Tuesday, October 19, 2010

How To Stay Unemployed

Any idiot can be unemployed, but to stay unemployed, to have the courage and determination to not work, well, that takes a little more effort. Luckily, I do not lack in effort when it comes to remaining a succubus upon society.

It's tough to want employment when you see that employers are portraying themselves as complete jackasses when it comes to the application process. Here are two questions that I had to answer when applying for a job recently:

What challenge have you overcome that you are most proud of?
What is your biggest sales story?

These questions are fucking retarded. Best sales story? Are you kidding me? I did sales for three years and can't remember a single story. I feel bad for people who are actually wasting brain power on remembering that time that they upgraded that client after a bomb-ass sales pitch. I would lead an awful existence if I could recount sales stories but fail to remember the time that we branded my buddy with a fork. Branding is something that deserves a spot in the memory bank, remembering when you convinced somebody to go from a 5-game to a 10-game plan means that your life is worthless.

And back to the first question. The biggest challenge I have faced in my life is not answering this question with a string of expletives that would make your mother faint. Fortunately, I did not write my original thoughts on these questions; I chose to go a different angle. Below are my actual responses (with names changed to hide identities) to my application for a management position with a sports organization.

What challenge have you overcome that you are most proud of?

Picking my favorite challenge that I have overcome would be like picking my favorite Iowa Hawkeye. It's impossible, hence I will have to call this a ten-way tie.

1. Overcoming my great looks and being taken seriously in the work place.
2. Going from 180 pounds to 150 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal.
3. Winning my first grappling match.
4. Using the innovative methods of West Coast Dance to go undefeated in dance-offs.
5. Making it through the movie Transformers without committing suicide.
6. Being incredibly intelligent, I'm proud to be able to dumb it down so I am able to communicate with the peons of everyday life.
7. Popping my shirt off and having the ladies say, "Wow, now that's a six pack summer."
8. Outlasting my manager at my last job, despite him trying to get me fired.
9. When everyone told me that I couldn't do it, I still persevered and started a blog.
10. Becoming the Swiss Army Knife of employees for the Quad Cities River Bandits, as there was no job I couldn't do.

What is your biggest sales story?

I sold you on offering me this job. Although the interview has not happened, here is a rough draft of what will go down.

GM: Why should we hire you?
Hott Joe: Because I am awesome.
AGM: And very handsome.
Owner: Agreed, you should be in movies. You've got the "it" factor.
Hott Joe: Well, Owner, how about you put me in the role of Assistant General Manager. I guarantee that movie is a box office success. Heck, I'll even move to [Redacted] if you want me to.
Owner: That's the greatest idea I have ever heard. Mascot, what do you think?
(Mascot nods happily)
GM: If you're good with the mascot, you're good with me, what say you AGM?
AGM: Ugh, he's a dumbass, but I guess so.
Hott Joe: I accept.

Booyah! You just got yourself an AGM, and that is my biggest sales success story.


Even with my brilliant answers to their asinine questions, I have yet to be offered an interview. Does this worry me? Not at all. It's their loss. The job scene is much like the dating scene for me; I'm a catch, so I don't need to settle for anything less than the best. Employers take note, because just like I tell the bitches, "You better bring your A game if you want a shot at this."


P.S. I also applied for a job with the Yankees where they asked me if I had experience selling in the New York market. My response was this:
No, but I have sold in Davenport, which some consider the New York of Eastern Iowa.

For some reason, they haven't called back either.

P.P.S. This will make you happy:
A lot of my .gif images have not been working after a couple hours, so if it isn't showing up, click here to enjoy the greatness.

P.P.P.S. In news nobody wants to hear about, asparagus makes my urine smell awful, but I think it also gives me a stronger stream. This is a trade-off I will happily make.

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