Wednesday, March 23, 2011

How BYU Students Have Fun, And How They Impress The Ladies

The BYU Honor Code has been a hot topic as of late with Brandon Davies was suspended from the basketball team for the rest of the season for, presumably, sexing his girlfriend.  Personally, I don't give a shit about the debate of whether BYU did the right or wrong thing (I really only care about Soaking when it comes to Mormon culture), because it's a really boring subject.  Davies is cool with it, BYU is cool with it, therefore, I'm could give two shits about it.

But there is something interesting that people have not been giving nearly enough attention.  How do BYU Students have fun?  The normal vices of the everyday world like caffeine, tobacco, alcohol, drugs, and sex with strangers are all banned by the honor code.  So where does that leave us?

Since I remember the good ol' days when the wrath of God helped influence my decisions, and I thought about what I did back then.  Let's just say that if I were at BYU, my dorm room would double as the battle place between GI Joe and Cobra.  Don't be jealous Cougars, but I am the proud owner of GI Joe Headquarters.
No big deal.

But this being their everyday activity would require every single student at BYU to be totally awesome.  Without drugs and alcohol, this seems highly unlikely.  So I decided to do some research, and holy shit, I could have never come up with things this lame.  Seriously, after reading this shit, you'll realize that playing with GI Joe's would have made me The Fonz of BYU.

Before I get into the BYU dating scene, let's take a look at how BYU Students celebrated St. Patrick's Day.  This entire article blew my mind, but I want to point out a few excerpts for those too lazy to read the entire thing.

Ashley Nef, a junior majoring in English, said she likes to celebrate the holiday in the traditional way by wearing and eating lots of green.
Am I the only one who thought the traditional way was getting so drunk, you either start kissing or fighting random people?  I feel like this is the general consensus on traditional St. Patrick's Day celebrations.

“On St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to take my fiancĂ© to the Green Burrito,” said Mikeal Godfrey, a sophomore majoring in civil engineering. “Honestly, I hope she forgets that it’s St. Patrick Day so I can pinch her when she forgets to wear green.”
Seriously dude?  You get excited at the thought of pinching your girlfriend?  Come on.  I kind of want to go to Provo and find this guy's fiance.  I will then proceed to give her the speech that Clubber Lang gave Rocky's wife in Rocky III to force Rocky to fight him.

We would then proceed to break the BYU Honor Code in, oh, so many ways.

But as lame as their St. Patrick's Day celebrations were, it doesn't even compare to the shit that I uncovered when looking for BYU-approved date ideas.  I want everyone reading this to imagine the lamest date idea they can.  Now prepare for that idea to be blown away in lameness by these REAL BYU date ideas.  The source that I used can be found here.  I had to limit this to five, because otherwise, I may have blown my brains out.

5.  Play with kids' toys (great when it's cold outside)
God damnit BYU.  I made that GI Joe Headquarters remark as a joke, and here you go, and take the idea seriously.  Seriously, you're going to bust out your X-Men so they can take on her Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in a fight for supremacy.  This didn't impress girls in third grade (trust me, I tried), how do you think it's going to work with college chicks? 

4.  Hike out into the middle of the woods with some blankets and a laptop. Watch a scary movie (hopefully one involving a forest like The Village or something). Make sure you tell her the plans or she may try to mace your face or something.
Something tells me that him talking about getting maced is hindsight and not foresight.  Other advice that he failed to mention.

A.  Make sure the female is your girlfriend.
B.  Use duct tape, not electrical tape to secure her hands and feet.
C.  A stronger dose of chloroform will make sure to silence her screams to ensure she doesn't ruin the movie.

Overall, this may be the best BYU-friendly date idea of them all.

3.  Finger painting! Get butcher paper (a big roll of paper) & fingerpaint and then go anywhere outside.
BYU Students are clearly just living out the dream of Peter Pan.  They refuse to grow up.  I'm not positive, but the more I think about it, the more I believe that this man is a BYU student.
 Come on BYU Students, you're not even trying.  Finger painting?  Really?  If I had just seen playing with kids toys, I may have thought you were playing a funny joke on the world, but this confirms that this is seriously how you have fun.  There must be an incredibly high number of post-graduate BYU students becoming horribly alcoholics.  Anything to drink away the memories from college.  I'm depressed reading these ideas; I can't imagine living them.

2.  Go to the most amazing swingset in the world! There's a park in Pleasant Grove (around 1500 North on 100 E [100 E is also called Canyon Drive]) that has a gigantic and awesome playground. And an awesome swingset (there's a map at the front of the playground - look for the "Sympathy Swings"). This is one of my favorite dates.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this swingset is boring for children.  Not Mormon children, but children with imaginations and who like boobs.  And let me remind everyone that this is not just to waste time when you are bored out of your mind from a lack of alcohol and drugs, this is used for a DATE.  This is a go-to move when a guy wants to impress the ladies.

1.  Get some sand from the store [or from the volleyball pit at The Riviera, you can take it back when you're done!], get it damp, and make miniature sand castles using kitchen tools
You know what is the worst part of going to the beach?  Getting sand all over everything when you get back to your house.  In this BYU student's mind, he is skipping the fun part to just get to the worst possible part of going to the beach by bringing sand into his house.  He's not only bringing it in his house, but he is also getting it all over the utensils that he uses to consume meals.  Sand will always find its way into the worst possible places (How do you think the term "sand in the vagina" got started?), so he is going to have a whole drawer full of utensils covered in sand.  This idea must have barely beaten out, "Shave each other's genitals, using only a rusty gardening shears." 

Most people seem to think Honor Code is pretty harsh to students.  After reading these date ideas, it's clear that the Honor Code was actually implemented when they realized none of their students had the social skills to get laid.  The honor code is used as an excuse to hide their lameness.  I used to think Soaking was weird.  After seeing this, I realize that it is the most badass thing a BYU student could ever hope to achieve.

-Joe

P.S.  Anytime I talk about Mormons, I feel it would be a disservice to my readers to not bring up the most offensive cartoon ever made, aka the Mormon belief system.

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