Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I walked around for a while and stumbled upon what I am assuming is a mom-and-pop shop called Starbucks. What I will say about this place is that it was clean and their wireless internet worked quite well. This is where the compliments end.
Really, I only have a few issues with this place. First off, a coffee shop. I've never had coffee, but a lot of people seem to like it. The real issue is that they have ridiculous prices and ridiculous names for their sizes. Their sizes are not small, medium, and large, or in Hardees case, Large, Larger, and You Better Put a Weight Belt on Before Attempting to Lift This (I love Hardees). It's weird names. I know one of them is Venti, and the other two were gay names too. Why? I would guess to try to class the place up, but Starbucks is not classy (I'll get into that later).
Since I don't drink coffee, I got a strawberry smoothie that was around $4. That is a ridiculous price for a smoothie unless it is a loaded ass protein smoothie. Mine was not, and it was only about twelve ounces. Weak Sauce. I would have been upset about this, but my breakfast was even more outrageous. I decided to get a slice of banana bread that cost me $1.95. Two fucking dollars for a slice of banana bread. I'm pretty sure I could make a loaf of banana bread for $1.75. But wait, it also had walnuts in it. Unless those walnuts doubled as the X-gene that gives superheroes their powers, I got ripped off.
After paying those ridiculous prices for a meal that was nothing special, I noticed something shocking. This coffee shop was packed. There were people all over this place and there was a constant line of people waiting to make their orders. Logically, this made no sense, but as I sat there, reading about the weekend in sports, I started to study human behavior and I realized what their secret to success really was. Starbucks baristas are fucking whores.
From what I could tell, they are not literal whores who have sex for money, but just because I didn't see it doesn't mean that it ain't happening. I understand that people in food service flirt a little to help get tips, but these broads took it to the level of strippers. It wouldn't have surprised me to hear one of them ask a customer if he wanted a private dance. And that's thing with these broads, it was always a male that they flirted with. Female customers came and went with them just announcing their order and walking way, but male customers were treated far differently. They knew that the female customers weren't going to pony up the scrilla for their "services" so they went to the men. It was shocking as they were able to recall intimate details about nearly every one of their male customers like it was no big deal. The nicer the men were dressed, the more these whores seemed to know about them.
The saddest thing came towards the end of my visit. A sweet old man had been milling around Starbucks for quite a while and you could tell that he knew the employees. He waited around until there was finally a break in the crowd. When this happened, he was able to get all of their attention so he could give them all presents. He had made them portraits of musicians and offered them to these whores as gifts. After the whores thanked him and giggled at everything he said, he went on his way, not knowing that he had been duped by sets of tits with minimal brains.
Starbucks is an awful place where whores go above and beyond to squeeze the life out of unsuspecting males. If you need coffee, you should go to Hardees. You could probably order a small, and they'd give you a cup the size of a garbage can.
P.S. The whores did no flirting with me, because I try my best to look like a homeless person when out in public.
P.P.S. I don't know how Hardees got mentioned so much, but it's really a fantastic place and giving it props is long overdue.
P.P.P.S. I'm not sure how many of you actually followed the early Pride and UFC days, but Mark Kerr was at one time considered the greatest fighter in the world. He was basically Brock Lesnar twelve years before Brock Lesnar. Now he is selling cars at an Infiniti dealership. It's sad, but I'm glad he left the sport, because I saw his last pro fight in person, and, uh, it wasn't pretty.
Friday, August 27, 2010
First off, my UFC picks for tomorrow night's card are Penn, Couture, Maia, Maynard, Diaz, Lauzon, Winner, Salter, Ospiczak, and Pierce. Also, I'm still depressed about Chael Sonnen losing, but here's something to get you pumped up for the co-main event tomorrow.
What do me and BJ Penn have in common? Hulk Hogan was a major influence in our lives.
If you're a nerd, you were probably very interested in the MLB team financial documents being leaked on Deadspin this week. I was way too lazy to actually read them, but the gist of it is that small market teams are hording money. I think we all knew this. Also, MLB was already proactive last offseason in pressuring the Marlins into spending more money while also heavily investigating both the A's and Pirates. There is no point for a team to consistently have a 50 million dollar payroll when they could have a couple of 30 million years, and then go up to 70 when they can actually be competitive. But still, the Marlins front office are a bunch of scumbags for fleecing the city of Miami for a new stadium that they are barely paying any money towards. But hey, the city of Miami is retarded for believing it. Marlins ownership is to the city of Miami as guys are to naive girls.
Speaking of naive girls, here is some amazing advice from Kenny Powers.
I'm probably not going to be an active participant in this, but I sure hope they're successful.
I'm sure many of you have seen this, but it's tough to not love an article that calls Iowa "The Big Ten's Most Rapiest Team."
Speaking of Hawkeye football, next weekend is the beginning of the season. I'll probably be hitting up the local Iowa bar here in the ABQ, but it will be tough for them to match up with the Western Washington I-Club. I just hope that there's no Florida or Purdue douchebags at this place.
I was really hoping that this Booze wasn't going to be an issue, but shit could get bad for the Bulls.
This movie is going to be awesome.
Please God, if you're in Bosnia, do not draw first blood with this man.
