Monday, September 13, 2010

Time to Grow Up Hawkeye Fans

People bragging that this is a Hawkeye state are morons. If you have to take an event to make it the Hawkeye State, then you really don’t believe that it is. Nobody around the world has ever called Iowa the Cyclone State. That’s not a realistic debate. Do you think Indiana ever brags to Purdue that it’s the Hoosier State? No. If they do, they’re morons, because nobody thinks “Indiana? Oh, the Boilermaker State.”

When you start to brag about this being the Hawkeye State after a football win, you are acting like Iowa State fans. When Iowa State surprisingly wins something and claims that it’s the Cyclone State, I laugh, because I think it’s cute. It doesn’t matter, because Iowa is the better institution in just about every conceivable way. Yes, Iowa State does have a higher percentage of dudes, and their chicks are fatter, but let them have those victories. They need them.

I do know where these idiotic thoughts came from. In learning, if we see things over and over again, we tend to make absolute statements. Sometimes these statements are true, 2+2 will always equal 4, the Bears will always have a shitty quarterback, and the Cubs will always find a way to screw things up. These are absolute truths. During our formative years, Iowa struggled, and Iowa State had a win streak, then the teams seemed to go back and forth with wins and losses. The weak-minded started to suspect that the game was a coin flip. I mean, that's the way rivalry games work, right? Wrong. This game is not a coin flip. It’s much more a roll of the dice. And by that, I mean that Hawkeye victories are like landing on a number on a dice. It’s almost a foregone conclusion, but occasionally, you’ll roll it and it’ll get wedged next to something so it’ll end up one of its sides and not land on any particular number. That’s pretty goddamn rare. Much like Iowa State football victories are going to be for the foreseeable future.

Iowa State is like a jilted lover. When you move on from the broad, you do not call to remind her of how awesome you are, because that's just cruel, and she knows what she's missing out on. The same is true for Iowa State fans. As Iowa destroyed them on the field, there was no need to brag about how great we are, because they already knew it. I don't brag to Iowa State fans about a routine victory, and I don't leave used condoms on old lover's beds. I'm too busy winning to brag about it to the losers.


P.S. I just had this exchange at the library:
Possibly Retarded Woman: Are you from Illinois?
Me: No, but I am from Iowa.
PRW: Oh, I just noticed your Bears shirt.

This wouldn't have been weird, but I was wearing a Baylor Bears shirt. When I informed her of this, you would have thought I shot thirteen of her twenty-seven cats.

P.P.S. According to this quote from Charles Bukowski, I am at least half way to becoming a real writer, I'll let you decide which half:
"The writer has no responsibility except to jack off in bed alone and type a good page."

1 comment:

  1. Routine victory? Wake me up when the University of Iowa matters at anything besides wrestling.