Thursday, December 9, 2010

Jose Canseco Might Be A Cannibal

Let's face it, Jose Canseco hasn't had the easiest time lately.  He went from the penthouse to the garage and they stole his chandeliers.  Still, not all has been bad in Jose's life.  He hit some home runs in Independent baseball, made it on the apprentice, and has a girlfriend and dog, so those are always nice.  I felt like Jose was really turning things around, but unfortunately things may be worse than you can possibly imagine.  Twitter has been his way of crying out for help, and this is no exception, let's break it down.

JoseCanseco I am at the gym trying to stay in shape .just rememger life starts at forty.big hugs for all you guys even the ones that don't like me
This seems like a fairly nice tweet about not getting down about stuff, and he seems to be taking a positive look at life.  As you probably already know, nothing is ever that simple when it comes to Jose Canseco.

JoseCanseco I love my gilfried leila she is the best,and she's yummy
Why Jose?  Why?  Why would you eat your girlfriend?  I don't care if she tastes better than a porterhouse steak, you can't go around eating people.  And that previous text, "life starts at forty"?  Oh, I get it. It's like the classic abortion argument of when does life start?  3 months?  6 months?  Jose says 40 years.  40 YEARS.  He's aborting humans and savoring the delicious results. 

JoseCanseco Only one more puppy left for sale looking for a great home
At least Jose is reserving his savagery for humans as he is willing to sell his last puppy before he is tempted to taste its delicious puppy meat.

JoseCanseco Anyone want to buy a jose canseco game used baseball bat ,I have 2 of them ,make an offer
Oh, God damnit.  Jose wasn't selling that puppy to save it.  If you're a consistent reader of this blog, you'll remember that Jose was selling two puppies but accompanied it with a picture of three puppies.  I said I was curious what happened to the third puppy; he was turned into puppy sirloin.  Fortunately for the other two, the taste didn't satisfy the hunger of the beast.  Now he's selling everything he can so he can purchase a Russian mail-order bride to feed his hunger.  Do NOT buy those baseball bats.

JoseCanseco Sorry I have already sold them thank you
God damnit.  At least, he should only be able to afford one bride and then he won't have the money to keep up his habit.  That's the one great thing about cannibalism; there's no easy way to get people to come to you.

JoseCanseco Next item up for ouction spend a day with jose. Who's gonna start the bidding
Fuuuuuuuck.  He's not only found a way to make his victims come to him, but he's making money off of it so he can purchase more humans off the black market.  Jose, eating humans is not cool.  I'm not sure if you're even one of my heroes anymore.

Ah, who am I kidding?  His business model is brilliant, it appears he's done eating puppies, and as long as he doesn't eat me, we're cool.  Jose, you're still the man.


P.S.  Here is indisputable evidence that a quarter of all Lakers fans are in fact, retarded.

P.P.S.  Furries and GSP teaming together equals brilliance:

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