Sunday, February 6, 2011

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Walker Hayes's "Pants"

This is seriously what Walker Hayes looks like.

So when I first heard this song, I immediately got pissed.  With each successive listen, it has angered me more and more until I finally decided that I would show that song what's up by writing a scathing review on my blog.  My goal is not to get this song eliminated from the radio, but to make the people who listen to it, and have even the slightest inkling of acceptance for it, to feel nothing but shame and disgust with themselves.

For those of you who haven't heard this song, you're lucky.  For anyone who wants to suffer, here it is:

So, yeah, it sucks, but it's far to easy to definitively say that it sucks.  Together, I want us all to learn how badly it sucks, so let's break this down.

Well I've been a strong-willed son of a gun
Ever since I was suckin' my thumb 
He wants you to believe that he is past his thumb-sucking stage.  I'm guessing he has actually evolved.  Instead of sucking on his thumb, he's moved onto sucking something else.  It involves another guy, and I'll leave it at that.

But push came to shove
When I fell in love with my baby
Yeah my baby
God, this guy is such a wuss.

Well you could say she's overbearing
Meaning she's a bitch.

Matter fact she picked out the clothes that I'm wearing
Meaning you're a bitch.

And I can't go fishing
Without her permission
But I ain't complaining
We've got an arrangement
I stopped here, and I thought.  I thought deeply.  I looked within myself to see what arrangement it would take for this woman to have to give me permission to do something that I loved (Since I'm a man's man, I love watching violence, whether it be violent movies like Commando or Road House, or violent sports like football or MMA).  I imagined the hottest woman in the world offering me her body in any way that I wanted in exchange for a violence free week from me.  I decided it would not be worth it.  Even if I had no game, and this was my best chance at hot box, I would still not trade in my love of violence.  You know why?  Because I am a man.  Anything less would be uncivilized.

She can wear the pants
She can run the show
She can crack a whip
Like Indiana Jones
This clown apparently likes dominatrix shit.  This guy is such a jabroni.

She can rule the roost
She can snap and holler
She can wear the pants
Long as I can take 'em off her
Long as I can take 'em off her
Think about how sad this is.  No, really, think long and hard about it.  This man is so desperate for sex that he is willing to pretty much give up everything that makes him a man just to get in this broad's pants.  This is a man who is so pathetic and stupid that she could probably convince him that castration was a good idea.  Honestly, I hope this is based on a true story; I hope that woman reads this blog, and I hope that woman listens to me.  This world's already got too many pussies around, so we need to make sure that this man is not allowed to procreate. 

At this point, I got too tired of even reading through the lyrics of the song.  I glanced, and it never led to him showing her that he had any semblance of manhood in him

But as I stated earlier, this post is not about getting this song erased from society as I know it is too late for that.  It is strictly to spread the word that no real man can enjoy this song.  Honestly, no real woman should enjoy this song, because no real broad wants a pussy, she wants a real man, and this song encourages the extinction of the real man. 

If you listen to this song and enjoy it, you are a pussy.  There’s no reason to sugarcoat it, you’re a pussy, what are you going to do about it?  Try to wear me out with feelings?  Guess what?  There’s only one feeling that matters, and that's pain.  The manliest feeling of all.


P.S.  For anybody who watched the UFC card this weekend, I'm sure we're all in agreement that Anderson Silva's punt of Vitor Belfort's face was awesome.  How could anyone learn such an awesome move?  That's a stupid question, because the answer is so obviously Steven Seagal.  Seriously.

P.P.S.  And everyone's in agreement about what the best Super Bowl Commercial was, right?  Let's face it, nobody stood a chance when The Rock agreed to star opposite Vin Diesel for Fast Five.

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