Tuesday, April 5, 2011

5 More Awful BYU Date Ideas

When I wrote my piece on BYU Students last week, I thought that I had uncovered the lamest date ideas out there.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.  Oh, so very wrong.  I happened to uncover even lamer date ideas, and instead of filling this intro with fluff, let's get into these sure-fire ways to get a girl to never speak to you again (and possibly get your ass kicked).

5.  Listen (Thanks, Ryan)
Not only is this the lamest idea possible, but he needed help to think of it.  In the words of Andrew Dice Clay (not sure if he actually said this, but it sounds like something he would say), "If I wanted to listen to a woman talk, I'd take my balls out of her mouth, OH!" But seriously, this isn't a date idea unless your ideal date consists of a whole lot of awkward silences.

4.  Go to a laundromat and put toys in the dryer, start it up. Then go to a corner and film people's reactions when they hear the clanging of the objects in the dryer. 
Really?  Seriously?  This is their idea of a good time?  And filming it so they can enjoy the hilarity later is beyond my comprehension.  Now I would assume you find a lot of people who try to read a book while waiting for their laundry to get done.  What the BYUers do is try to be as loud and annoying as possible for their own amusement, hence ruining a chance for someone to enjoy a good book.  BYU Students are kind of assholes.  And unless they are amused by people trying to ignore really loud noises, it's probably not going to be that great of a film.

3.  Covering the dashboard of your car with Post-It notes. Going to the car wash and opening the windows during the blow-drying stage.
God this is douchey.  I mean, this is painfully douchey.  But not only is it douchey, it sends the woman a bad message.  This is something that takes a ton of preparation, but the payoff is only a minute of fun.  Most women will assume that this will foreshadow your love-making.  They'll realize that this is a guy who can light candles and lay down the rose petals, but when it comes down to fulfilling a woman's sexual needs, she better be quick to get off, because he'll probably be done before she has time to yawn out of boredom. 

2.  Walking around with different colored Post-It notes and seeing how many people you can stick them to without them noticing.
If there's one thing I've learned from looking into the Mormon dating scene, it's that Mormons LOVE Post-it notes. Before when I thought about Post-it notes, I came up with exactly zero fun date ideas.  Mormons also come up with zero fun date ideas, but as we have learned, dating in the Mormon culture has nothing to do with fun.  This is not only an awful date idea, it's a great way to get your ass kicked.  What kind of douchebag would you have to be to not only try this, but to do it to impress a lady friend?  If I am ever on a jury for a murder where the defense was that he had no choice but to kill him after he put a post-it note on his back, I promise you that the murderer will walk free.  And I'll probably high-five him when the verdict is announced.
1.  Give each other facials.
Holy shit, that's actually an awesome idea Mormons.  I don't know how that is not against the honor code, but I say keep it quiet and go with it.  My personal favorite is to go first, and then complete the S in The D.E.N.N.I.S. System, but to each their own.  Wait...what?  They mean the other type of facial?  American Jesus damnit, that's lamer than the Post-it ideas.

Many people who watched Jimmer Fredette thought that these Mormons seemed like pretty cool people.  But this is indisputable proof that they are, in fact, very lame. So with BYU students having these harsh guidelines, what should they do to ensure a great date?  Just remember this rhyme:
When you see a girl, and you want to poke it; get some privacy, it's time to soak it.


P.S. Although this has nothing to do with Mormons, this is an awesome website that is long overdue: What the F*** is Michael Jordan Wearing?


  1. These are great date ideas! Dates don't have to be always dinner outs but must be fun as well. Great post you got here. Thanks for the information that you've shared with your readers. :)

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  2. Thanks for the awesome dating tips! YAY!

  3. Ladies, please don't stick post-it notes on me.