has one is just a meathead who is trying to pretend he's a real fighter. Ryen Russillo brought up a good point when he said that the reason boxing is better than MMA is at least boxing didn't bring these awful looking t-shirts into our lives. It's really the last argument boxing has, but I really can't refute it.
This last thing from the game is the most depressing. Children dress better than I do. Their threads are much flyer than mine. I'm not even sure if fly is still a good way to describe things. They've got these fancy designs on their t-shirts, or they're wearing nice polos, but either way, they dress much better than I do. Now the issue here is not that I dress poorly, because I have no intentions of changing that, comfort over style baby. The problem is that children should dress shitty. Their kids, they don't need fly threads. Get them old wrestling t-shirts from Goodwill and they'll be fine.
Onto the Lobos:
Things started off great again for me, as I got this Lobos jersey sponsored by a casino. If you see a badass walking around in a number 066 Lobos jersey, it might just be me.
Their in-game entertainment was amazing. They honored people during the first five timeouts of the game. Overall, like 60 people were honored, but unfortunately, their videoboard game stole the show. We all know and love the hidden ball videoboard games where you try to guess where the ball ends up. At New Mexico, they hid the ball in helmets, and started up the video of all the helmets moving around. There was one minor problem at first. They were apparently running Windows 98 on a dial-up connection, because the video would pause and resume and pause and resume. This wasn't a huge deal until it finally had a glitch and completely skipped forward where all of the helmets were in very different places. I still guessed right on where the ball was, because I'm a winner. This shit does not happen in the Big Ten. I can't imagine Iowa fans not being able to raise a burrito as they pump it up.
I saw a ball fumbled forward, picked up by the offense and taken into the end zone. I didn't think that was legal, and I don't think New Mexico did either, because they pulled off the fastest PAT in the history of football. Good for them.
New Mexico's tight end, lined up five yards offsides for one of their plays. That's not an exaggeration, that is a literal statement. He lined up behind the defensive line so he was in front of the row of linebackers, took his stance, then finally realized his mistake and hustled back to the real line of scrimmage before the ball was snapped. This tight end was also New Mexico's best player.
They had parachuters during halftime. Who doesn't love parachuters? Well, me, actually. I thoroughly enjoy watching them, but I can't help but wish for something bad to happen. I don't want their chute to not work and watch them go splat, but seeing them get caught on lights or something would be pretty awesome for a good chuckle.
I saw Iowa coaching legend, Steve Alford, at the game. I decided to text a few buddies to see what I should yell at him. Their responses were:
Gotta go with the hair
Your hair is perfect
For some reason, I feel like most Iowa fans may want to yell other things at him. But you do not speak ill of Alford down here, for he is a God. It's awesome; I fit right in. We believe in Steve.
P.S. This is the unofficial Charles Bukowski week for the UW blog, so here's another quote about writing from a man who is an absolute genius:
"Most poets, coets, hoets, carrots, can't even write a simple line like "the dog walked down the street." Nothing should ever be done that should be done. It has to come out...like a good hot beer shit. A good hot beer shit is glorious. You get up, you turn around, you look at it, you're proud, the fumes, the stink of the turds, you say, 'God I did it, I'm good.' Then you flush it away, and there's a sense of sadness and just the water is there. It's like writing a good poem, you just do it. It's a beer shit. There's nothing to analyze, there's nothing to say, it's just done. Got it?"
P.P.S. There is a 100% chance that I am going to be busting out some of these moves in Tucson this week, especially the part from 0:43-0:47.