Sunday, October 24, 2010

Halloween Sucks

I was listening to the radio the other day, and the chick DJ was talking with someone on the phone about haunted houses. They were both talking about how scary the haunted houses were, and the DJ commended this girl on the phone, because she was going to haunted houses. Then the DJ said that she won't go to the real haunted houses, only the fake ones.

Obviously, my reaction was pure shock as I couldn't believe this woman was smart enough to remember to breathe. Real haunted houses? That's a joke, right? But it wasn't. Personally, I think haunted houses are overpriced, and quite frankly, boring. Still, there are people out there stupid enough to believe that some places are really haunted. These people make great candidates to join the Tea Party since that group preys on fear, and if you believe things are haunted, you're fucking retarded.

I don't believe that anything is haunted. You know why? Because nothing is. I can be positive of this, because there's a Black Angel in Iowa City, and I chose to go face to face with this angel in the middle of the night despite knowing that anyone who did would be dead within a week. Wait, did I say face to face, maybe this picture will help me better describe it.
So maybe face to crotch would be a more accurate term. Yes, if you look closely, that is me getting ready to perform cunnilingus on the Black Angel. My friends and I sexually harassed this statue in every imaginable way, yet somehow, we are still alive.

Still, there are other things that people like about Halloween. At least you can eat a ton of candy. This doesn't help me at all, because I realized that my body rejects junk food. After I cut weight, I figured I would treat myself with a Five Guys Burger, Cheez-Its, chocolate chips and other junk food. My body quickly laughed at me, as I found out that junk food makes me much weaker, it also makes me bruise easier as well as get mat burn for the first time in months. So yeah, candy has no appeal to me.

Finally, the reason all guys love Halloween, and that is dressing up. Now most people don't really care about dressing up themselves, but since girls all dress as whorish as possible with no social repercussions; this holiday can act as a horny guy's Christmas. But even this part of Halloween has little appeal to me. First off, good costumes either take money or work, and I'm not interested in investing much of either for something that I will wear once. And even girls dressing down for Halloween doesn't interest me all that much. Girls dress pretty slutty year-round, so them dressing slutty on Halloween has lost some of its novelty.

Let's face it, Halloween just isn't that great of a celebration. I understand its appeal, but it will never be something that I look forward to. Plus, it's a necessity. Otherwise, pumpkin farmers would all be bankrupt, because nobody gives a shit about pumpkins the other 11 months of the year. Live on, Capitalism.

-Joe

P.S. I'm trying to figure out which is funnier. People finding my website by googling "Dick Soak" or people google imaging "Frank Reynolds Skinny Jeans". I've been battling with Urban Dictionary to be the number one result for Dick Soak, so if we could try to get me to number one, that'd be great. Also, I'm usually second in the image results for Frank Reynolds Skinny Jeans. And people thought this blog would never amount to anything.

P.P.S. You can also find this article by searching "dick soaking" or "Provo Soak".

1 comment:

  1. The best Halloween I have had was not dressing up and getting a bar spot at brothers , and watching you only wear a scary mask from asay , and creeping the hell out of any girl ordering a drink. Best .... night.... ever

    ReplyDelete