P.S. Thanks for all the birthday messages.. I have considered every piece of advice that I received yesterday.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
717142226 When I was 5, I put cologne on my weiner to impress a girl. It burned so bad for 3 days, I could hardly piss.
I think we all tried this maneuver as young boys. Who doesn't think that the ultimate way to impress the ladies is with a great smelling dong? At five years of age, you don't even get in trouble for trying to stick your crotch in girls' faces, so it's really a win-win situation. When she gets that sweet aroma, you'll have a building blocks partner for the rest of the year. Unfortunately he made the rookie mistake of not protecting the tip. You gotta protect the tip bro.
407791443 i love the smell of vomit. i just love it more than anything else. i feel guilty because sometimes i put poison into my sisters drink (not enough to kill her) just so she will get sick and vomit. then i seem like a caring sister because i hang around her the whole time she is throwing up. if only she knew.I love the research that must have gone into this, because you can't just give her all the poison in the world or you'll kill your sister, and that means no free vomit rides. I imagine this sister like a chemist, secretly mixing ingredients for the perfect puke-not-kill combination of poison. Also, if this girl really loves the smell of vomit so much, why doesn't she just do things the old fashioned way and become bulimic. Not only will she get to vomit, she'll get a great body with it too.
866068471 I was doing my girlfriend from behind and actually saw dingle berries in her ass. I went soft immediately. It has totally ruined my craving for anal sex. I still love her though.
649035459 When I go to the toilet for a poo I “catch” the faeces in a piece of toilet paper as it is passed, and then bring it up to my nose for sniffing. It is something I always do now, and a really bad habit that I have to break.Not only is this awesome that he does this, but that he has made an unbreakable habit out of it. Having a buddy who has been known to dig his own poop out of the toilet, this one isn't quite so shocking for me, but the logistics of this whole scenario really worry me. How does he set up the catch? Does he put toilet paper between the seat and the toilet so it hangs under his anus while he poops? Does he just cup the toilet paper underneath his butt with his hand as he rids himself of fecal matter. Also, no matter what his method, clearly there must be failures where he gets a hand covered in poop. Does he wash his hand, or does he leave it there so he can have the sweet stench of his fecal matter available to him all day long?
P.S. Preach on Matt Bowen, preach on.
P.P.S. When I first heard about this story, I thought that Custer had decided to go back to Oregon State for another year of eligibility.
P.P.P.S. For some reason the formatting is all messed up, I don't feel like messing around with it anymore.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Yesterday, I can honestly say that I lived in a video game world. I'm sure everyone is familiar with the level on Super Mario Bros. where the single cloud in the sky throws the spiked gremlins out at you and follows you no matter where you go. Well, that happened to me on my run yesterday, except that it threw rain instead of spiked gremlins. I suppose there is a chance it was acid rain, which would probably make it slightly more badass.
Another thing that I like about Albuquerque is the ladies seem to be quite fond of me running with my shirt off. Not only do they take the time to back their cars out of my way when I'm running, but I have gotten both hoots and hollers from passing cars. Are these girls probably desperate fatties? Of course, but it's better than D-Port where dudes will yell, "Put a shirt on faggot," so I'll gladly take the upgrade.
This song is really catchy. I've definitely been humming it in my head quite a bit.
Dos Equis Douche? You have nothing on Hayden Fry, truly the most interesting person in the world.
Although I have a lot of respect for Chad Ochocinco for supporting It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, he really should have used the baby dick side of the towel.
This is the cheapest laughs I have gotten in quite a while, but it is well worth a look. Luke Babbit is now one of my five favorite basketball players.
For those morons who think that babies are cuter than puppies, here is just another reason that puppies reign supreme, they won't try to go all jihad on your ass.
Here is another reason that puppies are cuter than babies.
The babies vs. puppies debate is officially over.
For all the Regulators out there, here is an educational breakdown of everything that the song talks about. Also, even if you're not a Regulator, please don't be a buster, or the 563 will regulate.
P.S. Although I wasn't a big fan of the first episode, I decided to stick with it, and it just got better and better. Of course, I'm talking about Italian Spiderman. This link goes to episode one, but I have embedded episode three, because the special effects are absolutely mind-blowing. If you like overweight, chain smoking, women punching, orgy filled superheroes, then this is the action hero for you.
If this whole writing thing doesn't work out, there is no reason that I can't become an Italian Superhero.
P.P.S. I almost forgot about the Strikeforce fights this weekend. I'll take King Mo, Bobby Lashley, KJ Noons, and Tim Kennedy in the upset over Jacare.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The first one, I remember jumping around like a mad man, and the second one still gives me chills. This is what makes sports fun. That and getting ridiculously wasted while watching your favorite team.
Am I a perfect fan? No, I am not. I have turned my back on the Cubs for two years before finally relenting and embracing them as my team again this year. I was pushed to my limits by that team when every time I picked a favorite player, they traded them away. Glenallen Hill, Juan Cruz, Jason DuBois, and finally Michael Wuertz, it was just too much for me. Still, no matter how hard I tried, I could never pick a different favorite team, I just kept finding flaws with them, because deep down, I knew that if I was going to suffer, I wanted it to be with the Cubs. It is tough for me to expose my flaws like this, but I need to be honest with my readers, and I need to be honest with myself. I've made mistakes, but I'm certainly not as bad as others.
