Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Yes, I Realize There Is Weather Outside

Wait!  What?  There's weather outside?  Holy shit!  Thanks for the update.

Searching through my Facebook news feed, it became abundantly clear that people love to talk about the weather.  Does anyone think they're breaking news here?  Because they're not.  If you don't have anything to talk about but the weather, there's really no need to talk.

I understand my Mom telling me about the weather, as she worries about me as if I were still a child.  With where I am professionally, I don't have a strong argument against that. 

But to post this as your status that you feel the world needs to know about, well, I guess I just don't see the point.  Here are the three most common weather related posts I have seen the last couple days:

Status:  Look at all the snow outside.
Ideal Reaction:  Um, okay.  I have seen the snow outside.  Now what? 
Analysis:  This is definitely a status for people who are just desperate to see their voice out in the world.  I wish I had more to add, but it's just kind of sad.

Status:  It's snowing sideways, I can't believe it.
Ideal Reaction:  They're right.  It is snowing sideways.
Analysis:  Really?  You can't believe it's snowing sideways?  Do you know what it takes for it to snow sideways?  Snow and wind.  I have a lot of trouble believing that you find it unfathomable that it could be both snowing and blowing outside.  These people are slightly more exciting than the first group, but it's the difference between watching paint dry and water boil.

Status:  I ain't scurd of the death storm.
Ideal Reaction:  What a badass.
Analysis:  At least this person tried.  But if someone feels the need to tell me they aren't afraid of the weather, I guess my reaction would be, "Um, I never said you were."  I think we're past the point of being afraid of the weather.  With advanced technology, we can keep ourselves entertained for quite a while.  Even if the electricity goes out, most people have laptops that can provide an extra 2-3 hours of entertainment.  They have cell phones so they can call people and tell them how unscared of the weather they are.  And, almost everyone with Facebook is literate, so the worst case scenario would be reading a book.  So, I don't really feel it is necessary to proclaim my non-fear of weather.

So should people completely avoid putting up a status about the weather?  No, because if you can show some creativity with your status, it can work to everyone's benefit.  Here are three simple ideas that it took me about 30 seconds to think up:
Status:  Two feet of snow, looks like I can't let my guy hang low today.
Analysis:  It's a big dick joke, and big dick jokes never go out of style.

The next one is great for anyone with a puppy or baby:
Status:  With all that snow outside, this would be a great day for potty training.  Today's the day my girlfriend finally learns to put the seat down herself.
Analysis:  You see what I did there?  You thought I was talking about the baby/puppy, but in fact, I switched it up and talked about the significant other.  The switcheroo is demeaning to your mate, but hilarious to your friends.  And don't worry ladies, you can use it too, just substitute the seat and say you're helping him work on his aim.

And we'll end it with another timeless status.
Status:  Just pooped in my neighbor's yard, I hope their kids try to make a snowman today.
Analysis:  Because the kids would be playing with your poop, and that shit's funny (get it?).  There is no need to overthink this one, Poop...Is....Funny.

-Joe

P.S.  An excellent article about the man behind the man (And yes, when I refer to the man, I am speaking of Jose Canseco).

P.P.S.  If you feel like being saying, "Wow," a whole lot, watch this highlight video of Jadeveon Clowney, the top high school football recruit in the nation:

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