Friday, January 21, 2011

Why I Hate The Four Remaining NFL Playoff Teams

We've had a fun run this year, NFL, but with just three and a half games left (the Pro Bowl kinda counts), I have to say that no matter what happens in the next couple weeks, I am going to be left disappointed.  I find it impossible to root for any of the remaining teams.  They all have fatal flaws that have me rooting for them to choke on a goat's balls.

1.  Pittsburgh Steelers - I don't have a specific problem with anything about the team, it's really just Pittsburgh in general.  The citizens of this shithole call it Title Town.  I feel that there needs to be a rule that if you do not have all four major sports, you cannot come up with a cute nickname for your city's sports success.  If the River Bandits and Mallards won a title, I wouldn't call the QC Champ Cities, but morons might.  Plus, I've been to Pittsburgh, and it would more accurate if it was named Shittsburgh, because that place sucks. I really hope they lose this week.

2.  New York Jets - Mark Sanchez aggravates me.  It's not because he comes across as a jerk, I actually think he comes across as a pretty likable guy.  But I predicted he would suck in the NFL.  I predicted this, because he blew USC's season when John David Booty went down with an injury, hence killing JDB's draft stock.  Sanchez never impressed me as a QB in college, and he has been one of the worst QBs in the league during the regular season these past two years.  But somehow, when these playoffs come around, he is blessed by a plethora of magic pixie dust, and he can do no wrong.  I'm gonna be pissed if they win this week.

3.  Green Bay Packers - Packers fans are like AIDS, mentally handicapped people, the Holocaust, actually there's nothing as bad as Packers fans; they're the worst.  I wish I could come up with a way to insult them, but there is nothing that I can say that wouldn't offend whatever I was comparing them to.  Wait, I think I've got it, the Packers are like that Duchenne commercial, you go into it thinking you'll feel sorry for them, but they're so poorly put together and crammed down your throat that you just get pissed about their existence.  If Jesus truly died for our sins, the Packers will not win this week.

4.  Chicago Bears - Yes, I'm a Bears fan.  And no, I will not be happy if they win this week.  Let's get this part out of the way, you are not cool for all of a sudden hating Jay Cutler.  That bandwagon filled up a long time ago.  All these posers who complain about how unlikable Jay Cutler are a day late and a dollar short.  I didn't start hating Jay Cutler when he threw 65 interceptions last year; I didn't start hating him when the Bears acquired him; I didn't start hating him during his Bronco years; I didn't start hating him when he was overhyped for the draft; I started hating him when he was at Vanderbilt.  If this assclown wins the Super Bowl, will I have to admit that I was wrong about him?  No, because I will give 100% of the credit to my man, Mike Martz.  Still, people will tell me that I'm just being a jerk who can't admit I was wrong, but I'm right, and I know I'm right, therefore I will never admit I was wrong.  God, I hope this douchebag doesn't win the Super Bowl.

Yeah, despite my favorite team being one of the remaining four, a part of me will still be rooting against all of these teams.  Oh well, at least I have Iowa Basketball.

I'm fucked.

-Joe

P.S.  Here is another awesome article on Derrick Rose

P.P.S.  I'm easily amused so this horribly outdated image makes me laugh.
P.P.P.S.  This video is so American that it gave Ricky Stanzi 6 boners, and Jim Cornelison is giving a repeat performance this Sunday:

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