Sure there are those assholes who sit on Mt. Pious and look down on sports fans, but their only problem is that they don't get it. At least they realize that. There are others who don't get it, but don't understand that they don't get it. I'm sure you've seen them around, probably wearing a Red Sox or Yankees cap. Right after the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, Red Sox hats multiplied by about 100 in Iowa City. Iowa City, hotbed of Red Sox Nation, but not really, just a hotbed of fair weather assholes. In the month after the World Series, my buddy KFol walked up to anybody wearing a Red Sox cap and had this exchange:
KFol: Hey man, awesome Red Sox hat.
Dude: Thanks man.
KFol: Yeah, I saw you buying that at Hat World last week.
Dude: (Stunned silence, thinking that maybe KFol had seen him buying the hat)
It never stopped being awesome.
Still, as bad as those fair weather fans are, there is actually a brand new hybrid that I didn't know existed until working out in Seattle. There are people who do the absolute unthinkable and like rival colleges for different sports. I worked with a person who somehow claimed not to be a fair weather fan, but liked USC Football and UCLA Basketball. I believe he was a Yankees fan too, he probably likes Spain or Netherlands for soccer (I honestly can't remember who won the World Cup, whoops), and he's probably a die-hard Saints fan. That would be like me saying that I like Iowa for wrestling and football, and I like Iowa State for...um, Agriculture? Maybe that's not the best example, but you get the point. Not even picking and choosing colleges, but picking sports from colleges that are direct rivals. Where does it stop? These are the type of people that like Canada's hockey and USA's Basketball. Iraq's desert and Florida's beaches. German's cars and Jew's movies. No civilized person would do this, it could only come from low-life mouth breathers.
Hey, maybe McCaffery's Mack Daddies and Bluder's Bitches aren't the top teams in the nation, but I'm certainly not going to switch my basketball allegiances to any rival of my beloved Hawkeyes. This is an unforgivable sin in the world of fandom, and I believe it should be punished by death, well, probably not death, but certainly extreme ridicule.
So be a fan, and get depressed when your team loses, and get way WAY too happy when your team wins, not because it's important, but because it's fun. Just don't be a fair weather douchebag, because you will be seen as a pariah in society and shunned for your extreme gayness (not in the homosexual way, but in the bad at sports way).
P.S. Sorry about not writing much lately, I really thought the Apocalypse might be coming when Jose Canseco did this in his first at bat in his return to baseball.
The first pitch, it looked like the pitcher rolled the ball to the plate out of fear. The second pitch fooled Canseco, or did it? I think Jose was just playing opossum. And then he crushes the third pitch out of the park. Not only that, but it looked pretty clear that he still has that 40-40 speed while rounding the bases. And if you haven't been following, he's already hit his second homer. If a team signs him and Mark Prior, I will immediately turn my back on the Cubs and have a new favorite team.
Monday, August 16, 2010
JoseCanseco It is true I got evicted everything has gone incredibly wrong since I wrote the book juiced.I am now the modern day frankenstein
You want to talk about somebody bringing their A-Game to start the weekend, that's what Jose does right here. He starts it off by answering a question that nobody asked. Jose, I never asked you if you got evicted, so you don't need to pronounce the truthfulness if your statement before making it. Jose seems surprised that he got evicted, but considering that Jose has worked about as much as me in the last nine months, it would make sense that he got evicted. Come on Jose, if you want to live on your own and not have a job, you've got to live with your parents for two years so you can save up cash. Everybody knows that.
JoseCanseco Mlb has gone out of there way to distroy my life and they have succeded.I didn't realize how powerful they are till now.
It would be petty of me to point out his misspellings, because destroy and succeeded are two multi-syllable words, so we'll give him a pass on it. Let's focus on the message. Canseco recognizes the power of MLB as Major League Baseball has chosen to destroy Jose Canseco's life. It's a good thing that MLB is in a peaceful labor situation right now. If not, I imagine this meeting would happen:
Bud Selig: What are we going to do about this labor dispute?
Top Ranking Official: Well, Johnson and Smith are our best men. If we could get them working on it, we could get it taken care of in no time.
Bud Selig: You know that's not possible, they're still working on destroying Jose Canseco's life. We must keep our priorites straight. We'll get the Phillie Phanatic and the San Diego Chicken to take care of these less pressing issues.
(And yes, I do believe that the San Diego Chicken and Phillie Phanatic are the number three and four best people MLB has)
JoseCanseco I have lost everything. Makes you wanna cry but there's no crying in baseball.and my dad said men don't cry but he was wrong
This would seem to be the end of Jose's humor as MLB has finally defeated him, but never count out Jose Canseco, because he will stick it to you (Get it? It's a steroids joke).
JoseCanseco Someone should do a show called form the penthouse to the garage
At first I thought there was a typo, and he meant from the penthouse to the garage, but then Aaron Gleeman from Hardball Talk brought up that "Form The Penthouse to the Garage" would be an awesome show. I have to agree. I imagine a lot of people have Penthouses away from their garage and would love it if those two could be formed together to make a Penthouserage. Jose might be back on his feet if this idea takes off.
JoseCanseco I will play softball for food. Lol
Hell yeah, Jose will never stop making jokes, jokes so good that he has literally made himself laugh out loud. I sure hope somebody takes him up on the offer. I also hope that Stadium Club considers giving him a spot on the team for Snowbird Softball.
