Sunday, June 26, 2011

Let's Talk About Dolphin Sex

Let's talk about sex. But not that boring guy-girl, guy-guy, girl-girl everyday boring sex. I want to talk about hot sex. Sex so hot that it could literally kill a person. Yes, today, I would like to talk to you about Dolphin Sex.

That's right, due to my policy of letting each Facebook fan pick a topic for a post, today will be about dolphin/human intercourse, thanks to Dave's suggestion.

To find out about Dolphin Sex, obviously my first stop was DolphinSex.com. Unfortunately, that site has been shut down. So I went to the next logical spot, BeastForum.com. It's a phenomenal website that will help you answer any of those tough beastiality questions that you're afraid to talk to your parents about. I scanned through topics, and found a post about dolphin sex. Needless to say, I was extremely pleased to see it was from user Beavis69, as he can always be counted on to bring the hard-hitting facts without the BS that you'll receive from some of the less esteemed users.

Before I get into things, I'd just like to say that I am 99% sure that having any sort of sex with dolphins is illegal in America, so do not go to SeaWorld with your wad of hundreds and your magnum condoms, because you will not be doing any plowing. In fact, there's a good chance you'll get plowed because your ass will be heading to the clink.

Part One - Dolphin Vaginas
First off, we'll address the fellas that have grown tired of good ol' fashioned human vagina. The simplest way to put this is that if a human female had a dolphin vagina, she would be the most popular woman in the world. Dolphins live under water. I do not have a vagina, but I am assuming that getting saltwater up in there is probably not a pleasant experience. To avoid this, a dolphin female has several lips on the inside to help keep the saltwater out. When dolphins have sex, these lips pull the penis in to give her a better chance of being impregnated, and for the penis, it will feel like the vagina is sucking your penis in. So it's basically like getting a blowjob from a vagina, and the best part is that there's no teeth involved.

Still, you're banging a dolphin, so don't do it.

Part Two - Dolphin Anus
Many of you, some of you, a few of you, one of you is probably thinking, "Hey, this dolphin vagina sounds great, but what if she's being all prude and says she doesn't want to get impregnated by a human." Ignoring the fact that you both can't get a dolphin pregnant, nor can you understand the squeaks of a dolphin, I would like to help you with your predicament. Are you thinking about sticking your number one guy in her number two hole? Not happening brah. A dolphin anus is not big enough for pleasure as even a finger would cause the dolphin great pain. Also, dolphins shit everywhere so watch out for that.

Seriously, stay away from dolphin anus.

Part Three - Fellating Dolphins
And finally, a fact for the ladies out there that think dolphins are, oh, so sexy. Do not fellate a dolphin. I repeat, do NOT fellate a dolphin.

The first reason is that, even though Beavis69 disagrees, it has been reported by reliable sources (The Internet, which NEVER lies) that the force behind a dolphin's ejaculation is enough to snap a person's neck. It might be a fact, it might be a myth, either way, I don't think it's worth it to try to find out.

The second reason is that you may never make it to the ejaculation, because the force behind a dolphin's thrust is most certainly enough to break your neck. My favorite quote from Beavis69's post is this, "ORAL SEX SHOULD NOT BE ATTEMPTED ON WILD DOLPHINS!" He's totally fine with the other stuff that I have mentioned in this post (and a lot of other disturbing stuff that I did not want to get into), but fellating a wild dolphin is one thing he will not stand for.

I don't know why anybody would want to, but don't go around blowing dolphins.

Let me wrap up this post by saying that although some of the information in this post may intrigue you, do not have any sexual relations with a dolphin. I repeat, do NOT have ANY sexual relations with a dolphin...even if it's super sexy, like this dolphin.
-Joe

P.S. There are very few things that make me sick to my stomach, but this post was definitely one of them. I have no idea if Beavis69 is correct, and I have even less of an idea of how he found out this information if he is correct.

11 comments:

  1. That thing about the velocity of ejaculate and worrying about it destroying anus/throat: wouldn't most people just start off with a hand-job and then measure the velocity by how much pressure goes against their palms by cupping it over the tip when it goes off?

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  2. Some person-dolphin relations, much like many person-person relations do not have the patience to take it step by step and skip right to oral/anal/vaginal sex. That is why patience is a virtue.

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