Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Ultimate Warrior Is the Definition Of Awesome

The Ultimate Warrior is awesome. He's so awesome that I am starting to become overwhelmed with the awesomeness of everything that he does. I am sure many people have jumped into something and then realized that they were in way over their head. That is how I feel about diving into the life of the Ultimate Warrior. The more I uncover, the more I realize that this is not a goldmine of crazy, these are the blood diamonds of crazy. Anytime I think about running and hiding, he provides something so inspirational that I want to go out and fight bums for liquor.

Before I go into the latest diamond that he dropped on the world, I'd like to go over some Warrior vocabulary so it makes it easier to follow along in the future.

Warrior's Machete - This is the name of Ultimate Warrior's blog. Warrior is quite clever. His blog is named this way since the pen is mightier than the sword. What is mightier than a normal sword? A machete. At least, that is what I would like to believe is the reasoning. He actually has a page titled, "Why my blog is titled 'Warrior's Machete'". It's actually pretty close to my made-up reason, but not quite as awesome. Either way, I really wish I would have called this blog Uncensored Machete.

Weapons of Warrior Wisdom - Artwork. How does this make sense? It doesn't, but it's awesome, so I'm not complaining.

Brush One - An art piece that is a portrait of the Warrior. I'm pretty sure he did the art work, but not positive. There's no description of what it means or anything about artistic integrity, but he does describe the piece with this sentence, "It’s an awesome piece, I will tell you that."
Well, thanks for letting me know that it's awesome. Otherwise, I could have looked like a real dumbass.

Your Founding Father of Life Intensity - This is how Warrior ends most of his posts. When we talk about the Founding Fathers, we are often referring to the men, and I'd like to emphasize MEN, who helped create the USA by beating the shit out of England. By this measure, Warrior has somehow been the first to establish Life Intensity. Does this make any sense? Of course not. Is it awesome? You bet your ass it is.

But the reason that this blog needed to be posted today is the video that the Warrior put on his website as well as YouTube this weekend.
For just a two minute video, he manages to pack a ton of awesome information in it. Let's hit on two quick points, and then get into the big point that the video is trying to make.

1. "What I enjoy doing best, kicking my own ass in the gym." Me and Warrior are totally kindred spirits. If me and Warrior worked out together, I guarantee one of us shits our pants.

2. CBS really dropped the ball by having Ashton Kutcher replace Charlie Sheen instead of hiring The Ultimate Warrior to do it. Warrior says crazy shit, but it's crazy awesome. "I found it (the bullet) buried, real deep, inside that huge piece of real estate I still own inside your psyche." Anytime I am competing, I am totally going to tell people that I still own a huge piece of real estate inside their psyche.

3. But then we get to the main point. He talks about a bullet that could kill Hulkamania. When I first watched this, I was 100% convinced that during the days of the Mega Maniacs, these two got drunk one night, and Hulk Hogan shot and killed somebody. Warrior, 20 years later, decided to go back to the scene of the crime, and dug up the bullet so justice could finally be served for this murder.

As awesome as that story is, it's unfortunately not the case. Hulk Hogan referred to a hypothetical bullet that people have tried to use to kill Hulkamania (I recommend watching the entire 52 minute interview, don't worry, work can wait), but all have been unsuccessful, because you simply can't stop the power of Hulkamania. But apparently, the Warrior is brave enough and wise enough to put a bullet through Hulkamania.

What could this bullet be? Apparently this week we're all going to find out. I could definitely see those two burying a dead body and Warrior bringing it back to life, but I could also see Warrior calling Hulk Hogan gay and expecting Hulkamania to disappear. Warrior ends the video with these prophetic words:

Karma's coming to collect, Terry. Karma's coming to collect...big time.

Thank you Ultimate Warrior, for being so incredibly awesome.

-Joe

P.S. I went for a 5-mile Memorial Day run and obviously had my shirt popped off. I happen to cross paths with an attractive young minx that was on her bicycle. She looked me up and down and smiled my way. The cynics out there might say that she was laughing, because I was running through a mud pit, and my lower legs were so caked in mud that it looked like I was hiding from The Predator. Others might say that she was just enjoying the view. I'm definitely going with the latter.

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