JoseCanseco I had to give away one of my dogs that broke my heart cause I love animals and I am surprised my girlfriend hasn't left me because I have 0
Is there anything coming up more exciting than Jose Canseco's girlfriend dumping him? Clearly, this is going to happen, and I don't think it's too far off. And once it does, the tweets are going to be off the chain. I also expect that this will directly lead to Jose and I becoming best friends...forever. This blog is going to be 1000 times cooler when I can write about me and my good chum Jose Canseco, palling around and scoping some strange. Jose finally took a break from Tweeting for a little bit, but he came back, and he came back strong.
JoseCanseco First of all tmz is lieing I shop at marshalls
Most disappointing part about this tweet was that it did not start an epic list of things that he needed the world to know. The second most disappointing thing was when I went to TMZ to see the story of "Jose Canseco Does Not Shop at Marshall's," I was unable to find it. In fact, TMZ hasn't had a story involving Jose Canseco since he wore a really tight shirt. That story was like a year ago. But just in case you read the imaginary story saying that Jose does not shop at Marshall's, don't worry about it, that imaginary story is lying. Jose's just like us, looking for great threads at great prices, don't let anything in Imaginationland make you think differently.
JoseCanseco I am sleeping in someones garage but its pretty good
I wonder if that person has been able to form his penthouse to the garage yet. I bet that's Jose's job instead of paying for rent.
JoseCanseco Yes I did sign with the laredo broncos I miss and love the game will be with them on monday
And despite MLB's best efforts, Jose Canseco is back, playing the game that he loves. Yes, it's independent ball, but it's not for the money, it's for the love of the game. Jose has been looking into becoming a manager, maybe he could be player-manager for Laredo. Jose, your star shines bright. You are a true (Cuban) American hero.
P.S. Kenny Powers also tweets, this is what he had to say:
KFUCKINGP If you're not wasted, the fucking day is.
P.P.S. I really wish one of my friends was a Raiders fan, because this would be the ultimate slap in the face gift for them. At only $3, it would also make a pretty awesome fantasy football trophy.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Although many of you may have seen this already, this simultaneously gives me chills and pumps me up enough to put my head through a wall.
Do you want to see cool personified? Sorry to the Matt Melloy fans out there, but here it is.
I am definitely going to sing this song if I have a child. I doubt the doctors will find it nearly as amusing as I will.
Well, I guess I don't have to write this chapter in my quintessential guide to seducing women, because Batman already took care of it.
Finally, here is an article about brand new Hall of Famer, Scottie Pippen. Pippen was always my favorite player growing up, and I still think he's underrated by a lot of people because he played with Jordan. His season when Jordan retired is one of the greatest seasons that nobody recognizes in NBA history. He led the Bulls in points, assists, and steals, while being second in rebounds and blocks. Unfortunately the article does not touch on his cameo in the hit movie, Midgets vs. Mascots, but no writing is perfect.
P.S. I will not be making any picks for Strikeforce's Women's tournament tonight. Sorry for those who were looking forward to that.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Never buy women drinks. Let me repeat that, never e-e-ever buy women drinks. As I have said numerous times, women are only after your money. You have to make them earn your money instead of just handing it off to any broad with a cute smile and a low-cut shirt. I know that I am a man, and therefore, I am the true catch of the evening. All day, I hunt for the words to make a perfect blog post, so when I go out at night, I expect to sit back, relax, and let the ladies impress me in any way that they can. Buying them drinks is never on my agenda.
The woman should invest in the man, because, let's face facts, I'm going to be the long-term breadwinner of the family. Yesterday, I made $1.23 off the blog's advertisements. That's pittance, yet I'm pretty sure Oprah was the only woman to make more money than me yesterday. A woman needs to use all of her pathetically low income to seduce men, because they're going to need somebody to support them when they obviously can't fend for themselves.
Let's look at a real life example to help illustrate my point. Sports agents give up front cash to athletes to help them sign them, because it is an investment that they believe will be far more lucrative in the future. An agent can give Reggie Bush a house, because he knows he will make that money back and then some in the future. It is the same thing with women. They need to invest in us, so that we are stuck supporting them later on.
Let's face it, we do get stuck once we get locked down in commitment. Women's value peaks in their early 20s. Men peak at the very last second that they are alive. Our value only increases with age as we are a fine wine, and women are Milk, as they're usually only good for about two weeks.
So next time you go out to the bar, don't bother bringing extra cash to impress women, bring no cash, and let the ladies impress you.
P.S. Chris Chambers has shown me that true love does exist.
P.P.S. Had this existed when I went to school, there is no doubt that I would have pushed myself twice as hard in my classes.
P.P.P.S. I'm pretty sure this is Barleycorn's (I could be completely off on this since I have only been there when I was extremely intoxicated), and I'm pretty sure this guy is West Coast Dancing ridiculously close to the spot that I first busted out my karate moves. Bravo sir, bravo.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I grew up on Madison Street, the next street over was Sturdevant; Sturdevant was a bunch of assclowns compared to the awesomeness that lived on Madsion Street. This is just a fact.
Going through school, I hated every other school around me. When I went to Holy Family, I hated every other elementary school out there, especially JFK; when I went to Williams, I hated every other middle school out there, especially Walcott; and when I went to West, I hated every other high school in the MAC, especially Assumption (the uppity private school).
Growing up in Davenport, I hate every other member of the Quad Cities. Bettendorf is the pathetic little sister of Davenport. Rock Island will get you shot. Moline is the most boring place in the universe, and East Moline is barely a city. I try to avoid these cities at all costs, because they are hellholes compared to the paradise that is Davenport, Iowa.
