Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Dumbest Customers I Helped In 14 Hours - Part Two

As I stated before, in just 14 hours of work, I ran into enough morons to make a three part series of the dumbest people I ran into during my time of employment.  Today's dumbass may be the most hilariously stupid of them all, but since he's rather harmless, he doesn't earn the right to close out the series.  I'm not sure whether I should classify this man as pathetic, a douchebag, or a pathetic douchebag.  I'm leaning towards number three, but I'll need to break it down further to be sure.

So this fella, probably in his mid-late 50s comes into the store looking for protein.  This could have been a normal transaction where I showed him protein, waxed poetically about their benefits, and sent him on his way with a tub of it.  Instead, it turned into so much more.

So we start talking about what he does for working out.  I had a job for three days, and I already hated this part of it.  Everyone wants to brag, because everyone thinks they work harder in the gym than anybody in human history.  So this guy gets going about how he works out for two hours, six times a week.  If you work out for 12 hours every week, you should be in unbelievable shape.  This guy was in average, not even good, shape for a male in his 50s.  That should have been a sign that maybe he doesn't know how to work out properly, but it wasn't.

He proceeded to tell me about how his lifting is super tough, but it doesn't compare to doing the spin class that he does.  He then talked about how spin class is the toughest workout in the world, and completely unsolicited, told me that running is nothing compared to a spin class.  I love running, me and running have been through a lot together, so I wanted to go on a diatribe about the virtues of running, but I decided to nod politely instead.  I kind of wish I would have, because then I wouldn't have had to take part in the following exchange:

Douchebag:  You know what I look for when I go into a spin class?
Me (pausing, hoping he isn't going to tell me, but know that it's coming either way):  What's that?
Douchebag:  A nice juicy ass in front of me.
Me (disgusted and disappointed that I have the ability to read douchebag's mind):  Uh, that's great man.

But originally this douchebag came in for protein, so let's get back to that.  He came in, because he had had some chocolate caramel protein and he thought that was pretty good.  I showed him that, and he asked what other flavors we had, so I got around to showing him the many flavors that whey protein comes in.  

He then said, "I get tired of the same protein flavor."  This comment should not lead to what it led to, but I should have known to never underestimate the stupidty of people.  Below is some of what he told me and my thoughts on each comment.

"I like to lick chocolate flavored body paint off my girlfriend."
God damnit, what did you see in my behavior that made you think I wanted to hear about this?  You're disgusting, and I bet your girlfriend is a real heifer. 

"Yeah, I'm getting tired of the chocolate flavor.  Plus, the shit's expensive and they only give you a small container of it."
I really don't care.  And if your girlfriend is real, I'm sorry that she's too obese for a small container to cover all of her fat rolls.

"My girlfriend is in her twenties."
A.  No, she's not.  B.  You're so lazy in your storytelling that you can't even give her an exact age.  That'd be like me bragging that I have a girlfriend, and she has multiple boobs.  I won't give you an exact number, but trust me bro, it's more than one.

 Eventually this guy left the store, obviously without buying a damn thing.  He left the store, confident in how cool he must have seemed.  Unfortunately, his poorly made up lies don't just highlight the magnitude of his stupidity; they let the world know he is a pathetic douchebag.

-Joe

P.S.  So funny fact about the guy that won the Royal Rumble on Sunday.  He used to compete in MMA.  I got to give it to him, the dude's got balls, because not only did he fight Cro Cop at the peak of his powers, he did it with a mask on.

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