Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Quintessential Guide to Seducing Women - The Follow Up

It is time for another installment of my critically acclaimed series on how to get with the ladies, The Quintessential Guide to Seducing Women. In the past, I have given you the keys to success on the dance floor and also reminded you that men are prizes, so you don't have to buy drinks for cheap (and probably unsavory) broads. Now it is time to learn how to follow up with the ladies after you have already stimulated them with conversation (and possibly more).

To start off, this is going to focus on ladies that you have met but not made love on yet. If you have already made love on her, I'll break down your follow up game quite quickly.

1. If you made love on her right, she'll be contacting you.
2. Why would you want to follow up? She's served her purpose.

But say you have met some classy young dame that you did not sleep with upon first introduction. Hey, nothing wrong with that. It happens to the best of us. First off, never assume that she does not want to fornicate with you, because if you have followed my previous instructions, trust me, she probably does, or she's a lesbian. Anytime this happens to me, I usually just assume that it's that time of the month, maybe she ate a big burrito and does not want to accidentally fart during a passionate night of love-making, or she's a lesbian.

A casual follow up text is a pretty money maneuver but make it worthwhile. Some broad tried to follow up with me with a "Hey" text. That's it, just "Hey". I decided at that moment that she would not be getting at my lovelies. A good text is fun and a little flirty. Here's one off the top of my head:

"Hey, how great was I in your sex dream last night? You were only so-so."

No girl will not respond to this message, because females are simple beings that cannot resist ambiguous challenges. If you tell a girl she was only so-so in your dream, she will either claim that I was awful in her dream, or she will say that my dream wasn't very realistic. If she goes with the second response, you're in like Flynn. If she goes with the first one, just reply with, "I'll take that as extremely great." Since you've already prefaced everything with your greatness, it's just a matter of how great you were. This is why I am a genius.

But say, even with the flirty text, this girl is being a flake about meeting up with you. This is where you must realize that this is not an issue with you. This is an issue with her. Again, it could be a bad time of the month, she could have irritable bowel syndrome, or she could be a lesbian. Just give her some time so she can realize what she's missing out on, and you'll be golden.

Patience is a virtue, and for those of you who lack it, I am going to go over two things that you can never, under any circumstance, do to try and impress a girl, because it will backfire.

The first mistake has been exhausted on Jersey Shore. Vinny has been showing us what not to do when it comes to seducing the ladies. Vinny initially fell in love with a girl who dances with little clothing on at a night club, because she talked to him (because she's paid to). Anyway, Vinny falls in love with her and invites her on a double date with Pauly D and his broad. She says no. Then he begs for her to come. Do not beg to women. It will NEVER work (The only time I ever beg a girl is when I beg her to stop bragging to all of her friends about how great it was when I made love on her). So after Vinny begs, she says she'll meet him. He waits the entire night for her to show up, and she never shows up, never even calls. He is made to look like a jackass, and I can't feel sorry for him, because that is exactly what he is.

I know what many of you are thinking. He eventually got the girl. Him begging is not the cause that led to the effect. She didn't get with him because he begged; she got with him because she wants to be famous. Let's face it, this girl is basically a Dangerous Curves (Dangerous Curves is a strip club in Ames where they can only strip down to bikinis; I go there often for great laughs and great drink specials) stripper, only in Miami. Clearly she's desperate. It's not a bad move. If I really wanted to be famous, I could probably bang Snooki, since when most people meet me, they immediately assume that I'm a juicehead gorilla. But I am not nearly that desperate for fame. Begging NEVER works. If you beg, you'll end up like Vinny, if you don't beg, you'll end up like this guy.
I'm definitely taking option number two.

The next problem is the only thing worse than begging. Say you've become quite smitten with a young scoochie, but she just keeps flaking on you. You feel like you have exhausted all of your options. You know that if she just met up with you, you two could have a great time. Unfortunately, she just refuses to realize this. You decide to pull out your Ace in the hole. There's just one problem. What you think is an Ace is actually just going to turn you into a Joker. So for the love of God, do not send her a picture of your cock. I know it seems like a surefire game changer, and it is, but the only game you'll be playing is which lawyer gives me the best chance of staying out of prison. You should never think to yourself that a girl will be yours if only she could see a picture of you holding your dick in your hand. No woman, in the history of mankind, has ever been on the fence about a guy, gotten sent a picture of his penis, and decided, "Yes, this is the man for me." Think about this. I know that if a girl sent me a picture of her love box, it would be immediately sent to all of my buddies so we could have a good laugh at the desperation of this scooch. This isn't mean, because I would expect women to do the exact same thing.

It's real simple guys. Do not beg. Do not send a girl a picture of your junk. Keep it fun. Keep it flirty. Use patience. Patience=Poontang...unless she's a lesbian.

-Joe

P.S. I was checking the traffic of my blog this weekend and noticed I had a new comment on an old article about hippies and how emos should kill themselves. I want to thank everyone who has commented either on this site or via Facebook, but this is by far the best comment I have ever received:
fiaa94 said...

i believe that you are the lowest person on this earth..u should be ashamed of this essay or whatever you believe in

fiaa94 - You are the reason I keep writing. You are my inspiration. Thank you.

4 comments:

  1. When is there going to be a C.P. sighting in Iowa city , we have been killing vitos after every game Wcd'ing , and also jroy and kfol armbars and stunners and throwing off the ropes at spo co

    ReplyDelete
  2. Instructions unclear, Hair caught in ceiling fan.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Instructions unclear, Hair caught in ceiling fan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I hope you got the ceiling fan turned off. Good luck with that.

      Delete