Even looking at the state of Iowa, I hate nearly every city that you could mention. I mean, really, if somebody mentions Sioux City, who doesn't think that prison would be a better option than having to live in that cesspool?
Being from Iowa, I hate every state surrounding me. Minnesota should just be made a Canadian province, nobody will miss it. Illinois shouldn't even be able to count Chicago, because every other inch of that state is full of scumbags and unsavory women. Nebraska is the dullest state around, and their ladies have definitely earned the term Omahogs. Missouri? Really? Missouri is the worst place on Earth. We should do all nuclear testing in Missouri without warning the citizens of Missouri to leave. Nothing good has ever come out of Missouri. I actually looked up a list of famous people from Missouri and couldn't find one person worth saving. You'll notice I have not mentioned South Dakota or Wisconsin. Both of them are neutral. I don't know why they have avoided my hatred, but South Dakota doesn't matter enough for me to hate and Wisconsin is really an alright place.
Being from the USA, you know what two countries I hate? Mexico and Canada. There is no logical reason for me to hate these countries, but since they border us, I naturally hate them. Canada brags about their universal health care, but it's a shithole. Every great Canadian moves to the USA, look at Wayne Gretzky, Pamela Anderson, and Chris Jericho, all proud to make their homes in the greatest country of all. With Mexico, I just assume everybody wants to rape or murder me, and their water isn't even drinkable. I wish we would all stop recognizing them as a country, and burn them out like we did to David Koresh. In the words of Ricky Stanzi, "Love it or leave it, these colors don't run, USA number one!"
I know there's no proof of extraterrestrial lifeforms, but if there was, I'd hate them. They could all be thoroughbred dimepieces who were DTF, but I'd still hate them. If you ain't an Earthling, you ain't shit.
I can nearly guarantee that 90% of the people who read this completely agree. If not, you don't have a soul. I'm just sayin.
P.S. This is the coolest comic book about guys who use steroids ever.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Although this blog is usually hate-filled with things that bother me and should bother you, today, I am switching it up again and bringing the love. When you think of reality television stars, it's extremely difficult to think of anyone having success outside of that show. Seriously, unless they were a celebrity coming into the show or it was The Ultimate Fighter, nobody has built on their status after the world of reality television.
That remains true with the person that I am going to talk about today, because she was not in reality television, she was in a reality movie. Laura Ramsey starred along 15 other young adults in the cinematic masterpiece, The Real Cancun. This was a project for MTV to break into the big screen, and it was an unmitigated disaster. It absolutely bombed at the box office, and I must admit that I am partially to blame for this. I'm not sure how it happened, but I decided I'd watch the movie just to see how bad it was. It's amazing. It's easily the most entertaining documentary ever made, and it got absolutely robbed for not winning an Academy Award. So, please, go watch this movie.
The reason I love Laura Ramsey is that she went into this movie as a simple girl from Wisconsin looking for a good time, was in a total clunker of a reality movie, and somehow moved out to LA and made a career for herself. Just a year later, she had a feature role on some show called "The Days". Unfortunately, that show lasted all of six episodes.
But somehow, she kept making a career out of it and was in the movie, "Lords of Dogtown". I know people who have seen this movie, so I guess that being in it is an impressive accomplishment. I did not notice that she was making an acting career until I saw this trailer.
At first, I obviously wasn't able to recall why the Olivia character was so familiar, but then I looked it up on IMDB, and my mind was blown.
Honestly, that is the only movie that I have ever seen her in, although she has been in a lot of other movies. I also did see her in an episode of Mad Men, where I again thought she looked familiar without knowing who she was until I looked it up.
Laura Ramsey is attractive, but I am in no way in love with her in the obsessive stalker type way and could really care less about her attractiveness. The reason I love her is that I feel this is the greatest success story that is never told. She didn't even have successful reality foray, but she somehow got past that, hopes that nobody remembers her from it, and has moved on to have a very respectable career that seems to still be growing. This is the most unfathomable success story ever, and that is why she joins the illustrious heights of Jose Canseco by being loved by this blog. Congratulations Laura.
P.S. I really could have used this site when I was drunk at the theaters watching Walk Hard and Mean Girls, although I timed my pee break at Mean Girls pretty well. Still a great site to look into when planning on being drunk at the movie theaters.
P.P.S. This article is an excellent read on the subject of steroids in baseball and will hopefully limit how stupid people are when talking about the issue.
P.P.P.S. I'm still slightly depressed about the Chael Sonnen loss.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Ben Saunders over Dennis Hallman - I think Saunders uses his size to keep the fight standing and picks him apart.
Tim Boetsch over Todd Brown - Brown is a last second replacement, so I think he'll lose.
Stefan Struve over Christian Morecraft - Struve is too dangerous in too many areas for Morecraft.
Johny Hendricks over Charlie Brenneman - Unless Mark Perry comes in with a Brenneman mask on, Hendricks will take this one.
Phil Davis over Rodney Wallace - Even though Phil Davis claims he is Mr. Wonderful, he is no Paul Orndorff, but he's still good enough to beat Wallace.
Rick Story over Dustin Hazelett - This is one of the toughest fights to pick, but I'll go with Story since Hazelett has had a really long layoff, and I think Story can grind out a decision.
And now onto the main card.
