Thursday, February 17, 2011

Let's Face It, Jersey Shore Sucks

I think everyone is in agreeance on this, this season of Jersey Shore sucks.  It has very few redeemable qualities.  I wish it was going to be canceled after this season, but they are moving to Italy, which is going to be just as terrible.  To look at why this show has passed its point of relevance, let's rank the top ten characters from first to worst.

1.  Fake Ronnie - He's great.  We all love Fake Ronnie.  Not only is Fake Ronnie always down for a good time, he let a lady enter him in the only way that is acceptable.

2.  Pauly D - Really, it's tough to have any complaints with Pauly D.  He's just a fun-loving guy who everybody likes.  Hell, his stalker even forgave him.

3.  The Situation - The biggest issue I have with Mike is that there hasn't been enough of him.  He has become very aware of his public persona so he's hanging back so he doesn't ruin future opportunities in the real world.  The guy is banking $5 million a year, it's tough to hold this against him.

4.  Snooki - Snooki got amazingly drunk during the day and got arrested.  When she recovered, she swore off drinking, during the daytime.  Although my love of tailgating prohibits me from giving up day drinking, I'm still proud that she didn't make the ridiculous claim that she was done drinking.  She's a guidette; she keeps it real.

5.  Ronnie - Ronnie has been worthless this entire season, that is, up until the last episode.  His freak out of breaking Sammi's shit and throwing it all outside was great television.  As Ronnie has said before, keeping it real is what he's all about.

6.  J-Woww - J-Woww plays the straight-broad for Snooki.  She had an emotional breakdown when she found out her ex-boyfriend took her hard drive.  Um, I'll admit I'd be bummed if someone stole my hard drive, but it probably wouldn't cause an emotional breakdown.

7.  Roger - It's tough to put him any higher when all he says is "Dur" with occasional chuckles, but he managed to get a lot more screen time than I would have expected, so good for him.

8.  Sammi - She was the reason Ronnie was worthless, but luckily she redeemed herself by leaving the show.  Thanks Sammi.

9.  Vinny - A lot of people like Vinny; I am not one of them.  Vinny has confused fame with game.  He does not get women because of game, he gets them because he is famous, yet he has no idea, and thinks he's a ladies man.  This really grates on me.  Everything Vinny does is him trying to be cool, but he isn't, and he never will be, so I would prefer to never see him on the show.

10.  Deena - Ah, Deena.  Deena is the worst.  Some would argue that she has brought so much to the show, and she's such an upgrade from Angelina.  Both of these claims are wrong.  She hasn't brought jackshit to the show, and I'd much rather have Angelina stirring up trouble than Deena trying to make catchphrases stick.  Deena has one goal, and that is to commercialize herself.  She is not a person, she's not even a character, she's a caricature of what she believes a reality person should be.

Most reality stars are trying to commercialize themselves, but they at least play the game that this is really how they would act and react in these situations.  Deena is completely pre-planned.  She's not even giving us the illusion that she is showing who she actually is as a person. To illustrate my point, I present to you three things that were completely pre-planned phrases that she was hoping to cash in on.

A.  You saw my nahnah - She said this after "accidentally" showing The Situation her vagina.  I still don’t understand her excuse.  She couldn’t tell that she took her underwear off.  I am extremely aware of anything that touches my genitals, and when nothing is touching it, I take note of that too.  Did she shoot Novocain into her entire groin area to numb the herpes?  This is the only acceptable explanation.

B.  I'm like a walking holiday - If Deena were a holiday, what holiday would she be?  Does gonorrhea have a holiday?  If so, I'm picking that.

C.  I'm a blast in a glass - I have heard this line approximately 6,327 times this season, and it was never catchy, and certainly never clever.  Like most things she says, it really doesn't make sense.  She's not in a glass, and she doesn't carry fireworks, so neither half of this saying is true for her.  Yet, she wants to market this saying more than any of the others. 

Deena is the worst.  Anyone who supports her sayings deserves to be hit by a train.  And yes, I'll be watching Jersey Shore tonight.


P.S.  Favorite line from that Real World commercial, "She loves that I'm a bad boy, and once she finds out I was in juvy, she's just oging to like me even more."  Wait, what?  If somebody was trying to act hard by saying they were in juvy, I might cry from excessive laughter.  I didn't know a single person who didn't do enough illegal activity to land in juvy, but I also don't know anybody in it, because we weren't stupid enough to get caught.  An adult bragging about being in juvy is equivalent to bragging about getting AIDS.  Yes, you had sex, but you didn't exactly excel in your endeavor.

P.P.S.  Let's end on a happy note, and nothing is happier than Derrick Rose clips.

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