Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Someone Tried to Trick Me Into Prostitution

It was really only a matter of time. I'm a smart, great-looking guy, with a mildly offensive personality. Chicks want to do me. That is why it is no surprise that I have been solicited to begin a career in prostitution. I recently received the following message via private message on Facebook:

Hey, man! I need your help if you're willing. Since we just ran into each other last week, I thought I'd ask. A friend of mine is completing his PhD in Psychology and has asked me to recruit some guys to be "guinea pigs" for his dissertation. If you'll help, it would be whenever you and I can work out our schedules (evenings and weekends are best for me) since I'm doing the work and sending him the results. It is a mental, emotional and physical profile that is reported to him without your name or any identifier and then gets dumped into a database to form an average answer. The mental questions are brainbuster questions--nothing real difficult. The emotional part I would describe a situation, you tell me how it would make you feel and what would you do. the physical is situps, pushups, bending, stretching... If you help more than once, he even pays a little cash. Please let me know if you're interested or not. Thanks.

Now most people would look at this message and assume it was nothing more than a simple Psychology experiment. Since I am far wiser than the normal person, I instantly realized that this was an introduction into the world of prostitution. I'll break this down, piece by piece, so everyone is able to follow along.

Hey, man! I need your help if you're willing. Since we just ran into each other last week, I thought I'd ask. A friend of mine is completing his PhD in Psychology and has asked me to recruit some guys to be "guinea pigs" for his dissertation.

An experiment where he's looking for guys to be his "guinea pigs"? It was at this point that my senses became heightened, because I have seen the documentary Taken, and realize that sexy people are often kidnapped and sold as sex slaves. Trust me, it's not all caviar and champagne when you're as good looking as me; there are negatives.

If you'll help, it would be whenever you and I can work out our schedules (evenings and weekends are best for me) since I'm doing the work and sending him the results. It is a mental, emotional and physical profile that is reported to him without your name or any identifier and then gets dumped into a database to form an average answer.

I hope everyone realizes the giant red flag in this one. Weekends and evenings? Most psychology experiments I am familiar with happen during normal business hours, but this one is best done on weekends and evenings. Because that's when their clients want their fresh meat, more importantly, that's when their clients want MY fresh meat.

On top of that, they plan on stripping me of my name and identification so I am just another hot stud with a body that won't quit. They're trying to take Hott Joe and turn him into Hot Joe. Not happening.

The mental questions are brainbuster questions--nothing real difficult. The emotional part I would describe a situation, you tell me how it would make you feel and what would you do. the physical is situps, pushups, bending, stretching...
Although I have not gone through the process, I am pretty sure I know what the test will be.

A brainbuster question will probably go something like this: If you charge $50 for a woman to fellate you, and $100 to have sexual intercourse with her, how much would you make if you had sex with three women and got fellated by six? (Answer: $600, plus tip)

Emotional questions would be: 1. How would you feel if you were getting paid to have sex with a beautiful woman? 2. How would you feel if you were blindfolded and thought you were being paid to have sex with a beautiful woman, only the blindfold slipped off and you realized you were having sex with a senior citizen? 3. And finally, how would you feel if that senior citizen put a finger in your butt? (Answers: 1. Normal. 2. Not totally shocked. 3. Disgusted, my number two is an exit only.)

The physical tests are pretty self-explanatory; they just want to make sure my body won't quit (It won't). But just in case any ladies were wondering how I would test out on situps, pushups, bending, and stretching, my results would be: Infinity, Infinity, Wow, and Amazing.

If you help more than once, he even pays a little cash. Please let me know if you're interested or not. Thanks.

This really just hammers the point home that this is no psychology experiment. This is strictly to get my body (and my bird) into prostitution. I can't say I blame them, and I know that this will not be the last time that some big dreaming entrepreneur tries to get me in the seedy underworld of prostitution. Being great at everything isn't easy, but somebody's got to do it.

-Joe

P.S. I know that this is most likely a solicitation into gay prostitution, but I don't want to go down that path, so let me live in my happy world where they simply wanted to sell me to some rich, old lady who wanted a hot stud for her sexual exploration.

P.P.S. I give a variation of this speech every time I take my clothes off:

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