Monday, September 20, 2010

Men: Be Terrified

This article is made to scare the shit out of men. Why? Because I found out about this, and now I'm scared as shit. If you stop reading right now, you will probably live a happier life. But if you stop reading now, there is a chance that something awful and life-changing could happen to you, because you were not aware that you needed to fear what I am about to explain. Choose wisely.

Here is what I need to tell you about: Rape-aXe. First let's skip past the fact that this would be an awesome name for my first son, because nobody in their right mind would ever mess with Rape-aXe. Chances of a child named Rape-aXe becoming a real-life Rambo is somewhere between 100-3500%. It's a foregone conclusion.

Okay, back to real Rape-aXe. In theory, Rape-aXe is a good thing. It is something a woman can purchase to prevent a rape. I have absolutely no problem with this invention in theory. Let's slowly go over this invention. Here is what Rape-aXe looks like:
It basically works like a female condom, where a lady worried about rape sticks this up her yoohoo (I plan on using a different synonym for vagina every time I refer to one). When you first glance at this, it looks weird, but not terrifying. That will all change when you look at the inside of this pussy protector.
As Sally Nevergetslaid (not her real name) demonstrates, there are basically little razors that align the inside of the Rape-aXe.

I know what most of you are thinking (at least I hope you are thinking this). "Joe, why should I care? It's not like I plan on raping a girl's tunnel of love, so I don't need to be worried about Rape-aXe." Hey, I'm happy your mind works this way. Unfortunately mine doesn't. I, like you, think rape is about the worst thing that a person can do to another person. But there is a scenario that greatly worries me.

Say you have previous experiences with a lady and her dick mitten. This could be through a past relationship, or it could possibly just be a girl that you have entered her cock socket a couple times. I don't think this is unique to me, but after hooking up with a girl, you can usually hook up with her again. Say both of you are out at a bar, you see each other, and neither is attached, there is a good chance that you may be allowed to enter her snake lake later that evening. She gets hers, you get yours, and everybody's happy (and by everybody, I mean the man is happy, and possibly her).

This is where I get worried. After I get done with my business inside the bikini biscuit, I can sometimes be an asshole. Now, I'm never outwardly mean, that's just not my style. But I know that Hott Joe, at 26 years old, is still not ready for a serious relationship. Hence, if the girl is interested in that, I cut off all communication with said girl. She usually catches on pretty quick, and things are fine (for me at least, I have no clue how the girl feels). I'm not a total asshole, it's not like this is true in all cases. If a girl is cool and not interested in a relationship, I can be totally cool with her, but the second that she starts to get clingy, she gets the silent treatment. It's what works for me.

Now it's time for the hypothetical situation: Say I see a former flame out, I stopped talking with her, but I've already got a bit of liquid courage in me, so I decide to start up a conversation just to see where things might take us. I (half-heartedly) apologize for being a dick, and she actually accepts the apology. She's not nearly as drunk as I am, but she's being really cool about everything, so I don't mind. She invites me back to her place, fuck yeah, I'm about to plow through her saloon doors. We get back to her place. Clothes start flying off. I've got her naked (nice job hypothetical me). She tells me to get inside of her. I happily oblige. My happiness quickly turns to sadness. I am in extreme pain. She begins laughing. I tell her my dong is killing me. She laughs harder. I pull out, noticing that I now have a crazy device on my guy. She tells me I've been Rape-aXed. I've got razors in my dick. That's understandable for a rapist, not for a guy who's just kind of an asshole. I do not want this to happen.

Obviously, this would take a whole nother level of crazy bitch to do something like this, so the chances are slim, but they're still there, especially for me. I can't imagine what it feels like to be loved on by me, and then just when this girl thinks she might lock down a thoroughbred stallion, I quickly cut off all communication, leaving their tears to be consoled by bucket after bucket of ice cream. The fact that these girls eventually pull themselves out of bed deserves some sort of medal. I can't imagine a life without me. Hence, these broads are probably a little messed up in the head. Nobody can blame them for that, but please, ladies, don't Rape-aXe me. Let's just have a few more guilt-free nights of love together. I promise not to giggle as much this time.

So guys, be aware of Rape-aXe. If you're half the man I am, or half the asshole I am, you've probably driven a few ladies a wee bit crazy. So be sure that you warm up the oven before going for gold. If you're using your digits on a girl's grandest canyon and think to yourself, "it kind of feels like she's got razors in her twatlantic ocean," do not follow that thought up with, "I think I should stick my dick in there to find out." Gently pull your fingers out and run, run for your life, and never turn back. There ain't no deer hoof that's worth a Rape-aXe.

-Joe

P.S. I really hope there's no ladies that read this and got any ideas. If there are, remember ladies, the only reason that I was such an asshole was because...um...I like...love you and shit? See? I'm a sweetheart.

P.P.S. I agree with Charlene Smith's opinions on this device, and she's a woman. Thanks Charlene.

P.P.P.S. Total names for a vagina included in this post: 13

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