Clay Guida vs. Rafael dos Anjos - Dos Anjos has been on a quiet three fight winning streak. He is very good on the ground, so he is definitely a dangerous fighter. Unfortunately, I think Guida is going to be too much for him. Dos Anjos last loss was against Tyson Griffin, and I could see this fight looking a lot like that one where Guida is able to control dos Anjos and impose his will on him. Guida has a crazy fast pace, and it will be extremely hard for the Brazilian to keep pace with him. Clay Guida via Unanimous Decision.
Matt Hughes vs. Ricardo Almeida - A lot of the MMA experts seem to be immediately discounting Hughes' chances of winning this fight. I wouldn't discount him so fast. In the last nine years, Hughes has only lost to BJ Penn, GSP, and Thiago Alves. Yes, he is getting older, but his standup did look improved when he fought Renzo Gracie (who is admittedly not the best barometer for judging someone's striking). Hughes' ground game has always been underrated, because the reason he was so great at ground and pound was because he was also great at avoiding submissions. With that being said, Almeida is going to be a tough fight. Almeida has an excellent ground game, and even with Hughes' submission defense, he can definitely still cause problems on the ground. Let's face it, against the top of the weight class, Hughes really can't hang anymore, but it doesn't mean he's completely washed up either, and I think Hughes can take this fight. Matt Hughes via Unanimous Decision.
Roy Nelson vs. Junior dos Santos - Dos Santos seems to be the chosen one to challenge for the heavyweight title after Velasquez fights Lesnar. He has excellent standup skills and does a good enough job of takedown defense that he hasn't had to worry about his ground game. He trains with a lot of very good grapplers, so it should at least be solid for the heavyweight division. Roy Nelson is the fat guy, and he would admit that himself. He also probably knows that even though Dana White announced this as a #1 contender's match, he is not supposed to be the guy who ends up victorious. He's solid in every aspect, and very good at jiu jitsu from the top control where he has really learned to use his belly to his advantage. Although he isn't the prototypical build, people shouldn't immediately discount him. On paper, dos Santos wins this fight, but it's not fought on paper, and that is why I am going for the upset. I mean if Fedor can lose, I certainly think Junior dos Santos can lose. Roy Nelson via 1st Round Submission.
Thiago Alves vs. Jon Fitch - Jon Fitch is the ultimate grinder. He hasn't finished a fight in over three years. He isn't flashy in any way, and it looks like he struggles for everything that he gets, but against everyone not named GSP, he finds a way to get what he wants nonetheless. Thiago Alves is a much flashier fighter, and he's probably the biggest welterweight in the weight class. If Alves keeps the fight standing, he should be able to take out Fitch on the feet. Alves manhandled a guy I consider a better wrestler in Josh Koscheck, so it would seem that this would have a good chance of happening. But I don't think it does. Koscheck fought a stupid fight where he wanted to stand far more than he wanted to go to his wrestling. I think Fitch does what he needs to do to win this fight, but I don't think he finishes him. Jon Fitch via Unanimous Decision.
Chael Sonnen vs. Anderson Silva - Before I break down this fight, let's check out some video that will help everyone make their decision.
Yeah, so Chael Sonnen may have lost his mind. And I absolutely love it. He accused Lance Armstrong of giving himself cancer on a radio show and the next day said he has never said a thing about Lance Armstrong. This guy is so batshit crazy, he makes girls look sane. He is a huge underdog in this fight, but you could never convince him of that.
Do you hear that? That must be Anderson Silva walking into a room, because I can actually hear a rat piss on cotton. In the second video, Chael Sonnen says he has never lost a second of any fight that he has been in. He's lost TEN times. The third video is the best, but I can't even get into the awesomeness of how awesome it's awesomisity is.
Does Chael Sonnen being a sociopath worry me? Of course it does. Does it excite me? Hell yes it does. Chael Sonnen will not give up in this fight. Against Anderson Silva, that usually wouldn't mean much, because Silva destroys everybody, but Sonnen is the perfect style matchup against Anderson Silva. Silva has fought one good wrestler in the UFC when he fought Dan Henderson. Henderson took him down and dominated him in the first round. Then he did what Dan Henderson does and just fought however he wanted to fight instead of sticking to his gameplan. Because of this, he got knocked silly and then choked out.
Chael Sonnen is here to win and he is going to impose his will in this fight. He's not going to mess around and stand with Silva; he's going to shoot in for a takedown and pound on him. I don't see why he can't be successful doing this. It would be irresponsible on my part if I didn't bring up Anderson Silva's black belt in jiu-jitsu, or the fact that he does have very dangerous elbows even with his back on the mat. The jiu-jitsu worries me a lot less than the elbows. Nate Marquardt is also a black belt, and he didn't threaten Sonnen with submissions. His elbows are a weapon, and I think that if Sonnen does fight smart, they are his key to keeping his title. People do stupid stuff when taking hard elbows to the dome, and it's a good way for Silva to set up an armbar or triangle attempt. But Chael Sonnen is my guy, and that is why he will be the new UFC Middleweight Champion. Chael Sonnen by 3rd Round TKO.
