Thursday, January 20, 2011

How To Snag A Date For A Wedding

My friends are now to the points in their lives where they getting engaged and eventually marrying lovely young ladies.  I do not approve of any of these holy unions.  It's nothing against the ladies; I would just prefer that my friends remained completely irresponsible like me for as long as possible.

I have a pathetically low level of maturity.  An excellent example of this is when my buddy told me he was getting married on September 24.  Since I'm not a completely despicable person, the first thing I did was congratulate him.  But immediately after congratulating him, I looked up Iowa's football schedule hoping that they were on a bye week.  Unfortunately, they don't have a bye, but the fortunate thing is that they are playing Louisiana-Monroe, so I won't be missing out an epic tailgating weekend.

Since my dream of my friends and I all becoming International Playboys is quickly vanishing, I feel like it’s time for me to take that next step in my life.  Get married?  Oh God no, I’m not ready for a jet-fueled (not to mention completely ill-advised) leap, just a step in the right direction. 

What I’ve decided is that at the age of 26, I need to stop going stag to weddings. I came to this conclusion after listening to the most recent Daves of Thunder podcast where they were making fun of one of their buddies, because he was going to be the Best Man at a wedding, and didn't have a date.  Although I do not have the extra pressure of being the Best Man, I am a groomsman, so I do feel as though it's time to have a piece of eye candy on my arm at all times.

Since I won't be getting married, I have three options for securing a date for this wedding.  Let's break it down:

1.  Get A Girlfriend - This is the most conventional method of securing a date for a wedding.  Conventional methods always seem a little boring to me, and this is no exception.  It seems like a waste to wine and dine a broad to get a date for a wedding, because if she goes to the wedding, she'll be wined and dined at the reception.  If I could find a lady who would exclusively pay for me in exchange for letting her get frisky with my downstairs, then I think this could be an acceptable path.  But that seems unlikely (I doubt I'll find a lady with enough money to make it worth my while), so this is the plan that I am least likely to try when trying to secure a wedding date.

2.  Random Seduction - This is definitely my favorite plan of the three, but it takes an incredible combination of both game and timing.  The goal here is to meet a lovely young lady out and about and convince her to go to a wedding with me.  For someone as classically good looking like myself, this should not be an issue.  Where it gets tricky is that I need to wait off on this plan until two weeks before the wedding at the earliest.  Any earlier, and she might want to be taken out for an actual date, and pretty soon, I'd be all in on option one.  I certainly don't want that.  Some people may think it is unlikely for a classy young lady (I don't deal with trash) to go with a stranger to a wedding where she will know nobody in attendance.  I couldn't disagree more.  I'm a classy gentleman, and if a lovely young lass invited me to a wedding with the promise of free food and booze, I would go and be the life of the party.  This is the ideal situation, but it's always good to have a backup plan.  That is why we have option number three.

3.  Escort -
This is what escorts look like, right?

Let me be clear here, I want an escort, not a prostitute.  Escorts are classy, prostitutes are trash.  An escort is successful enough to afford classy drugs and fake breasts.  A prostitute can barely afford dentures and doesn't make her customers wear protection.  So, I would definitely go the route of escort, because I am classy.  This seems like a pretty ideal plan until you realize that it costs money to get a classy escort to go to a wedding with you.  Don't worry, I've already solved that problem.  I'm actually going to make my friends' girlfriends and wives pay for the escort.  How can I pull that off?  Easy.  Just tell them that they should test their mates by having this hired gun hit on their men.  Girls are insane so they will actually think this is a good idea.  Here's where my brilliance really pays off.  Best case scenario is that my buddies all cheat with the escort, and my friends and I all become International Playboys.  Worst case scenario is that these girls just paid for me to have sex with a high-class escort.  That's a win-win.

And that's how you snag a date for a wedding.

-Joe

P.S.  Anal breaths are the key to happiness:

P.P.S.  Jose Canseco has been challenging people to home run hitting contests, here's how his first one went:
Jose Canseco
Just had an amazing home run competition with the great jeff hall I may have hit 1 further than he did but he hit more home runs

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