Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Bad Advice From Cab Drivers

Cash Cab is awesome, the following advice is not.

When I travel to new cities, I have to do something that I would rather not do, and that is pay for cab rides. It's really depressing to watch that meter go higher and higher as we edge towards our destination. The only thing that helps is being incredibly intoxicated, so I try to do this whenever I am about to ride in a cab. Still, despite excessive alcohol consumption, I have gotten numerous bits of advice from cab drivers that I will break down today.

1. "I'd like to roll her in flour and find the wet spots."
This is from a hillbilly cab driver in Clemson, South Carolina. When he sees a girl that he fancies, this is his plan of action. When I heard this stupid cliche from the imbred hillbilly, it didn't sound like a good idea, but I figured I should investigate just to make sure I wasn't completely fucking up the courting process. Luckily, it found me, as there was some show on HBO on weird porn videos, and some dude did this with a 400 pound woman. Not only did it not look like fun, but it also took a ton of flour. Now, obviously a normal sized woman would take less flour, but to cover an entire body in flour, it's still probably going to take a package of flour (I mean, you don't want to look stingy when covering your lady in white powder). Since I don't bake, I never even have flour on hand. It's never hurt me before, and why cover a girl in white powder when you can cover her in your white goo? OH! (That one's for you Diceman)

2. When girls wear skirts, it is an invitation for you to pull the skirt up and pleasure them.
When looking at the golden rule of treat others how you would like to be treated, this advice makes a lot of sense. I mean, really, who doesn't like pleasure? Also, if there were pants that I could wear that would invite ladies to randomly pleasure me, I would only need one pair of pants. But then I looked a little deeper into this idea, and I found out about this little known thing called rape. Rape is illegal. Pulling up skirts and trying to tongue a woman probably constitutes as rape (at least assault), so I have to put this as a bad idea. It looks like us guys are still going to have to go through that boring process of "conversation" before getting down to the business.

3. Shut up and stare at the pussy.
We lucked into the most adamant cab driver in cab driving history when down in Tampa a couple years ago. This guy had so much energy, I was surprised he was able to stay in the car. Looking back, there was a good chance he was high on coke, but that didn't mean his advice was any less potent. The way I remember it is that I asked him about where I can find a pretty girl with a great personality to take out on fancy dates, propose to, marry, start a family,, and live happily ever after (it was either that or, "Hey, where can I find some hot chicks?" To-may-to, to-mah-to). He told us to go to some beach where these classy ladies like to hang out at. Then he gave us some advice I had never heard before. We were not to talk to the women on the beach, instead we were supposed to "Just shut the fuck up and stare at the pussy." This is the only advice that I immediately knew was wrong, as I have had a buddy who would sit off to the side of the dance floor while we were West Coast Dancing and stare at girls while he drank by himself; it never worked for him. But it is possible that he meant it in its most literal sense. A lot of guys stare at girls' breasts, and that never works out well, but maybe it's because these women think these guys aren't ballsy enough.

Maybe when I see a lady that tickles my fancy, I should go over to her, not say a word (probably the most important part), and crouch down and stare at her vaginal region. Wait, no, nothing about that sounds like a good idea. If I was crouched down, she wouldn't be able to see how good looking I am. Also, my balance goes to shit when I'm drunk, so I made teeter over and have to touch the nasty bar floor.

What's that you say? I could try this maneuver sober? Talking to girls sober: There's one piece of advice I hope I'm never dumb enough to try.


P.S. West Davenport's chosen game of Pickleball is gaining popularity (we stole it from Walcott after the massacre we put on the people of their town). If my partner could keep his composure, we could probably become world champions, unfortunately, JVD will probably still blow it for me.

P.P.S. Biggest traffic day in the history of the blog yesterday as we had 138 visitors, powered by Miller Lite Waitresses, Dice, and especially Things Women Should Stop Doing.

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