Thursday, January 6, 2011

How the Man With the Golden Voice Made Me Hate the World

I’m sure you have all seen the homeless man with the golden voice.  It’s a cute story, and after seeing Ted Williams, he seems like a guy who is overwhelmed by this whole situation, as he should be.  Ted, although you do not deserve what has been given to you, my beef is not with you.  You took advantage of an opportunity, nothing wrong with that. 
From his Wikipedia page, I learned that he has nine children, lost his job doing voiceovers due to a drug and alcohol addiction from 1996-2008, and has a laundry list of criminal charges.  Basically, this guy was on his way, had a family to support, and he fucked it all up.  Then he tried stealing from others instead of getting a job.  Does this sound like somebody that should be commended? 

But that’s what is happening.  This man is being celebrated all across the country.  He was offered a job AND A HOUSE from the Cavaliers, and he’s still mulling over the offer.  As mad as this made me, I was about to get a whole lot angrier.

I decided to go to the website  That was a bad idea.  Let’s look at the assclowns who posted on this website:

Doug Geiger says:
Ted, I have watched your video several times and each time I am moved, not by your hardships but by your strength. Quicken Loans is a phenomenal family and I would to hear that you joined it!
His strength?  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.  Sure, he overcame addiction, but he’s the reason he got addicted in the first place.  Hey, I’m happy he’s healthy again, but think about this.  You wouldn’t call me brave if I set my house on fire and managed to escape the house before it burned to the ground, you’d call me a fucking moron.  And after getting through the addiction, he battled back to…be a bummy on the side of the road.  Sorry if I don’t feel like congratulating Ted for his amazing accomplishment. 

Carl Larson says:
What an amazing story. We need you Ted!
If you think being a bummy is an amazing story, you should walk through downtown Seattle, you will shit your pants in glee as you see hundreds of amazing stories, laying on the side of the road, drunk, covered in pee, and requesting your money.  Sorry if I’m not impressed. 

Heather Reed says:
WOW!! You are so amazing. As i was getting ready for work this moring I was watching the Today Show and saw you. As i sat there with my 9 year old son and he asked who is that and i said that is One Amazing person who will go far in life with the help of God! You are truly an insperation to the world and We here at Quicken Loans and Cavs need someone like you!!! We need and most of all Want to have you in Our Family!! We Want You TED!!!!
A good rule of thumb when judging if a person is smart is the inverse relationship between intelligence and how many exclamation points they use.  I'm guessing at Heather's intelligence level, she is unable to have sharp things in the house.  I don’t like to get too harsh with strangers, but this woman is truly an awful parent.  Look at what she is teaching her son.  At nine years old, that boy realized that his dream should be to be a panhandler on the mean streets of Cleveland. After a little while, most people would know that this was not  good idea, but this little boy will keep panhandling away, because he knows he'll go far in life because of God.  This little boy will know that God cannot be bothered with small issues like Duchenne (who my friend Clay Matthews has been telling me about) when he can be making bummies dreams come true.

Listen, the announcing business is one of the toughest to get into.  I know as I have seen people struggle their way through while working in minor league baseball.  People who actually want to catch a break get an internship and work their ass off.  Maybe if everything works out, a minor league team will give them a low-paying full-time job.  Instead, this guy stands on the side of the road and let’s an amazing job (and house) with a professional team drops into his lap.  He should not be commended for this.  We have become a society that no longer appreciates hard work.  Instead, we not only promote the people who take shortcuts in life, we admire them.    

In completely unrelated news, I’ll be out by the Jordan Creek Mall with a sign reading, “Man With The Golden Laptop Will Write For Food.”  I can’t wait for my own TV Series.


P.S.  Bravo, Quicken Loans.  Every post on is just building up Quicken Loans as the best place to work ever.  They clearly sent out a company wide e-mail telling their employees to do post something, because I went through about 100 posts that were put up between 8:15-8:33.  This was actually a really good marketing strategy, as they knew the website would get hits, and people would read these comments.  I applaud them for exploiting the hiring of someone with fifteen minutes of fame into a great infomercial on why the best and the brightest should work in the Quicken Loans family.

P.P.S.   Here are two more posts that I put funny comments behind, but they really had nothing to do with Ted Williams.

brian baumann says:
this is the best company and family of company’s to work with. I have been a team member for 15yrs and could not imagine working for anyone else. I look forward to the next 50. Come aboard.
I honestly don’t have anything about Ted Williams here, but this guy just tried selling him on a company that he has worked at for 15 years, and plans on working the next 50.  Just think, after 65 years of working for this company, you’ll be able to afford your own funeral.  Congratulations Quicken Loans.

Angie says:
This is most certainly an amazing story. How often does this happen to someone? Everyday, Not!
I think Angie just saw the Borat movie and learned about “Not” jokes.  Nice job, Angie.  And yes, this post also has nothing to do with Ted Williams, but this is the only one that actually made me smile from their stupidity.

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