Thursday, October 21, 2010

Quick Thoughts

I've had some lucid, brilliant, offensive posts this week, so it's time to not elaborate so much and just get a few quick ideas out there (plus my Mom was worried about how offensive this week has been, especially to women).

First off, I was thinking about who my dream coach for Minnesota's football team would be. I quickly thought I was being too optimistic, but then I saw that, yes, Lou Holtz is a serious candidate. Holtz would ensure that Minnesota would be awful and that Shannon Sharpe would have the best lisp in sports broadcasting.

I watched a movie called Group Sex last week. Obviously, whenever I come across a title like that, see that it's a comedy, it's a guaranteed must watch for me. The movie obviously wasn't very good, so don't feel bad for not hearing about it. The two highlights of the movie are that it guest-starred the pride of Iowa, Tom Arnold, and the main girl, Odette Yustman, in the movie was kind of hot as she had a poor man's Jessica Alba feel to her. Since I'm a poor man, this would probably be the best Jessica Alba I could get.

I heard some really good one-liners this week that I feel like sharing:

The first was from the movie, Leaves of Grass, which was an above average movie. Ed Norton plays two characters and does a really good job, but they put a pointless controversy in the movie dealing with his sophisticated character's job. It was lazy writing, but the best line came from a drug dealer when he said, "I wish everyone in the world would give me a dollar and call me a cocksucker, because then I'd be rich and everyone would love me."

The other line came from the Daves of Thunder podcast (which is the most hilarious podcast out there, and I highly recommend giving it a listen). I often give advice on dealing with women, and here is a great one if you meet a girl and she is being a bitch to you.
Her: Blah, blah, blah, I'm a bitch.
You: You better watch it, you don't want to end up on my jerk list. There's only two people on it so far this week.
Her: Who?
You: Your parents for raising such an awful skank.
(Is that offensive to women? Shit, sorry Mom)

I feel like this could be a weekly feature on the blog, but here is my biggest complaint about The League from last week. For some reason, they were watching women's basketball. This bothered me not only because no guys would be watching women's basketball (and no, if they were attempting to be ironic, that does not make it any better), but because no form of women's basketball is in season during Week 2 of the NFL season.

In good TV news, I just got cable. I decided to turn on the TV, and I'm pleased to be greeted by Chuck Norris in the role of Walker, Texas Ranger.
Walker was tied down with scorpions crawling on him. Luckily, he convinced a nearby horse to untie him, so he could save that blond hussy before she was raped. Yep, that just happened.

Finally, a realistic portrayal of Fabio being your imaginary friend. Yeah, it'd be awesome.

-Joe

P.S. I know everybody is talking about the UFC card this weekend, but I would highly recommend trying to catch the Bellator card on Fox Sports Net. The only problem is that every carrier of FSN shows it at different times, so I can't say when it will actually air in your area. Still, it's two pretty badass title fights, and if you like MMA, it's well worth trying to figure out when it will be on.

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