Thursday, October 28, 2010

Miller Lite Waitresses Are Bitches

Anyone who watches television is probably familiar with the newest ad campaign from Miller Lite where their basic message is "Man Up." Unfortunately, the campaign is a horrible failure, because despite being named "Man Up," it inevitably focuses on the female worker. Obviously, it's good for a man to see an attractive female in a position that is subservient to him, but these women don't know their place. These women backtalk like they actually have something important to say. It reminds me of the old adage, "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes...Nothing, you already told her twice." Anyway, let's get into how these entitled broads treat their paying customers.

The part that bothers me most about this commercial is the following exchange:
Dude: (referring to the bottle) What's so special about that one?
Waitress: Well, it's got grooves.

I understand it has grooves, but why does that make it special? Wait, you don't know smarty-pants waitress lady? Of course you don't. She tries to turn it into a conversation about his sunglasses, but this is just to deflect the fact that she is a brainless puppet who spouts off about a bottle that she knows very little about. Here is an alternate exchange with a smart waitress and me involved:

Me: What's so special about that one?
Waitress: It creates a vortex that literally blasts the liquidy goodness into the back of your throat.
Me: Sounds like it's more for the ladies.
Waitress: Do me now.

Now that's a commercial that would sell a product and be true to real life. Onto the next commercial:

I am only posting this commercial, because it is only trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator of people. Why is the guy wearing a skirt? If I'm a man, how does that guy relate to me? He doesn't. This exchange would have made just as much sense:

Guy: Can I get a light beer?
Waitress: Do you care how it tastes?
Guy: No, I don't really care.
Waitress: Well, when you stop getting gang raped by all those midgets, have a Miller Lite.

My version also makes no goddamn sense, but at least it would be visually entertaining. I like to imagine a really small midget balancing on his shoulder while banging him in the ear, while others are just pumping away at every part of his body. If you're not going to try to make sense, at least make it entertaining Miller Lite.

Onto the final commercial:

I'll admit it, I really like dragon guy, which really makes me want to have this waitress bite the curb. Who does she think she is telling this guy to change his clothes? Sir, there is nothing wrong with your dragons, and if you're scaring customers, then that's their problem, not yours. Here is how I would have handled this situation:

Me: What's wrong with my dragons?
Waitress: They're scaring the customers.
Me: If you think these dragons are scary, you should see the one hiding in my pants.
Waitress: Do me now.
Me: Sounds good, let me grab a Natty Light first.
Waitress: You are all that is man.
Me: Fact.

And that is a fact. Miller Lite Waitresses need to check themselves before they wreck themselves, because if they run into me, it seems like they are not going to be able to control their carnal lust and will want to love me long time. Hey, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.

-Joe

P.S. Is it just me or does Keith Stone seem like an inbred rape-hungry hillbilly?

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