Sunday, January 16, 2011

Jose Canseco's Health Advice

Jose Canseco truly is a renaissance man.  Although at first glance, he seems like a one-trick pony, that couldn't be further from the truth.  Within 30 seconds of any conversation with him, he'll let you know of his prowess on the baseball field.  Within 45 seconds, he'll let you know of his success with the ladies.  But if you manage to stay in a conversation with him for more than a minute, you'll learn more than you could have ever hoped for.  Today, let's go over Jose Canseco's tips on staying healthy.

Jose Canseco
You have to slow down the aging process from the inside out plastic surgery wont do it ladies
Me and Jose totally understand how stupid women can be sometimes.  Sorry ladies, but fresh boobs does not equal a fresh heart.   But fresh boobs will make you more attractive, which means a young stallion like myself will help you from the inside out (this is the part where I hear Andrew Dice Clay yelling "OH!" in my head).

Jose Canseco
I am working on totally legal anti aging products that actually do work will let you no final results soon
Jose has been teasing this for quite a while.  At first, he wouldn't even let us know what the product did, just that he was testing out a product.   At least we now know that is anti-aging products.  But what are the products?  The suspense is killing me. 

Jose Canseco
I have been testing a combination of legal products for several years now and so far the results are shocking,created fast reactive muscles
Ah, so it's a combination of products?  I'm still sticking by my assumption that somehow Cinnaomon Toast Crunch is heavily involved.  But apparently it needs to be supplemented by something else.  What could that be?
Jose Canseco
Did you no that eating alot of bananas makes you very strong
Holy shit.  Bananas, I should have known.  Be warned that I plan on going on cinnamon toast crunch and banana diet.  I want to warn everyone, because if you try to give me a high-five, I will probably dislocate your shoulder.  When I shake hands with people, it will shatter their bones.  Even my blinking will become a seismic event.  Seriously, don't mess with banana strength.

Jose Canseco
What weighs more a tone of feathers or a ton of bricks
Ooh, Ooh, I know this one.  A ton of bricks!  (Looks up answer) Damnit, they weigh the same.  I have been tricked by a superior wordsmith.  But that's the beauty of Jose.  He will not only help train your body, he will help train your mind.  You may have won this round Canseco, but I expect that we will compete in Tic-tac-toe, Connect 4, and other brain challenging games when you select me to write your third book.   I will have my revenge.

-Joe

P.S.  Jose has been really positive lately, but his brother Ozzie had a DUI this weekend, and it's really harmed his outlook on life:
Jose Canseco
Life is a train ride eventually it will wreck
P.P.S.  Let's end on a happy note and look at the greatness of Iowa State's student newspaper.  Although I certainly don't recommend it, this newspaper takes a pro-rape stance.  Since newspapers are a dying industry, I guess you have to do something to get people to read:

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