Tuesday, May 3, 2011

How Do You Know If A Lady Is Interested?

For many guys, picking up on signs that a lady is interested in fornicating with them is extremely difficult. I never thought I had this problem, but like all things in life, I felt it was good to consult Twitter to see if I was missing out on any golden opportunities. Luckily, this past weekend Twitter came through for me with the tagline of #shewantsthedick. After searching through hundreds of tweets, I found the best ones to help all the guys know when a lady "wants the dick."

Christopher Spivey
if she lets u go up a ladder first. ..shes really just lookin up to see if u packin a minipistol or a ak47
Wait a second, who in the hell climbs ladders for a date? Oh yeah, the Mormons. But just imagine using this as a realistic date option:
Dude: Hey baby, I think we should climb that ladder.
Girl: I'm not climbing that ladder.
Dude: Ah, I see. You want me to climb the ladder so you can check out the gun I'm packing.
Girl: You've got a gun? (Sprays Mace)
Dude: AAAAAAH! Damnit God, why have you cursed me with this mini-pistol?

But this is why I go on Twitter, because now I know that anytime a girl wants me to climb a ladder first, she is TOTALLY checking out my package.

King LC ❤
When you're a author and a woman says "I love your writing" that really means
With my illustrious writing displayed on this blog, many ladies are impressed with my writing, so this one happens all the time for me (For those of you who are pointing out that I'm a blogger, not an author, all I have to say to that is, "Don't be a dick, you asshole."). As I constantly demean women with my writing, it's hard for them to not immediately fall in love with me.

Juicy Red
Im goin back sleep
Honestly, there's nothing interesting about this comment, but if you check out the direct link to the tweet, you will know why I put it up here. I would say that it's not safe for work, but honestly, it's not safe for Earth. I'm glad that someone named BoobiesGalore is so proud of her weapons of mass destruction, but also a little jealous that she took my first choice for a Twitter name.

Tha Brittany Show
if she always has meat on her pizza
Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I have been missing out on some pretty big signs that ladies wanted to fornicate with me. If chicks aren't eating veggie pizza, they must be hornier than shit. That is the ONLY explanation for women wanting meat on their pizza. Book stores and coffee places have become prime meeting places for ladies, but I'm just going to wait outside of Domino's waiting for horny chicks who have the audacity to order a pepperoni pizza. Also, I'm pretty sure if a girl orders a Meat Lover's pizza, she's giving you the green light for a threesome.

Kevin Covert
If she seems easy then my nigga.....
Kevin Covert
If she plays hard to get then my nigga...
There is so much I like about these tweets. First off, his name is Real Kevin Covert, so that helped, because there are a ton of fake Kevin Covert accounts out there. Next off is that Kevin is a white guy who ends every one of his tweets with "my nigga." There is a good chance that he must wear a special device so he doesn't drown on his own drool while trying to talk to people. So he decided to show his intelligence by unleashing these tweets back to back, and there really isn't a better way to let girls know that you are a potential rapist than tweeting out this. If she seems easy, he's going to get after it, and if they play hard to get, he's going to get after it still. Either way, she wants the dick. I'm really glad I'm a dude, because if I was a girl, I'd be terrified of all the guys who appear to be rapists on Twitter. But if a girl says she's scared of rapists, you guessed it, #shewantsthedick.

-Joe

P.S. If you only see one comedy this year, make sure it is Fast Five. It is by far the best movie of the franchise. I was nearly in tears within the first minute of the movie. It's a movie that gets most of its great moments through visuals, but there was some memorable dialogue as well. My favorite exchange involved The Rock and one of his subordinates.

Subordinate: I've got good news and bad news.
The Rock: You know I like my dessert first.
Subordinate: Blah, blah, blah, goes through the good news.
The Rock: Now give me the damn veggies.

I am not paying attention to any conversation that I have over the next few days until somebody tells me they have good news and bad news. I can't wait to enjoy my dessert, while knowing there are veggies up ahead.

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