P.S. This is only for extreme nerds, but if you love the NFL Draft anywhere near as much as I do, here is a great spot to check out some of the prospects highlights from 2009 games. Also, here is the Adrian Clayborn highlight from the Georgia Tech game. Good luck not getting at least a half-chub from watching this, even you ladies.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
There is also the assumption that by seducing one lesbian, you have also seduced her girlfriend (Because in most guys' minds, lesbians ALWAYS have girlfriends), and this will lead to a threesome. I really don't think that's how it works, and it'd be much easier to work on bisexuals. Bisexuals interest me, as I feel there is a much higher percentage for the ultimate sexual conquest.
But today, I am going to talk about the uninteresting side of things and have a blog post dedicated to lesbians. Since normal lesbians are boring, I had to find more interesting lesbians. Although the details are not important, I know people who are going to be involved in a blind lesbian wedding (they aren't the blind lesbians). If you're anything like me, then when you hear a term like "blind lesbian wedding" your mind goes 1000 miles per hour in 1000 different directions.
Let's start at the beginning. How do blind ladies decide that they don't like men and that they are more interested in women? This is a topic that requires depth meaning that if I decided to jump into this, I would probably say something offensive. With that being said, I'm going to jump into this topic. Since my blog has yet to be converted to Braille, I feel no imminent danger. I can understand blind ladies switching from dudes to women. My basic reasoning for this is that I would not date a blind woman. I work hard to have a great body, and it would go to waste if the lady I was intimate with couldn't enjoy the visual stimulation that my body provides. My secondary thought is that I really can't imagine a blind person having a great body. I don't think they're all obese, but I don't think anybody gets in shape just to be healthy. There's always some level of vanity involved (in my case, it's 99% vanity, 1% health). So, since blind people are settling for ground beef instead of the prime rib, why not go for somebody who you can have more of a bond with who is on that same level as you? After breaking it down, I feel like blind people being homosexuals makes a lot of sense.
The next interesting part is that they are both blind. My exposure to blind people is equivalent to my exposure to radioactive waste. I'm sure I've had some, but nothing stands out in my mind. The obvious question is if they exclusively date blind women. I am going to assume that they did not exclusively date blind women before finding each other. It just seems too hard to be that ultra-specific in finding a mate, because really, how many blind lesbians are there in a certain area? At first, them finding each other seems like it would be a one-in-a-million chance, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. There are single mixers for every type of human being. Jews find Jews, furries find furries, so it only makes sense that blind lesbians should be able to find other blind lesbians. As the cinematic masterpiece, Coyote Ugly, taught me, "You can't fight the moonlight."
Finally, let's go into the wedding itself. Weddings are a very visual experience. The ladies get dolled up in dresses, dudes wear suits, it's a fancy occasion for your eyes. From what the television has taught me, lesbians do some non-traditional things like wear business suits to their weddings. No big deal, to each their own. My first thought was that there was no way they shouldn't just hit up K-Mart or even the Salvation Army to get their attire. They're blind so why does it matter? After thinking about it more, I feel that was a little short-sighted (Get it? Because they're blind). I don't see any reason why blind people can't let their vanity get in the way of a smart financial decision. Sure, they're not going to look good for each other, but they still want to look good for the people who can see. I still think decorations would be a total waste, because decorations pretty much are a waste for people who can see. Also, if you were talking to the blind couple, do you really want to be the person who is bold enough to say that the decorations are beautiful? That seems like I'd be shoving my 20-20 vision right in their face. So really, I'd skip the decorations.
On the other hand, I would have a buffet of ecstasy when it came to the food. It's the only crucial part of a wedding that the blind people can really enjoy, so I'd bet that their food is going to be off the hook. Blind people can use their entire decoration budget and put it towards the food. That alone would make their wedding awesome.
Finally, I'm going to blow everybody's mind one more time. Dancing. Dancing? I assume that lesbians dance, but do blind people? A lot of times, I'll find myself bobbing my head to the music that I am listening to. Is this a learned behavior or is this natural? I have no idea. Would blind people out on a dance floor be the most dangerous thing ever? Would it be the most hilarious? I'm not sure. But imagine it. I mean, really, close your eyes and imagine blind people dancing around. Are they carrying their walking sticks? Are they wearing sunglasses? All I know is that a blind person dancing would probably immediately vault them into being a West Coast Dance All-Star. With no concept of what your movement really looks like, their innovation would be unparalleled. I really hope their is dancing at this blind lesbian wedding.
So to all the lesbians out there reading this, your sexual life bores me, but if you're a blind lesbian, I will gladly attend your wedding for the awesome food that you are sure to have, and the West Coast Dancing that is sure to happen.
P.S. I felt like I could write this article, because nothing I could say could be nearly as offensive as what Chael Sonnen said.
P.P.S. If you need a reason to hate Kanye West, this should do it.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
White People - I would say they are the biggest wildcard of the bunch based just off race, but since I run across more white people than other races, I have been able to break it down. Old white people are generally friendly. Within that age group, the males tend to be friendlier than the females. This is disturbing in that I can only think that the old white women think that I am a guy who goes running to go looking for rape victims. I am not that guy, nor do I believe that guy exists. It's very tiring to run, so the person would probably be too tired to go for a rapin' when his legs are exhausted.
Middle-age people with their families are the least friendly people. They immediately try to protect their youth from the evil shirtless runner and do not ever give a courtesy nod. This is disappointing, but not their worst offense. If I am running on a city street, a family will never give the courtesy move over if they see me running. They take up the entire sidewalk, forcing me to hop into the uneven grass or possibly right into the street. This sucks, because I have no recourse for their actions. I can't stop and fight them, and if I give the stroller a karate kick while running by, all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy.
