Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My New Jose Canseco: The Ultimate Warrior

I would like to start off this post by saying that I am not ending my interest in the trials and tribulations of Jose Canseco. This is not meant to be a sad occasion, but an occasion to rejoice. Jose has a job, where he makes seasonal money. It reminds me of my time working at a water park where I scammed people for tips and would go Euro-style tanning while on the clock. This is good news for Jose.

But good news is boring, so I need something, or more appropriately, someone to replace him for the entertainment of my readers. Due to my curious nature, and with the help of Google, I have found our ultimate replacement.

The Ultimate Warrior is so awesome that nightmares are the best part of his day. But surprisingly, I'm not all that interested in the face-painted, steroid-riddled, screaming, snarling, Ultimate Warrior. I'm far more interested in the person behind the face paint, and that is why we will be uncovering the legend that is known to his friends as Jim, James Warrior (he legally changed his last name; I may do the same).

Unfortunately, unlike Jose Canseco, Jim does not take advantage of Twitter to tweet out his stream-of-conscious thoughts to the world. Luckily, Mr. Warrior posts his thoughts the same way that your faithful writer does, as The Ultimate Warrior writes a blog of his own.

But despite their obvious differences, these two also have a ton in common:
1. Professional Athletes who were recognized as the best in their profession.
2. Admitted steroid users.
3. They both stand for the truth.
4. Both are writers as Jose has written two books, and Warrior is working on one currently.
5. An unapologetic arrogance that makes them disliked by the majority of people.

What the Ultimate Warrior may lack in relevance, he more than makes up for in art. Yes, art. Jim Warrior creates inspirational paintings to help people reach their full potential. His artwork can best be described as imagining you have jumped inside of his brain and you are privy to witness all of his thoughts. He has amazingly put his thoughts on the canvas to provide some of the most inspirational artwork of the 21st century. Here is just one piece from his amazing collection:
What is the message of this piece? Impossible to tell. Yes, I realize that the words "Always Believe" appear in this piece approximately 150 times, but you'd need an art expert of the highest caliber to decipher what this piece truly means.

Even if art isn't your thing, Mr. Warrior provides unbelievably offensive comments every now and then to pop up in the news. Here's highlights of a speech he gave at the University of Connecticut.

If you don't have time to watch it, let me just point out the most talked about quote that he had. When talking about homosexuals, he stated, "Queering doesn't make the world work."

Is that not offensive enough for you? Well, maybe Warrior's comments on Heath Ledger are more your cup of tea. Here is just part of the genius of the Warrior:

By today's standard, though, I do have to agree that he was a great father. Perhaps even greater then the father of the year, Hulk Hogan. After all, Leather Hedger did what it took to kill himself. His kid is without a father, yes, but the negative influence is now removed and his own child has the chance for a full recovery.

That's right; he called Hulk Hogan a bad father. Not cool, Jim. Oh yeah, and he said that Ledger did the right thing by killing himself, because his children should not be influenced by someone who played a gay guy in a movie. But calling Hulk a bad dad; that's definitely crossing a line.

But those things are well in the past. The Warrior is still producing great content, but he's doing it under the radar, and I want to help expose his thoughts to the world. I don't know exactly what I'm going to write about. All I know is that Jim Warrior's life must be examined, and I am just the man to do it.

-Joe

P.S. Are you tired of videos of the Taj Gibson dunk? Well, I'm not, so here it is with a long focus on the reaction of Derrick Rose and Carlos Boozer.

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