Sunday, January 30, 2011

My Hipster Habits

As I have made abundantly clear, I hate hipsters.  I hate the way they look, I hate the way they act, I hate the way they smell, and if I ever got drunk and made out with one of those hipster chicks, I'd probably hate the way they taste.

Here's a question:  Can you name three great things that hipsters have done?  Don't feel bad if you can't; it's a trick question, because hipsters have never produced anything worthwhile.

As despicable and disgusting those worthless pieces of shit are, I have to admit that I am not completely immune to the behaviors of hipsters.  Although I could bury my head in the sand and pretend these behaviors do not exist, I feel it is best to confront these issues head-on.  In the end, I hope that everyone will see that although my actions appear to be hipster behavior, they are driven by something much more pure, and the world will see that I have nothing in common with hipsters, as I am 100% awesome.

1.  Classic Basketball Jersey - For those unfamiliar, there is a growing fad among hipsters where they wear old school basketball jerseys.  These hipsters are referred to as hoopsters.  They look like this:
What a bunch of tools.  Yet, as I look in my closet, I cannot help but stop when I see that I have a Kevin Durant SuperSonics jersey.  Although the jersey is not that old, it is a jersey that will never be worn again by Durant.  So doesn't this make me a tool?  No, it does not, as Kevin and I worked together back in the day.  Due to the fact that we have a connection, this is completely acceptable behavior.  Under this rule, I could also wear a Sue Bird jersey with no repercussions (outside of being the only straight male with a WNBA jersey).

SCOREBOARD
Joe's Awesomeness - 1
Joe's Hipsterness - 0

2.  Obscure Music - I listen to a lot of obscure music.  This is a classic hipster, elitist move.  They push their obscure bands on the public and make fun of you for liking music that is played on the radio.  This is the great difference between hipsters and myself.  I have no problem with popular music, as I have even posted my love of some of the new country musicians out there.  Sure, I feel like Reckless Kelly, Eli Young Band, and Randy Rogers Band deserve more mainstream success, but I honestly don't give two shits what music anybody listens to.  My well-developed thoughts on music don't make me a hipster, they make me awesome.

SCOREBOARD
Joe's Awesomeness - 2
Joe's Hipsterness - 0

3.   Watching Bad Movies For Entertainment - This is something that I have primarily grown out of, as I now point out awful movies.  It was something that was much more prevalent during my college years, because it was either watch a bad movie or study, and no matter how bad a movie is, it's still better than studying.  And I was also exposed to surprisingly watchable movies like Adam & Evil (full of hot chicks and the immortal line of "Fo Sweeeet"), Scarecrow Gone Wild (Ken Shamrock's acting makes this movie worth watching), and The Real Cancun (if this was re-released today, it would open at #1 at the box office).  These movies were probably murdered by critics, but no one can deny that they are entertaining, and that makes them awesome.

SCOREBOARD
Joe's Awesomeness - 3
Joe's Hipsterness - 0

4.  Natural Light - Hipsters love to drink cheap beer, because, like most things, they find it ironic.  "Ooh, this beer is so terrible, how hilarious is it that we are drinking it."  I drink Natural LightI love Natural Light.  I don't drink it to be ironic.  I drink it because it's silky smooth, and I'm pretty sure it's scientifically impossible to dangerously drunk off of it.  It always leads to happiness.  Happiness isn't ironic.  It's just plain awesome. 

SCOREBOARD
Joe's Awesomeness - 4
Joe's Hipsterness - 0

5.  Thrift Shop Buys - Hipsters love thrift stores.  They can get ironic shirts, and irony is the only way to prove your social value in a group of hipsters.  I do not need irony with my thrift store buys, as I get awesome stuff like pro wrestling shirts and Chadron State (college of Danny Woodhead) hoodies.  But my crowning jewel of thrift shore shopping is my old school Hawkeye polo.  This polo is probably 25 years old, and it gets more and more awesome with each passing year.  But wearing something this old must be hipster behavior, right?  Wrong. I have gotten with chicks based solely on wearing this shirt.  Am I ashamed of that?  God no.  Since I can't always go to the dance floor, and I'll never try to impress ladies with money, this shirt is what I use when I want the ladies to come to me.  That definitely makes this a final point for awesome. 

SCOREBOARD
Joe's Awesomeness -5
Joe's Hipsterness - 0

So there you have it, a clean sweep.  Although at first glance, it may look like I act like a hipster in some ways, after a closer examination, it's clear to see that I'm Hott Joe, and I am awesome.

-Joe

P.S.  I know everyone is excited about the big game this weekend, and I feel like this is a pretty good preview.  My favorites are Jessie, Oliver, and Big Red, but when it comes to the Puppy Bowl, everyone's a winner.

P.P.S.  For all of you Jose Canseco haters, be warned.  Jose's comeback is nearly complete.  No, he hasn't been signed, but if any pitcher dares to slow toss him a ball while he uses a juiced up aluminum bat, he will CRUSH that ball 574 feet.

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