Meanwhile, lonely middle-aged people are quite friendly for the most part. The lonelier their eyes look, the nicer they usually are, because they're just looking for a friend. I like running by lonely people. This is especially true when dealing with bummies, as bummies are extremely friendly to runners. I treat them like any other person on the street, and I believe they appreciate my kind eyes.
Young people are kind of a crapshoot. The males are usually very unfriendly. I think this might be because I am shirtless and they are jealous of my body. Females are very interesting as some are unwilling to look at me at all, and some ladies give me seductive smiles while I pass by. Again, this goes back to my bodacious bod, as some ladies are too intimidated to even make eye contact with such a specimen, as other, more confident girls, are hoping to get themselves a piece of this. In all cases, I completely understand.
Black People - They are without a doubt the friendliest people that I have run into on the streets. It doesn't matter what age, sex, or what their level of loneliness is, they are almost always friendly when I am running. I think this could be a confidence issue as black people generally seem to be more sure of themselves in neutral situations. White people like to have the upper hand in situations, but black people seem to believe in themselves no matter what the outside circumstances are. And unlike old white ladies, they probably realize that a skinny white boy going for a run probably isn't a threat to them.
Asians - They are almost always extremely passive yet respectful. They won't really give you a smile, but they'll acknowledge you exist without trying to cause any sort of confrontation. I'm pretty indifferent towards their behavior.
Hispanics - Very similar to the Asians in that they are very passive, but they don't have as friendly as eyes as the Asians do. It also doesn't help that a guy driving a truck nearly hit me on my latest run on Saturday night. They lost big points there.
And that has been my highly scientific study on how different races, ages, and sexes react to a sexy runner. Basically, to round this all up, I hate white families, and love black people.
P.S. I just finished watching the movie, "How to Make Love to a Woman." Holy shit, it was poorly written, poorly acted, had limited attractive people, do not watch this movie. It's not epically bad, but it really doesn't have one redeeming quality to save it.
Monday, August 2, 2010
To start off, we're only two minutes in, and Pauly D is already bringing it. He informs us that in the snowy winters, you cannot get a tan, which I figured, but he also tells us that you can’t even creep in this weather. Yo, I gots to creep.
Holy shit, Snooki has a boyfriend name Emilio. I really wish it was Rogelio, that was my little when I was a Big in Big Brothers Big Sisters.
I’m not gonna lie, seeing The Situation and Pauly D back on TV makes me happy. Their methods of Beating Up The Beat make them true West Coast Dancers.
We have Vinny, who is really the easiest to like on the show for everyone, but he is completely non-consequential. I could die my hair black and easily replace him. For fuck’s sake, he doesn’t even tan.
Something I am sure that I was one of the few people to notice, how about one of Vinny’s uncles trying to get facetime by screaming about how much he loved him as he drove away?
Clearly he is hoping he can snag some 50 year old piece of trash with that cameo on MTV.
Angelina claimed that Situation and Pauly D were going to Miami, so she decided she was going to Miami. That’s such a blatant lie. That’d be like me hearing LeBron decided to move to Miami, so I will also move to Miami. It shouldn’t be a problem, because I already know somebody down there.
So MTV clearly gave everyone the opportunity to drive down to Miami. They gave Pauly D and Snooki vehicles for their drive, but come on MTV, show some class. They have to drive all the way down to Miami, and you won’t get them a Hybrid or an Electric Car. Think about the environment. I immediately like everyone who flew to Miami less which isn't hard, because it's all the lame characters. Also, watching The Situation and Pauly D was far more entertaining than watching Snooki and J-Woww. If I were a girl, I would really be pissed at God for making me weaker and far less entertaining than males. Luckily, I am of the stronger and more entertaining sex.
Things I would never do if on an MTV show, share a room with a broad. Things a broad would never do if on an MTV show, share a room with me. It works out well for both parties. If she tried, I’d just fart her out.
If you see this sign anywhere you go, it immediately means this person is a douchebag.
It’s not a clever sign, and I don’t fault MTV for having it, because it entertains their masses, but douchebags will get this sign, and if you see it, run for your life, you might be iced soon.
I did enjoy Pauly D talking to the cab company and reserving the cabs under Pauly D, also known as DJ Pauly D, I think I could say Joe, also known as Hott Joe.
Ronnie called Sammi the C-Word; that word will always make me laugh.
Grenades=larger ugly chicks, landmines=skinny ugly chicks. Good to know, although I do feel it should be the other way around. Landmines are stuck in the ground, like fat people, while you can throw grenades, and you certainly aren't going to be able to throw a fatty.
But the end of the episode ultimately showed what will ruin this show.
Have I gotten up on stages when I shouldn’t have? Every chance I get. But I am immediately kicked off, because I’m a regular guy. The cast of Jersey Shore's celebrity status is what makes this show far less captivating. Celebrities can get hot chicks with no game, regular guys can’t. Jersey Shore is a lot like Entourage, the struggle is what makes the show actually good (Hence, Entourage is terrible these days). With no struggle, it’s really a boring show, and although the first episode wasn’t bad, I really don’t think there’s much to look forward to.
I’ll still be watching religiously.
P.S. I am seriously thinking about getting me a pair of K-Swiss Tubes, because Kenny Powers endorses them. Nice job, K-Swiss. Also, this video is awesome in every way.