Monday, May 16, 2011

Disel and Seagal Are Crazy...Crazy Awesome

Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel are awesome. This statement should receive no arguments, but there are morons out there that may disagree. People may bring up the fact that Steven Seagal is fat and barely coherent, my response to that is, "And your point is?" That's part of why he is so awesome.

Others are dumb enough to think that Vin Diesel is NOT awesome. These people are also god damned morons. They will be quick to send me a video to help them prove that Vin Diesel is not awesome. They'll ask me if I've seen this:

Not only have I seen it, I watch it every morning while I eat my Crispy Rice (bloggers can't afford the name brand cereals). I use it as inspiration, because it reminds me that people can change. Just like Hulk Hogan switched to Hollywood Hogan and then back to Hulk Hogan again. And even I, the badass of all badassery was once a stupid baby. Yes, babies are worthless, so I ended my time as a baby as soon as I possibly could to become the genetic marvel that you see today. Diesel went from shitty breakdancer to action star extraordinaire.

Now Vin Diesel is in his own world, and the thoughts that come from his brain and exit his mouth are astonishingly awesome. He is challenging Steven Seagal for the person with the loosest grip on reality. Let's look at these two:

This interview is so awesome, because it makes me nod my head in enjoyment. If you haven't seen Fast Five yet, shame on you. Also, as anybody who has seen it can attest, be prepared to buy new underwear after you see it. Don't worry, you won't shit your pants with excitement (well, you might), but you will need at least one size larger in underwear, because your balls will expand so much. I also love Diesel's choice of words, like when he is comparing it to a classic western, as he states, "Without horses, but a whole lot of horsepower."

The line that really stands out above all others is when he describes him and The Rock going toe-to-toe in the movie. Diesel states, "That's fun for cinema."

Yes, it is Diesel. Yes, it is. Now onto Seagal to see if he can compete with this crazy awesome interview.

Seagal is off his goddamn rocker. I really don't need to add much to Seagal's interview as his statements really speak for themselves. The question is, which is more insane?
1. Steven Seagal claims that he has been the key to two UFC Knockouts.
2. He calls his wife, "Mom."
I'm torn. He's clearly in another world. That world? Planet Awesome.

As undeniably crazy as Seagal is, Vin Diesel would not be denied the craziest in all the land. He brought it to a whole nother level when speaking with the LA Times:

I wouldn’t be surprised if there is some Oscar talk around this. I don’t know, maybe I’m just biting off what some guy from Channel 7 thought,” he said with a chuckle. “But sooner or later, people are gonna say, ‘Wait a minute, just because they are for the working class doesn’t mean they’re not great.'"

Yes, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES! I am tired of bullshit artsy films getting all the love from the Academy. It is time for the world to recognize how awesome great action movies are. I will have a tear in my eye as Fast Five wins Best Picture. It will be one of both joy and sadness. Obviously, I will be overjoyed that a great film is getting recognized, but sad that Under Siege will never get its due.

-Joe

P.S. Enjoy this homoerotic wrestling GIF:

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