Monday, November 8, 2010

People I Love - Chapter 4: Andrew Dice Clay

Max Muscle indeed.

The Diceman, one of the most insightful comedians to ever walk this Earth, definitely qualifies as one of those people that I cannot get enough of. Dice is a genius. Not in the conventional sense of the word, but anybody who can get that much fame out of dick jokes and degrading women is definitely a hero to me.

Dice is probably best known for his nursery rhyme jokes. Here is a video for those of you who don't like words:

Honestly, it's amazing the way he is able to bring the house down with this material.

But Dice was not just a comedian. He was an actor as well. Although, it seems that the Internet falsely has the Oscar for Best Picture to Dances with Wolves in 1990, it definitely should have gone to the smash hit, "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane." This movie is amazing in every single way. Here is the opening line of the film, as spoken by the Diceman himself:

“They call me Ford Fairlane, Rock n’ Roll Detective. I have the power to get in the hottest clubs, the hottest dressing rooms, and the hottest chicks.”

That type of writing is brilliant. I was already laughing out loud at "rock n' roll detective," because the fact that somebody came up with that idea is absolutely mind-boggling to me. I would say it's the best movie I have seen this year (the 30 teen comedies I've watched have not treated me kindly). It also includes such celebrities as Al Bundy, Freddy Krueger, and Tone-Loc. If that's not enough for you to run to your local video store to pick up this movie, how about another quote:

"What's the definition of vagina?
The box a penis cums in."

And there's plenty more brilliant lines where that came from. But as great as Dice was as a movie star, it can't compare to his near flawless performance as a stand-up comedian. Here is how Wikipedia describes his comedy: "His act is usually about fellatio, sex, masturbation and intolerance to basically everybody (women in particular)." Since he is best known for his nursery rhymes, let's take a closer look at some of his brilliant rhymes:

Little Boy Blue...he needed the money!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with $2.50! The fucking whore!

Mary, Mary quite contrary,
Trim that pussy it's too damn hairy!

Patty cake, Patty cake
Baker's man.
If your chick's on her period
Just fuck her in the can!

Yes, just about every one of his jokes either degrades women or the gay community. Just reading them, they really aren't that funny, but if you go deeper, they become hilarious. First off, the way he performs these jokes with yells and random noises thrown in really bumps up the funny on these jokes. What I find funniest about these jokes is that he sat in his room thinking these up. He went through draft after draft of rhymes (and I'm sure each was hilarious), and he settled on these. After months of contemplating the best way to get a laugh out of Mother Goose, he finally settled on, "You remember Mother Goose...I fucked her." Perfection.

Yes, the Diceman has fallen on some hard times, but this type of brilliance doesn't just go away. Just don't tell him he's running a gym:

Yeah, the Diceman's still got it.


P.S. I am really starting to like the Lions more and more as I found out that Jim Schwartz and I share the same love of Ronnie James Dio.

P.P.S. Last night, there were people in skeleton face paint in my living room watching Family Guy (hence it's time for me to get back to Iowa where shit like this doesn't happen). It was both guys and gals doing this. I gave them a simple, “What’s up?” and nothing more. I’m sure it ruined their night, because they clearly only did it for attention. I had more important things to give attention to, like eating a delicious bowl of Rice Krispies.

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